This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.
'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager.
'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
'Where's that b*stard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
whispers in his ear,
'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'
'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!
Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
You may have seen this before. This was an actual phonecall from a guest to room service. It takes place at some hotel in Austria (I think...)! It's so funny! And without farther ado. I give you.... Tenjuberrymud!
Tenjuberrymud
Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service."
RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig we
bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.
Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.*
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
'No gym to work out at?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes! We could have been here ten years ago!'
MT-09 Tracer for those who no longer can handle a BIG boy Fazer
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???".
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
[color=rgb(40, 40, 40)]A man and his wife are lying in bed when there,s a loud knock on the door,the man opens his bedroom window and shouts "what the hell do you want at this time of the night its 3 o,clock in the morning" a voice calls back "could you give me a push please"? the man shouts back down"NO,I F##KING CANT,NOW P#SS OFF AND LET US SLEEP" then gets back into bed.[/color]
[color=rgb(40, 40, 40)][/color]
[/color][color=rgb(40, 40, 40)]His wife say to him "that was a bit harsh on him love,you never know when you may need some help off someone yourself.The man thinks on it for a while,and says "yes,your right love i,ll go and sort him out" the man wearily trudges downstairs and opens his front door,he then calls out to the stranger "HELLO, WHERE ABOUT ARE YOU MATE" a voice calls back.........................i,m over here on the swings!!! [/color][color=rgb(40, 40, 40)]
An ageing test pilot for home grown widgets that may fail at anytime.
[color=rgb(40, 40, 40)][/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)]Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,[/color][color=rgb(40, 40, 40)][/size]
[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]Barbara always replied,[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]To this, Barbara replied,[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]But still not a word...[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]I'm impressed!"[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,[/color][color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size]But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!" [/color]
[color=rgb(68, 68, 68)][/size][/color]
An ageing test pilot for home grown widgets that may fail at anytime.
