Just a joke

[unfazed]

One from Paul Sample  :lol

[Grahamm]

What has 19 doors which are never open?

Nelson Mandela's Advent Calendar.

[Captain Haddock]

Just seen 300 dyslexic south africans mourning outside the nissan maindealer......

Note to self: read last page of jokes first...... :o

[Gary]

[color=rgb(51, 51, 51)]Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. [/color][color=rgb(51, 51, 51)][/size]"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny


:rollin [/color]

[lew600fazer]

It was Christmas Eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping in a  large Department Store, when the husband disappears. The women calls her  husbands mobile, "where are you?"  He replies, "Darling, do you remember that quaint little jewellery shop  we went into about 5 years ago and you fell in love with that  beautiful  drop diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, but I promised you one day I'd  buy it for you?" Her eyes filled with tears, "yes, I remember" she gulped. "Well, I'm in the Pub next door to that."

[lew600fazer]

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all
around my head, a hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous
Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say, 

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,



"Can I feel your tits, then?”

[slimwilly]

My kids have been taking the piss about my Althzymers..

They won't find it so funny on Christmas morning when they find there's no fucking eggs under the bonfire :lol

[unfazed]

Another one from Paul Sample

[Yammi]

So what if I can't spell armaggedon.

It's not the end of the world. Ö

[Ebme Geek]

What happened to the Irish jelly fish ?

It set !!

  :rolleyes

Go on then,  get worse than that

[lew600fazer]

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[slimwilly]

Michael Barrymore said it's great news that Tom Daley is gay. He said, "It's great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim."

[Gary]

Johnny goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw. Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

Johnny jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"

[Gary]

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

[midden]

Paddy goes to the chemist, reaches in to his pocket and brings out a bottle of Jamesons and a spoon.
He pours some of the contents onto the spoon and asks the chemist to taste it.
The chemist puts it in his mouth, swills it around then swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you says Paddy.
Not at all says the chemist.
That's a relief say's Paddy, the doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar

[midden]

The Police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body. They pulled back the sheet to reveal her face.
"I can't be certain" I told them.
The sheet went back a bit more to show her breasts.
"Sorry, but I'm still not sure"
Then they took the sheet completely off and I had a good look at her body.
"That's definitely not her officer" I said
"Are you sure? replied the officer
"Yep, my wife's not black."

[darrsi]

My wife and her WeightWatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.
It was just like that famous film.

Gone in sixty seconds.

[dcurzon]

Ah doctor, is it bad? Give it to me straight- how long do I have left to live??

'10'

10? 10 what? 10 years, 10 months? 10 weeks??

'9'

[bigbluebear]

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.....you know Harry's going to be in it

Why did the seaman cross the road.......because it was my first wank in 2 months

Why didn't Eva Braun give Hitler a blowjob.....because it always left a Nazi taste in her mouth

You know you're watching too much porn when you go to hospital and expect a blowjob

Three Celtic fans walk into a bar....a priest, a poof and a paedophile.......and that was just the first one

Nintendo have brought out some new games for Scottish children...Wii Shite, Wii bastard and Wii Fucker

[maddog04]

I'll tell you who's a bit of a dark horse













black beauty :'(