Just a joke

[nick crisp]

So I went into my local butchers and I said, I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, no, you're right, the steaks are too high......

Hey, I just got here.....

[DILLIGAFF]

A little old Jewish lady answers her phone one night.........................


Hello?


I bet you're wearing see through black knickers, black silk stockings and a lacy uplift bra.......................






All this you can tell from one Hello??????????

[DryRob]

I had back ache yesterday but it's behind me now

[lew600fazer]

An hour ago my wife says to me I am going to bed for an hour, fancy joining me!!!!
So like a flash we are between the sheets!!!
5 minutes later I am asked what the fuck do you think you are doing!!!
I just do not understand women,  :\ :\ :o :o :'( :'(

[jackojet]

Went doctors other day.
Doc says "do you open your bowels regularly"?
I say "yes 7.30am every morning"
Doc says "that's very good"
I say "it ain't if you don't get up till 10.30am" :eek

Coat gone

[hotmetal]

a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

There's more where that came from:


What do you call a deer with no eyes?






No eye deer.






What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?






Still no eye deer.

[snapper]

with the level of this thread dropping quickly !

what do you call a gorllia with his fingers in his ears ?



wait for it !!!









anything you like he cant hear you !  :rolleyes


come on there must be some worse ones than that ? well maybe ?

[richfzs]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

Still no fucking idea.....

[dazza]

On a recent trip to Ireland I stopped to ask directions
"Excuse me sir, can you tell me the quickest way to the coast ?"
He said thoughtfully in a thick Irish accent "Now let me see, would you be walking or driving ?"
"Driving" I said.
To which he replied  "Yes, that'll be the quickest way"

[bigbluebear]

What do call a bear with no ear






A "b"

[bigbluebear]

I carved out a water melon and put half on my dogs head...........now he's acting all melon collie

[Chris]

what's brown and sticky?
A stick...

What's brown and green and sticky?
A stick with some fungus on it....

How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill.

[dazza]

Man walks into a pet shop and says
"How much are your wasps ?"
"Sorry sir we don't sell wasps"
"Well you've got one in the window"

[bigbluebear]

how do you know your girlfriend's too fat...........when she sits on your face you cant hear the stereo

how do you know your girlfriend's too young..........you have to make aeroplane noises to put your cock in her mouth

[nick crisp]

Well, I took my dog to the vet and said, he's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
So the vet picked him up, looked at his eyes and examined his teeth, then he says, I'm going to have to put him down.
What, I said, because he's cross-eyed?
No, because he's really heavy........

And then I went to the psychiatrist wearing just clingfilm for shorts, and the shrink said
I can see clearly you're nuts......

When I got home, I decided to clear out the attic with my wife's help
Dusty, filthy, cobwebby
But she's really good with the kids

Ha, didn't bring a coat!  :nana

[jackojet]

A mate of mine was a cesarian baby and it's always affected him.
Whenever we are in the car and stop to get out he gets out the sunroof :'( :rollin

[bigbluebear]

what you call a woman who's tampon string breaks........a cotton picker

[bigbluebear]

My ex wife could manipulate her muscles in her fanny so it felt like getting a blow job..........which is why I divorced her when she manipulated her muscles in her mouth she sounded like a cunt

[bigbluebear]

when my mum was in labour my head got stuck in her fanny and I had to be pulled out by the mid wife.......that's how excited I was to see my little brother

[Grahamm]

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?

You can't, it's full of elephants.


How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.


How do you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.


How do you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

Giggling from behind the butter dish.


How do you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

The door won't shut.


How do you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

Their Mini is parked outside!