Bloke with a speech impediment goes to a faith healer,"cathu mak mmi sthpeak propa ?" "go behind the curtain my son and wait" then another chap comes in on crutches "can you make me walk properly,please?"go behind the curtain my son and wait" then the faith healer says "now the man who can't walk properly,cast away your crutches and walk,and the man who can't speak ,speak with eloquence" after a few seconds there's a thump and groaning,"heeth forlan ova"!
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.
A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a very dark alley. He asks "How much for full sex?", "£20" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business. Next minute a copper appears and shines his torch in their faces. "What's going on here then?", he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife", "Sorry sir" apologises the copper, "I didn't know it was your wife".
Paddy shouts "Neither did I until you shone your fuckin torch in her face".
Whizz kid sitting pretty on his two wheeled stallion.
After the driver of a bus commented how ugly he thought her baby was,she went fuming down the bus and on sitting down exclaimed to the bloke next to her "that fucking driver has just really insulted me!" "well,go and give him a piece of your mind!go on,I'll look after your monkey 'till you come back"
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks"Why do you keep beating her?".
Paddy replies "I think it must be my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".
Whizz kid sitting pretty on his two wheeled stallion.
"Is that the Bally-more Echo?" asks Paddy. "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Paddy before slamming the phone down.
Treat everything in life the way a dog would- if you can't eat it or foc it, forget it.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..... I just sit around and listen to the conversations..... I've changed my will three times!'
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
(18-02-19, 12:26 PM)Oldgit link Wrote: Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke
I don't even bother with the BBC shite version anymore. I stick to The Grand Tour. Same old idiotic, mildy racist, sexist and homophobic Clarkson and crew still make for an entertaining hours viewing
A man with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach sunbathing when the two most beautiful women he'd ever seen set out their towels just a few feet away. The women smiled at the man and kept winking at him while oiling each other's bodies. After a while the women approached the man and asked him
'Have you ever seen naked breasts before?'
To which the man shyly shook his head no. The women removed their bikini tops, exposing their stunning bodies to the shocked man. He couldn't believe his luck.
'Have you ever kissed two women?' they asked next.
After a nervous gulp, the man replied, no, he hadn't.
The two women gave the man the longest, most sensual kisses he'd ever experienced in his life. This was the best day he'd ever experienced, it couldn't get much better.
One of the women leaned down and whispered breathily in his ear
couple decide to have a session in the garden after dark,after a bit the bloke says,"I wish I had a torch" "so do I",said his girlfriend "you've been licking that slug for the last ten minutes"
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.
