Just a joke

[slimwilly]

[smg id=1881 type=full align=center caption="t shoirt"]

[unfazed]

One of my favourite Abbot and Costello clips Abbott & Costello Who's On First  :lol

[Grahamm]

ROFL! A classic

[mark]

They say that it does no harm whatsoever to give your wife and kids a little smack if they deserve it.


I'm not sure that Bob Geldof would strictly agree with that!

[stet]

https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg

[Dudeofrude]

https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg

Gotta be an award for reprising the oldest thread ??? haha

[stet]

Did notice that, but this seemed to be the correct thread for jokes.

Just read the whole thing from the start: glad to see that there are not too many restrictions on the content.

[stet]

A De Havilland Otter hits a Canadian mountain. Rex is thrown clear of the wreck in his carry-cot, but his nurse and everyone else, perish. After a while a she-wolf, hearing him crying, drags the cot to her den.

For eight years Rex lives with a pack of timber wolves. He walks on all fours, hunts caribou, eats raw meat, and howls at the moon. But one day a trapper is amazed to discover him caught in a snare. He takes Rex back to civilization, and soon he is reunited with his family in London, England.

Being a bright lad, Rex quickly learns to walk upright and talk. He does so well at school that he attends university where he graduates with a first class honors degree. He then goes to medical college for five years to qualify as a surgeon. He is just about to take up a post at Saint Barts Hospital, London, but, unfortunately, he is run-over while chasing a Ford Mondeo down the Old Kent Road.

[tommyardin]

A Scotsman walks into a dentist practice and enquires about the cost of having a tooth extracted, the dentist replies ‘that will be £210’, the Scotsman sucks in air rapidly and says ‘my my that’s far to much, how much would it cost if a junior dentist were to pull the tooth?’ The dentist replied ‘that would be £160’ the Scotsman said ‘now that’s a lot better but it’s still too much money how about if the apprentice did the work’, the dentist replied that it was not the usual practice for the apprentice to do extractions, but the Scot said oh that’s ok I don’t mind at all, so the dentist agreed and said that the cost would now be £95, Yes that more like it said the Scot, now how much would it be if you were to pull the tooth without any anaesthetic. To this the dentist replied that would be incredibly painful, Auch! Said the Scot ‘the pain is no a worry how much?’ The dentist said the if the apprentice did the extraction with no anaesthetic the cost would be £55-00, that great said the Scotsman can you book the wife in for tomorrow morning.

[tommyardin]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.
While they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker said you can have her body shipped home for £5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it for a minute and said that he wanted her body shipped home to England.
The Undertaker asked why he would do that and spend £5,000 to have her shipped home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only £150.
The man replied ‘About 2,000 years a man died here, and was buried and on the third day rose again from the dead.
I just can not take that chance.

[tommyardin]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the foccing skippin", the Irishman said

[tommyardin]

THE REV HAROLD KNIGHT.
THE RESCUE MISSION,
195, ELLIOT ROAD,
CAMBERWELL GREEN,
CAMBERWELL,
LONDON. W1C.

Dear Sharpie, (Fazersharp)
Perhaps you have heard of me and my nation-wide campaign, in the cause of temperance. Each year for the last fourteen, I have made a tour of Scotland, England and Wales, and have
delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking and drugs.
On these tours I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant,
by the name of Raymond Powell.

Raymond a young man of good family and excellent background, a bit like yourself, but is a pathetic
example of a life ruined by the excessive indulgence in gin, pot and women.

Raymond would appear with me at the lecture and sit on the platform, wheezing
and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating
profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene gestures, while
I would point him out as an example of what drinking etc. can do to a person.

Last summer, unfortunately, Raymond died. A mutual friend has given me your name
and I wonder if you would care to take Raymond's place on my next tour?

Yours in the Faith,

Rev Harold Knight
Rescue Mission

[tommyardin]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,

And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking Out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with Cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,
contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes And lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned.

Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
'I'm very sorry he said, I didn't mean to be unkind by being judgemental.
How long Have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.

I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[tommyardin]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get that trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?"
I lied about my age", Bob replies.
What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was over 90."

[tommyardin]

A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body can increase up 3 or 4 times it's normal size when stimulated?"
There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says, "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will give you the sack!
The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"
One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says, "The part of the body that increases in its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says, "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day when you are a grown up you're going to be very very very disappointed."

[tommyardin]

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

[tommyardin]

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:





> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."

[agricola]

[size=1em]Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting [/size]woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:





> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."

:rollin

[stet]

The Honourable judge sir James Barker opens the crown court hearing by reading out the indictments.

"Henry Adrian Jones, you are charged that on the twenty-sixth of December in the year two-thousand and seventeen you did beat your wife, Heather Anne Jones, to death with seven blows to the head from a ball-pane hammer."

From the public gallery, a short middle-aged Brummie wearing an anorak shouts at the defendant,

"You bastard!"

The judge pauses before proceeding.

"You are further charged that on the same day you did beat your mother-in-law, Barbra Jane Heston to death with the said hammer."

The Brummie again yells out,

"You bastard!"

After glaring at the public gallery the judge continues,

"You are also charged with causing grievous bodily harm in that on the following day you did attack police constable, David George Downs also with the said hammer."

Once more the Brummie yells out,

"You bastard!"

Sir James Barker raps his gravel on the bench and addresses the Brummie.

"I can empathise with your feeling of anger and disgust at these vicious killings and attacks, but I will have no more interruptions to the proceedings. I must caution you that any more outbursts and I will have the usher escort you from the court. Is that understood?"

"I'm sorry, your lordship, but I got so angry about what you have just read out. For fifteen years, I've lived next door to Henry, and every time I've asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[celticbiker]

Went to the new midget restaurant in Cardiff the other day. Took ages to get served, can't be too annoyed though as they were obviously short staffed.