An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
An ageing test pilot for home grown widgets that may fail at anytime.
[font=]Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.[/font][font=]
4) It is inexpensive.[/font]
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
Two crocs living by the Thames
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of
Them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcas
MT-09 Tracer for those who no longer can handle a BIG boy Fazer
[img alt=True width=280 height=306]https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg[/img]
The answer to all problems
(01-12-13, 10:18 AM)unfazed link Wrote: [img width=280 height=306 alt=True]https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg[/img]
The answer to all problems
(01-12-13, 10:48 AM)nick crisp link Wrote: [quote author=unfazed link=topic=9499.msg115493#msg115493 date=1385889491]
[img width=280 height=306 alt=True]https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg[/img]
The answer to all problems
03-12-13, 07:22 AM (This post was last modified: 03-12-13, 07:25 AM by slimwilly.)
[color=rgb(51, 51, 51)]FUCKING arseholes IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas tooooo! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. it's all gone! Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!..............That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates[/color]
An ageing test pilot for home grown widgets that may fail at anytime.
03-12-13, 10:50 AM (This post was last modified: 03-12-13, 10:52 AM by lew600fazer.)
25 one liners from the late great Tommy Cooper.
Whisky 1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three days!
Fortune Teller 2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding? I've still got my gloves on!
Doctor 3• I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this' [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.'
Alarm clock 4• A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.'
Soup 5• I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!'
Doctor (2) 6• My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!
Dreams 7• Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
Driver 8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said, 'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.'
Gambling 9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
Music 10• I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?
Betting 11• You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time
Jester 12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool!
Kangaroo 13• What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs
Marriage 14• My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'.
Advice 15• Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you.
Pork chops 16• I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'
Marriage (2) 17• I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!'
Undertakers 18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down
Doctor (3) 19• I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions.
Sleep 20• I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every morning around 3am.
Put-down 21• There's no end to his talent – and no beginning either.
Ballet 22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in.
Doctor (4) 23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.'
Waiter 24• I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.'
Cannibals 25• Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'
MT-09 Tracer for those who no longer can handle a BIG boy Fazer
The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said,
"Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
...
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone from the oldest man on record.
He was 193, and his name was Miles from Dublin....
2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine today. They are both in hospital - one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tikka....
"I lost my job today" I told my friend. "I was downloading porn on the work computer and caused everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he said.
"They don't f**k about at Air Traffic Control" I replied.
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