Just a joke

[erix2]

A British man has been thrown out of Pakistan for testing positive for 4 banned substances.....
Toothpaste, Deodorant, Soap and Shampoo..... :rolleyes

Eric  :eek

[slimwilly]

[color=rgb(51, 51, 51)]I woke up in hospital after a bad accident with a gorgeous nurse standing over me, she said "you may not feel anything from the waist down" i said " can i touch your tits then ?"[/color]

[simonm]

from http://poorlydrawnlines.com

[lew600fazer]

from http://poorlydrawnlines.com

[lew600fazer]

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches

[nsr500v4]

I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees but the washing machine kept falling over!




Sorry!  :o

[nsr500v4]

[color=rgb(0, 0, 0)][/color][table][tr][td][color=rgb(0, 0, 0)][/color][table][tr][td][color=rgb(0, 0, 0)]A man in Glasgow was caught after trying to rob a bank using underwear to mask his face.

He was immediately arrested following a quick debriefing.

  [/color][/td][/tr][/table][color=rgb(0, 0, 0)][/color][/td][/tr][/table][color=rgb(0, 0, 0)][/color]

[Enceladus]

Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.
   
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
tries to be reassuring.
   
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which
he hopes will impress her.
   
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her..
   
 
"You want... Garlic
  Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[lew600fazer]

:lol

Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.
   
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
tries to be reassuring.
   
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which
he hopes will impress her.
   
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her..
   
 
"You want... Garlic
  Chicken with corrifrowa?"

[Buzz]

- A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.  The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

- This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.  The driver got out and he was a dwarf.  He said, "I'm not happy.", I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

[caretaker]

dyslexic walks into a bra...

[nick crisp]

I went to the doctor's, he said to me, I haven't seen you in a long while
I said, I know, I've been ill..

And he said to me, you're very ill. I said, I want a second opinion
He said, ok, you're ugly as well...

Classic Tommy Cooper actually, red98 

[nick crisp]

I was shocked today when I got home from work and the wife told me my 5 year old son isn't really mine.
She said I've got to pay more attention when I pick him up from school...

And I met a crying Worzel Gummidge today, and he was moaning about why couldn't he shorten his name to something cooler.
I said, you shouldn't worry, it could be Worz...

Surrender, or there'll be more...

[lew600fazer]

Precious Picture
Nick sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Nick shockingly. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

[caretaker]

saw my mate the other day looking really upset, so i asked him what was wrong. "i've been to the doctor" he says "and i've got the big C" so i said "what, cancer?" and he says "no, dyslexia."

[caretaker]

although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.

[simonm]

although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.

:lol

[CRH]

turns out"..old macdonald who had a farm was also dislexic ?.....hehi..hehi...F.?

[jackojet]

Man goes to chemist and asks assistant for a tube of Vaseline.
Chemist says we don't sell it in tubes " have you tried Boots"

Man says I want to slip in not walk in
Coat gone :o

[dickturpin]

two fleas sitting at the beach in Benidorm, first laying back on the sunbed enjoying the sun looks at the second flea which is sat shivering...
whats up? why you so cold? asks the first flea
well I've just got here said the second, and ive come all the way from London in a blokes moustache, on the front of a motorbike and i'm friggin' freezing!
no, replies the first flea, you don't wanna to that, do what I do, get to the airport, find a young lady, fly up her skirt and wait till you get here...easy peasy!
a year later, two fleas were on the beach at Benidorm, the first flea enjoying the sun....looks at the second which is sat shivering..
I thought I told you what to do ? asks the first flea, ..why are you freezing again?
Well, replied the second flea...a funny thing happened....I remembered what you said so I went to the airport and found a real stunner. I flew down under her skirt and settled down in her knickers.....well it was lovely and warm and I went to sleep.
When I woke up I was in a blokes moustache on the front of a motorbike heading to Benidorm!!!!!!!!!!!