Just a joke

[hotmetal]

a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?

A Fsh

There's more where that came from:


What do you call a deer with no eyes?






No eye deer.






What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?






Still no eye deer.

[snapper]

with the level of this thread dropping quickly !
 
 what do you call a gorllia with his fingers in his ears ?
 
 
 
wait for it !!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
anything you like he cant hear you ! 
 
 
 come on there must be some worse ones than that ? well maybe ?
 

[richfzs]

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

Still no fucking idea.....

[dazza]

On a recent trip to Ireland I stopped to ask directions
"Excuse me sir, can you tell me the quickest way to the coast ?"
He said thoughtfully in a thick Irish accent "Now let me see, would you be walking or driving ?"
"Driving" I said.
To which he replied  "Yes, that'll be the quickest way"

[bigbluebear]

What do call a bear with no ear
 
 
 
 
 
 
A "b"

[bigbluebear]

I carved out a water melon and put half on my dogs head...........now he's acting all melon collie

[Chris]

what's brown and sticky?
A stick...

What's brown and green and sticky?
A stick with some fungus on it....

How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill.

[dazza]

Man walks into a pet shop and says
"How much are your wasps ?"
"Sorry sir we don't sell wasps"
"Well you've got one in the window"

[bigbluebear]

how do you know your girlfriend's too fat...........when she sits on your face you cant hear the stereo
 
how do you know your girlfriend's too young..........you have to make aeroplane noises to put your cock in her mouth

[Hedgetrimmer]

Well, I took my dog to the vet and said, he's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
So the vet picked him up, looked at his eyes and examined his teeth, then he says, I'm going to have to put him down.
What, I said, because he's cross-eyed?
No, because he's really heavy........
 
And then I went to the psychiatrist wearing just clingfilm for shorts, and the shrink said
I can see clearly you're nuts......
 
When I got home, I decided to clear out the attic with my wife's help
Dusty, filthy, cobwebby
But she's really good with the kids
 
Ha, didn't bring a coat! 

[jackojet]

A mate of mine was a cesarian baby and it's always affected him.
Whenever we are in the car and stop to get out he gets out the sunroof

[bigbluebear]

what you call a woman who's tampon string breaks........a cotton picker

[bigbluebear]

My ex wife could manipulate her muscles in her fanny so it felt like getting a blow job..........which is why I divorced her when she manipulated her muscles in her mouth she sounded like a cunt

[bigbluebear]

when my mum was in labour my head got stuck in her fanny and I had to be pulled out by the mid wife.......that's how excited I was to see my little brother

[Grahamm]

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?

You can't, it's full of elephants.


How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.


How do you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.


How do you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

Giggling from behind the butter dish.


How do you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

The door won't shut.


How do you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

Their Mini is parked outside!

[ChristoT]

Right, you asked for it...

Why did the elephant paint his bollocks red?

To hide in a cherry tree

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

[bigbluebear]

Right, you asked for it...

Why did the elephant paint his bollocks red?

To hide in a cherry tree

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle.....a giraffe eating cherries from the cherry tree

[snapper]

why did the pervert cross the road
 
 
 
 cos he had his dick stuck in a chicken !

[mickvp]

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?

Because the paracetomol

[Grahamm]

Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.

[Enceladus]

you want bad........

what game can you play with a wombat ????

wom !!!

[lew600fazer]

 

The Fairy & The Immigrant [/u][/b] A  beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimantoutside the Social Security Offices. 'My good man,' the fairy said,'I've been told to grant you three wishes,since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'The man told the fairy:'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and  -- PING !!!He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'. The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my familyand the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.I want to bring them all over here. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW,full of his nephews playing their music.'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.  I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl  and I want to have white skin like the English.'PING ! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA,a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.  He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. 'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.  'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'The fairy said'Tough luck. Now that you are English,you're entitled tosweet f***  all like the rest of  us”.And she disappeared [/t][/t][/t]

[marksfazer]

 Injury lawyers 4u are sh1t
 When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over my fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.
 Guess who's in court tomorrow?
 

 
 
  Mary had a little dress
 Split right up the sides
 When she walked around the room
 The boys could see her thighs
 
 
 
 
 
 Mary had another dress
 Split right up the front
 
 
 
 She didn't wear it very often.
 
 
Dear Deirdre,
 
 My boyfriend has told me the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion,he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat willy into my tiny little bumhole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck,deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do ?

 
 
 

[Oldgit]

my sister in law broke my glasses when she sat on them --I should have taken them off first silly me.
The wife was throwing all my clothes out the bedroom window at me outside and she said "I hope you die a long lingering painful death you bastid
So I said "so you want me back then???

[lew600fazer]

Injury lawyers 4u are sh1t
 When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over my fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.
 Guess who's in court tomorrow?
 

 
 
 Mary had a little dress
 Split right up the sides
 When she walked around the room
 The boys could see her thighs
 
 
 
 
 
 Mary had another dress
 Split right up the front
 
 
 
 She didn't wear it very often.
 
 
Dear Deirdre,
 
 My boyfriend has told me the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion,he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat willy into my tiny little bumhole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck,deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do ?

Ah!! are you a mate of Rolf Harris by any chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!