On "Come Dine With Me" a brummy lass is looking round the hosts bedroom and can't figure out what all the white apparel and protective clothing is for. Her companion suggests he may be a fencer, to which she, in all seriousness, replies.....................
"YOU MEAN LIKE A TREE SURGEON" :eek :rollin :rollin :rollin :'(
And these people are allowed to breed?
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!
<blockquote>It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing." </blockquote>
(24-07-12, 11:09 AM)JZS 600 link Wrote: <blockquote>It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing." </blockquote> ...... :rollin :rollin :rollin :rollin :rollin ..cracker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, if we're into the Oirish jokes.................................
Paddy and Mick are watching the scuba diving on TV.
Paddy says to Mick................. "Whoi is it dat dem doivers allus goes in backwards????"
"Don't be a feckin eeedjit Mick. If dey went forwards dey would still be in de boat"
(Stolen, unashamedly and brazenly, from Big Mac.)
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!
(24-07-12, 11:49 AM)DILLIGAFF link Wrote: Well, if we're into the Oirish jokes.................................
Paddy and Mick are watching the scuba diving on TV.
Paddy says to Mick................. "Whoi is it dat dem doivers allus goes in backwards????"
"Don't be a feckin eeedjit Mick. If dey went forwards dey would still be in de boat"
(Stolen, unashamedly and brazenly, from Big Mac.)
One of my personal favourites - thanks for trotting it out 
(24-07-12, 10:42 AM)DILLIGAFF link Wrote: On "Come Dine With Me" a brummy lass is looking round the hosts bedroom and can't figure out what all the white apparel and protective clothing is for. Her companion suggests he may be a fencer, to which she, in all seriousness, replies.....................
ah classic........key word........................................BRUMMY :rollin :rollin :rollin
"YOU MEAN LIKE A TREE SURGEON" :eek :rollin :rollin :rollin :'(
And these people are allowed to breed?
One, is never going to be enough.....
Red............thanx for reposting???????????
Yet another classic comment from the same show................
Corpulent Scots dinner guest to equally corpulent black lady guest...............
"You look like a bit of a dark horse" :eek :rollin
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!
What's black and blue and floats in the Irish sea?
The last Englishman to tell an Irish joke! :rolleyes
Only joking, loved the scuba diving one! Actually lol'd!
The North Korea ladies football team took to the field at Hampden this evening, albeit a bit late, and as they did so the screen started to go through the team. One by one their pictures appeared on the big lcd......
....
.alongside the south Korea flag
The beeb commentator then comes out with, "apparently, they're not the friendliest of nations"
They trooped off and refused to play. Bit like their government
Smell ones mother. Yaas!
(25-07-12, 09:31 PM)Tiberius Onklevaart link Wrote: They trooped off and refused to play. Bit like their government
Ask the Scots Foccers how they'd feel if their team's name went up with the flag of St George next to them...!
Erm, I'm no actually dutch y'know
Smell ones mother. Yaas!
DILLIGAFF - is this the time to bring up your 'you can see your face in your shoes' at Savoy Place... ? :lol
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that
she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took
the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago,"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at the convention?"
"Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information
that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Scottish
descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the
absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn''t really be discussing all this with you. I don''t
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto McTavish, but my friends call me Bubba."
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of immigrants, a poof, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!'
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"
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