20-12-13, 09:35 PM
(This post was last modified: 20-12-13, 10:51 PM by nick crisp.)
I've been hearing loads of these around, so here is a complete guide - unless you know different?
Chuck Norris doesn't dial a wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity. Chuck Norris got it back for her.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't make typos. He creates new words.
Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver. And wins.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a Cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris had a staring down contest with the sun and won.
Chuck Norris can burn ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart wouldn't dare attack him.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and use them to make lemonade.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can make snowballs out of rain.
Chuck Norris practices origami with plywood.
Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris can speak French. In Russian.
Chuck Norris once climbed Everest in 15 minutes. For 14 minutes of that, he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
Chuck Norris can do wheelies on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test. The machine confessed everything.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognises the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can remember the future.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
They had to change the name of Chuck Norris Road, because everyone that crossed it got killed.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built himself.
Black holes can bend light. Chuck Norris can go in, retrieve it, straighten it again, and close the black hole.
When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said "say please".
When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks the closet to make sure Chuck Norris isn't in there.
Chuck Norris did a front snap kick to the chin of a horse and created the giraffe.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can do a roundhouse kick to the back of your face.
Lots of people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.
Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial a wrong number. You pick up the wrong phone.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity. Chuck Norris got it back for her.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris doesn't make typos. He creates new words.
Chuck Norris plays Russian Roulette with a fully loaded revolver. And wins.
Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch a Cyclops between the eye.
Chuck Norris had a staring down contest with the sun and won.
Chuck Norris can burn ants with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart wouldn't dare attack him.
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and use them to make lemonade.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can make snowballs out of rain.
Chuck Norris practices origami with plywood.
Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.
Chuck Norris can speak French. In Russian.
Chuck Norris once climbed Everest in 15 minutes. For 14 minutes of that, he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with hot butter.
Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
Chuck Norris can do wheelies on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can make fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test. The machine confessed everything.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognises the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can remember the future.
Chuck Norris doesn't eat honey. He chews bees.
They had to change the name of Chuck Norris Road, because everyone that crossed it got killed.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built himself.
Black holes can bend light. Chuck Norris can go in, retrieve it, straighten it again, and close the black hole.
When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris said "say please".
When the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks the closet to make sure Chuck Norris isn't in there.
Chuck Norris did a front snap kick to the chin of a horse and created the giraffe.
Chuck Norris is the only person who can do a roundhouse kick to the back of your face.
Lots of people wear Superman pyjamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.
Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of spiders is called arachnophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called logic.
When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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