(01-12-13, 10:18 AM)unfazed link Wrote: [img width=280 height=306 alt=True]https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg[/img]
The answer to all problems

(01-12-13, 10:48 AM)nick crisp link Wrote: [quote author=unfazed link=topic=9499.msg115493#msg115493 date=1385889491]
[img width=280 height=306 alt=True]https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg[/img]
The answer to all problems

• Whisky
  1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three  days!
  
  Fortune Teller
  2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my  hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding?  I've still got my gloves on! 
  
  Doctor
  3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this'  [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.' 
  
  Alarm clock
  4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and  said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An  alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it  bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up,  he bites my finger.' 
  
  Soup
  5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the  alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!' 
  
  Doctor (2)
  6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a  hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath! 
  
  Dreams
  7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound  marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone. 
  
  Driver
  8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a  policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said,  'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.' 
  
  Gambling
  9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a  smaller house. 
  
  Music
  10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I  dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? 
  
  Betting
  11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can  take several thousand people for a ride at the same time 
  
  Jester
  12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool! 
  
  Kangaroo
  13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs 
  
  Marriage
  14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper  something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'. 
  
  Advice
  15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not  interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you. 
  
  Pork chops
  16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make  them lean. He said, 'Which way?' 
  
  Marriage (2)
  17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She  said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!' 
  
  Undertakers
  18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down 
  
  Doctor (3)
  19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for  my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions. 
  
  Sleep
  20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every  morning around 3am. 
  
  Put-down
  21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning  either. 
  
  Ballet
  22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in. 
  
  Doctor (4)
  23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down  on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.' 
  
  Waiter
  24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought  me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in  a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.' 
  
  Cannibals
  25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the  other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'