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+--- Thread: Just a joke (/showthread.php?tid=65119)
Re: Just a joke - nick crisp - 27-10-13
A woman took her very limp pet duck to a vet and asked if he could examine it.
He placed the duck on the examination table and placed his stethoscope to the ducks chest.
I'm afraid your duck is dead, he told her.
Dead? Are you sure? I mean, it's not in just in a coma or something? You haven't carried out any tests or anything!
The vet leaves the room and comes back a short while later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the woman looks on worried, the dog places it's paws on the examination table, sniffs the duck from head to foot, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes it's head.
Then the vet takes the dog out of the room, and comes back with a cat, which he puts on the table. The cat also sniffs the duck from head to foot, looks up at the vet, meows softly and shakes its head. Then the vet takes the cat out of the room.
He then comes back in, sits at his desk and prints out the bill for the woman.
She takes it and says, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!
The vet says, well, it would have been 20 quid, but then there's the Lab report and the cat scan to pay for.......
Re: Just a joke - lew600fazer - 28-10-13
An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes".
"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"
Don't blame me blame the Scotsman
Re: Just a joke - unfazed - 28-10-13
One of Shobbas best :lol
Re: Just a joke - nick crisp - 30-10-13
The fattest knight at King Arthur's court was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. The police are looking for a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Definition of a will: a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Re: Just a joke - nick crisp - 31-10-13
Why old fellas don't get hired
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Old fella: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.
Re: Just a joke - unfazed - 01-11-13
The nurse in A&E asked me if I could remember what happened,
All I could remember was being in a lift and this big busty lady got on.
I was staring at her breasts when she says "Press 1"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that
Re: Just a joke - CRH - 14-11-13
two piles of sick talking to each other in a pub car park?....one says"...looks familiar round here?..other one say,s why ?....ist one say,s...think i was bought up around here :rolleyes .....
Re: Just a joke - CRH - 14-11-13
knock on door halloween night"....little lad standing there?....hey up i said?..and who are you dressed up has?....little lad says?....irat...i said what was that?...he says irat"....oh you mean ...pirate??...he says yes irat"...you look a real good irat" too i say,s?...now where are your bucceneers"?....the little lad replies?....AT THE SIDE OF ME FKIN HEAD"...where did you think they was?? :\
Re: Just a joke - lew600fazer - 15-11-13
:rollin
(31-10-13, 11:35 PM)nick crisp link Wrote: Why old fellas don't get hired
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Old fella: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.
Re: Just a joke - lew600fazer - 15-11-13
not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best :lol
Re: Just a joke - Lazarus - 16-11-13
(15-11-13, 12:46 AM)lew600fazer link Wrote: not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best :lol
a bit like me signature ?
Re: Just a joke - richfzs - 16-11-13
Had it as my signature for a long time, back in the yucky days, might still now, can't see on the tablet!
It's a (loose) quote from hunter s. Thompson
Re: Just a joke - nick crisp - 16-11-13
(15-11-13, 12:46 AM)lew600fazer link Wrote: Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Exactly why I need a KTM 1290 SD R! :lol
Re: Just a joke - Looney tune - 18-11-13
Spoke to a Chinese lady down in the village on Saturday, she says she is opening a shop that sells crows.
I said " don't you mean clothes "
She said " no, I mean crows "
I said " ok then, I'll pop in sometime for a rook "
Re: Just a joke - CRH - 18-11-13
bloke in front of me in chippy asked for steak and kiddley pie" and chips"....woman behind counter said?..oh you mean "steak and kidney" pie!!....bloke says?....yea"...thats what i said?....."diddleye"... :rolleyes
Re: Just a joke - midden - 18-11-13
must be in the delivery
Re: Just a joke - Looney tune - 21-11-13
[color=rgb(90, 90, 90)]So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....[/color]
Re: Just a joke - TonyW - 21-11-13
Two interesting facts about me.
1) My erect knob is longer than two Argos pens held end to end
2) I'm banned from every Argos in the country
:lol
Re: Just a joke - codgie - 21-11-13
(21-11-13, 07:29 PM)Looney tune link Wrote: [color=rgb(90, 90, 90)]So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....[/color]
that jokes tooo good for this section :lol :lol :lol
Re: Just a joke - slimwilly - 22-11-13
[color=rgb(40, 40, 40)]Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.[/color][color=rgb(40, 40, 40)][/size]One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.[/color]