Author Topic: Just a joke (Read 72574 times)

Ebme Geek · « **Reply #100 on:** 10 September 2013, 02:57:11 pm »

Bought the misses a bag and a belt for her birthday, foccing hoover works a treat now

Lazarus · « **Reply #101 on:** 10 September 2013, 03:42:45 pm »

It was our leather wedding anniversary at the weekend

so I went home and gave the wife a belt on the mouth.

Lawrence · « **Reply #102 on:** 10 September 2013, 04:01:16 pm »

Quote from: Ebme Geek on 10 September 2013, 02:57:11 pm

Bought the misses a bag and a belt for her birthday, foccing hoover works a treat now

lew600fazer · « **Reply #103 on:** 14 September 2013, 02:18:53 pm »

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

robby boy · « **Reply #104 on:** 15 September 2013, 12:36:55 am »

three farmers discussing what they've got their wives for christmas, first farmer says "I got my wife a gold ring and a pair of gloves, if she does not like her ring she can put the gloves on and not offend me by not wearing the ring", second farmer says " I got my wife a diamond necklace and a scarf, if she does not like the necklace she can put on the scarf and not offend me by not wearing the necklace", third farmer says"I bought my wife a 6X10 sectional shed and a vibrator, if she does not like her shed she can go F*** herself"

Coats on I'm off!!

lew600fazer · « **Reply #105 on:** 19 September 2013, 05:57:49 pm »

Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
I'll close the door on the way out

unfazed · « **Reply #106 on:** 19 September 2013, 07:33:46 pm »

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

From Genesis:

"And God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

Ouch! Who closed the foccing door

rik · « **Reply #107 on:** 21 September 2013, 12:12:49 am »

CRH · « **Reply #108 on:** 21 September 2013, 09:24:08 am »

next door neighbors dog ate a plastic part off there hoover last week!!..had to have emergency opp

...told to ring later that day, ...said he was much better ....and..picking up nicely

......

lew600fazer · « **Reply #109 on:** 23 September 2013, 11:16:12 pm »

Lorry driver pulls into transport cafe car park and goes into cafe, orders a breakfast, three cocky greasers pull up on motorbikes and enter cafe sitting next to lorry driver, lorry drivers breakfast turns up, while he is eating one of the bikers leans over and grabs a sausage from the drivers plate, driver says nothing, soon after the biker leans over and grabs a rasher of bacon, lorry driver says nothing, after he has finished he stands up and walks out, biker turns to a guy walking in and says` not much of a man he was`, man who came in says ` not much of a driver too, he has just ran over three motorbikes on his way off the park`...

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #110 on:** 07 October 2013, 12:05:32 pm »

After a night of heavy drinking, I got a taxi to a brothel.
"How does this work, I've, er, never done this before?" I asked nervously.
"Well, you tell me where you want to go and then we drive there" replied the taxi driver.

Liroka · « **Reply #111 on:** 07 October 2013, 04:38:31 pm »

I met a young lady in the club the other night. Surprisingly we hit it off really well and spent the night dancing together. At the end of the night I asked her if she'd like to grab a coffee to which she replied she was sorry but she was on her period cycle. I said "That's OK love, I'll follow you on my Fazer."

unfazed · « **Reply #112 on:** 15 October 2013, 07:53:34 pm »

Guy goes into a tattooist and asks for a full depiction of an Indian tattooed on his back.

After three hours solid work the guy says to the tattooist, " Hey mate, make sure you put a tomahawk in his hand, will ya?"

The tattooist replies, "Fuck sake mate, give me a chance, I've just finished his feckin turban!!"

mr self destruct · « **Reply #113 on:** 15 October 2013, 08:17:50 pm »

Some corkers here, but 113 posts in and no-ones mentioned this peach?

It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!"

Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David."

Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew."

Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #114 on:** 15 October 2013, 09:46:04 pm »

An Islamic cleric recently said in a radio interview that in an ideal world he'd like to see homosexuals executed.

I was shocked!

What would a muslim be doing in an ideal world?!

I recently got to talking to this guy in a pub who said his mate had just crashed his motorcycle. He said he had slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and only one leg.

I said, blimey, no wonder he crashed...........

I wonder how many people I've offended with those then....... $:\$

Exupnut · « **Reply #115 on:** 15 October 2013, 09:54:47 pm »

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman....
Shit in her cunt.

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #116 on:** 15 October 2013, 10:13:02 pm »

This one for quantum physicists............

Has anyone looked in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?

Eh?..............

Exupnut · « **Reply #117 on:** 15 October 2013, 10:23:35 pm »

He's not there nick but his cat is

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #118 on:** 15 October 2013, 10:30:12 pm »

Was it still alive?

Exupnut · « **Reply #119 on:** 15 October 2013, 10:57:27 pm »

Paradoxically he was both alive and dead. And he fukin stank of decaying atom's. Cunt

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #120 on:** 15 October 2013, 11:01:27 pm »

dazza · « **Reply #121 on:** 16 October 2013, 04:32:33 am »

Two men standing in a queue, both with black eyes. One said to the other. "How did you get that mate"? "Well I went to buy a train ticket and got a bit distracted by the lady serving me, she had lovely tits and instead of asking for a return to Birmingham I ended up saying bosom. How did you get yours"?
"That's unbelievable", he said, "the same thing happened to me, I was having tea with my wife and I meant to say...Can you pass me the salt please but I ended up saying...You ruined my life you fat ugly cunt.

Lampwick · « **Reply #122 on:** 16 October 2013, 09:51:46 am »

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #123 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:09:22 pm »

A mechanic noticed his colleague drinking brake fluid from the bottle.

Hey man, you can't drink that stuff!

Relax, it tastes good and I don't drink it that often, said the colleague

Yeah but it's real bad for you man, that stuff is poison! replied the mechanic.

Hey, back off! said the colleague, getting angry. It's my choice and I can stop anytime I want!

Fer chrissakes.........

Dead Eye · « **Reply #124 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:15:12 pm »

I don't get it :|