Author Topic: Management bolloxspeak (Read 4249 times)

Streetbudgie · « **on:** 17 May 2013, 02:06:43 pm »

I have just received the statement below in an e mail from a particularly useless project manager - I'm actually going to print it out and wipe my arse with it.

I may or may not then send it to the wanker.

Quote

For information I have moved onto a secondment and G is picking up the completion of the workstream, however I will attend next week’s call so that we can ensure that all our ducks are in a row moving forward

richfzs · « **Reply #1 on:** 17 May 2013, 02:11:42 pm »

Sounds like you and I work in the same place, fella!

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk 2

Oldgit · « **Reply #2 on:** 17 May 2013, 02:48:39 pm »

target and flag this bastid moving forward on the event horizon and transfer seamlessly into coiled spring mode whereby consensus in delivery to stakeholders is rolled out and cascaded to all incumbents going forward with unity of goals and team awareness.
Fuck im.

pilgrim · « **Reply #3 on:** 17 May 2013, 03:14:08 pm »

Best management bollocks I have ever heard was this little gem from our production manager in a supervisors meeting at a company I worked for about 15 years ago. Not gobbledy gook, but the sort of thing that leaves a person astounded:
" Its my job to come up with the ideas. Its your job to make them work. If they dont work, thats not my fault, its yours. "
The bloke was a twenty four carat twat.

clayt74 · « **Reply #4 on:** 17 May 2013, 03:40:25 pm »

Its this kind of misalignment of communication that is a contributing factor to the reluctance of change that our business ethics cannot endear or sustain! There is no question that is a stupid question, but if you have nothing of value to contribute? then please refrain from diluting the think tank that will take us forwards in our excellence! !!

I hear it.... but...... foc em!!!!

Stooby2 · « **Reply #5 on:** 17 May 2013, 03:42:36 pm »

It always worries me when managers go on about touching each other's bases.

Davebo · « **Reply #6 on:** 17 May 2013, 04:05:07 pm »

One of my favourite quotes was my old boss saying to a particularly tw@ttish @rsehole "You know, I shouldn't be surprised if you weren't right'.

jon · « **Reply #7 on:** 17 May 2013, 04:06:48 pm »

Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid people.

sure2ride · « **Reply #8 on:** 17 May 2013, 04:20:00 pm »

Not exactly management speak but a lovely quote I heard was put on an employees staff report......"sets himself low standards, which he fails to meet"....sounds like your boss.

dBfazer600 · « **Reply #9 on:** 17 May 2013, 04:34:42 pm »

This thread has made my day. They are a special bread with self importance and usually bugger up everything then expect some one else to pick up the peaces. Or is it just my work place with this standard of incompetency that is been blamed on the changes of which they were made aware of 12 months ago but state we were given no warning of the type of changes been implamented.

The only thing management do well is to implement the correct procedure of wiping their own ass after a sudden loss of the bowls

Daz

locksmith · « **Reply #10 on:** 17 May 2013, 05:15:46 pm »

Quote from: Stooby2 on 17 May 2013, 03:42:36 pm

It always worries me when managers go on about touching each other's bases.

I'd be worried if they wanted to touch MY base!

JZS 600 · « **Reply #11 on:** 17 May 2013, 06:48:44 pm »

Looks like he has that covered soup to nuts.

flyboy · « **Reply #12 on:** 17 May 2013, 06:54:55 pm »

what you need is a game of Wank Word Bingo

VNA - BMW Wank · « **Reply #13 on:** 17 May 2013, 06:55:50 pm »

I suggest you make sure you are flying ahead of the plane on this one.

Mark YPVS · « **Reply #14 on:** 17 May 2013, 07:28:19 pm »

'If things don't change.....They will stay the same'

Dave48 · « **Reply #15 on:** 17 May 2013, 07:42:11 pm »

At least he didn't mention "Singing from the same Hymn sheet" or "Ballparks" or dare I suggest "Blue Sky Thinking"

ChristoT · « **Reply #16 on:** 17 May 2013, 10:10:03 pm »

Quote from: Dave48 on 17 May 2013, 07:42:11 pm

At least he didn't mention "Singing from the same Hymn sheet" or "Ballparks" or dare I suggest "Blue Sky Thinking"

Dave48 · « **Reply #17 on:** 17 May 2013, 10:25:53 pm »

Brilliant, ChristoT, Enjoyed the video-the phrases I quoted were often used by our depot manager 10 years ago -before I retired. Now I know where he got his inspiration

Well if its sunny tomorrow its got to be the B--- S-- Fazer!

chris.biker · « **Reply #18 on:** 17 May 2013, 11:56:30 pm »

The best phrase I ever heard from a manager, first I need to take you back to the moment it was said. I was a skinny apprentice learning my trade from the craftsmen around me, one of which had made a steel frame and had me assisting him ( or was it he was putting up with showing me the ropes?) well having made the frame it needed glass fitting into it with silicon sealant. I nervously had one side of the glass to clamp down into the sealant my tightening a G-clamp with a rubber pad between it a the glass sheet. The craftsman had instructed me to do up the clamp just enough to start squeezing down the rubber pad, as I reach this point I asked the craftsman at the same time our manager arrived '' is this enough then''. before I heard any reply from my trusted guide the manager pushed me a side took control of the clamp stating '' in this game you have to be fearless'' stated as he applied a fraction of a turn on the clamp and as the glass broke.

I and the craftsman made our way straight to the gents where we laughed so hard it hurt.

'' you got to be fearless in this game'' Remember a crackingly true management statement.

steeeve66 · « **Reply #19 on:** 18 May 2013, 08:13:25 am »

Kind of related: http://businessguysonbusinesstrips.com/

For anyone who works in the creative industry - pretty sure that last guy with the tattoo works on my office...

Stooby2 · « **Reply #20 on:** 18 May 2013, 09:01:22 am »

This is definitely joined-up thinking in which the overarching principles should be promulgated pan-country to ensure that suitable infotainment is readily sourceable by the media interface users.

J_Dub · « **Reply #21 on:** 18 May 2013, 11:34:20 am »

Are we talking in a vacuum here?

DILLIGAFF · « **Reply #22 on:** 18 May 2013, 11:35:56 am »

My synapse connectivity estimates he may have exceeded his blue sky parameters and bordered his arena of cognitive awareness.

= I think he thinks too much.