If that's the way the EU wants it, then fine.
The word 'Deal' suggests agreement between two or more parties.
I'll be sending out dictionaries for Xmas
You see, that's where your argument fails. No deal means that we aren't bound by EU rules anymore. Therefore, if we want to to say EU citizens living and working here can stay, we can. But we can also say that to only the ones who benefit us by being here. Or to whoever we decide we want to. That's the point of no deal that seems to be going straight over your head. We will have the sovereignty over our own land to do as we see fit, for
our benefit. Then, if the EU still wants to chuck UK citizens out, we'll see (more of) their true colours.
The EU says it has things to lose by us leaving. After a no deal exit, it will then be up to them to demonstrate if they mean that, or they want nothing more to do with us. You Remainers only see the extremes of everything. Perhaps that is why the EU suits you so much. If the EU then wants to negotiate common ground in various things sensibly, i.e. they give up this idea that they can just dictate to us, then we'll see a new relationship develop.