How not to apply for a new passport

[slimwilly]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,...

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
 

[Doddsie]

 

[lew600fazer]

 

[Punkstig]

My latest contracts are for UK Border agency, I deliver the passports and paperwork to airports kicking illegals out of the country.


Job satisfaction- tick!

[ChristoT]

I just got my passport - glad you weren't there to kick me out, they haven't yet cottoned on I am secretly a Froggie! 

[fazersharp]

Nooooo I smell a rat - this has all the markers for a fake viral thing that never was. 8 passports would make him well into his 90s and the language and phrases used does not sound or fit with his age and true to form for these fake things it gets progressively extreme as you read thorough it. Its a fake, non the less true or funny for it -- but a fake.

[ChristoT]

Nooooo I smell a rat - this has all the markers for a fake viral thing that never was. 8 passports would make him well into his 90s and the language and phrases used does not sound or fit with his age and true to form for these fake things it gets progressively extreme as you read thorough it. Its a fake, non the less true or funny for it -- but a fake.

No, child passports only last 5 years. I'm nearly 20 now, but already on my 4th (at least) passport. That would make him 60/70 ish.

Just to play devil's advocate. I agree with ya!!

[Doddsie]

A lot of assuming going on here, what if he has lost a couple and re applied for them?? 

[fazersharp]

Its just got the feel of a fake and my instincks on these things never let me down (unlike my spelling)
Some more clues he says  "pension book" so he is supposed to be at least over 65 and still the wrong language used for the age
He says "It is on my National Health card." his age would have no such thing as cards were a new thing unless he lost or forgot it in the past in which case a reminder number is issued via a letter and not a card.
Look at it -- it starts off quite tame and just at the point where its getting boring -- it steps up a notch and keeps going that way till the end and a final punch line. Its well written but does not fool me
Any one else see a fake like me and christo 

[Pat]

Of course it's a fake, it's been out there for years & was originally an American allegedly complaining to the State Department, hence despite a poor attemp at 'Britifying' it, it still has US only references, like visiting farms & those customs declaration forms you have to fill in when entering the US, but the dead give away is the "my family has been in this country since 1776" bit 

[Dead Eye]

I'd just like to add that my great Uncle is in his late 70's and does most certainly swear like that... a few years ago he had a restraining order put on him after decking someone who was being an ass in a car park (not that its justfifiable at all) but he was in the S.A.S and enjoys shooting the squirrels in his garden...

My point being that just because people get old, doesn't mean they tone down :P

[Stooby2]

Anything circulated on the internet that says "This is an actual..." or "real story" or "100% genuine"  is almost always complete made-up bollocks.

[esetest]

Nothing like a good rant , I reckon he should apply for a job as a diplomat .

[fazersharp]

I wasent refering to swearing when I said the language used but more in the way it sounded as it had an american sniff about it.
Your great uncle is a star !

[Dead Eye]

Ah fair enough, I understand where you are coming from a bit more now

[goldfazer]

Almost certainly fake, but class anyway

[Chris]

Real or not, we've all thought it when filling out those pesky forms!
 
Chris

[caretaker]

i tell you what annoys me. i apply for a CRB check for my job. i then take on another part time job in another school and i have to apply for another one!! why exactly? is it to keep someone in a job?

[Robbie8666]

i tell you what annoys me. i apply for a CRB check for my job. i then take on another part time job in another school and i have to apply for another one!! why exactly? is it to keep someone in a job?

frustrates me & the Mrs too! I hold a security clearance well above CRB and yet scouting have to apply for another! & my Mrs works part time in the hospital with new mums / babies etc and then is also a school cook just down the road and had to have another check done!

like the original "application" states the information is all on the system!!
(the problem is none of the Gov't agencies want to have to pay to join the systems up!) but thats another thread entirely!

[unfazed]

When I was gettting the boat to France from Cork a few years ago, we were asked for our passports at the ferry check in, the clerk says "we can't let you on your wifes passport is out of date"
I had forgotten to check the dates on both passports as I thought we both got our passports the same time. When my wife asked if our passports were ok I said yes and she did not check them.
After a stand up discussion with me saying "well she is still the same person and if she gets a new passport she will still be the same person and the only difference in the passport will be the expiry date" the manager then says " it is policy that we only accept valid passports as identification" my reply "where does it say on the documentations that I have here that the passport must be in date, if only says to bring a passport for identiification and this passport even though it is out of date identifies her". Uneasy silence and finally the manager saying "we will let you on but we cannot be responsible for the French stopping you" 
We rode off the boat in Roscoff and spent 2 weeks in France and back again without anyone in France who looked at the passports even mention the passport was out of date.  
 
 

[Chillum]

As far as I know the only rational reason to expire passports every ten years is to force a new photo, i.e. a more recent likeness. Well played though, that's an excellent argument.

[ChristoT]

As far as I know the only rational reason to expire passports every ten years is to force a new photo, i.e. a more recent likeness. Well played though, that's an excellent argument.

And to make more money out of you...