Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything

[AJM]

My sick very overweight Parrot has just died....i feel like a huge weight has gone from my shoulders

[Grahamm]

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike yesterday.

I rode on, Ruthlessly...

[coffee]

I know just how you feel,a few years back  in Ireland my girlfriend Need did the same thing but I just carried on needlessly.

[AJM]

funny you should say that, i was riding along with Hope on the back when........i'll get me coat

[F4celess]

My sick very overweight Parrot has just died....i feel like a huge weight has gone from my shoulders

Should we offer our grievances or be cheering in celebration? Sounded like a long illness, plus for the birds sake, finally no more suffering?

We owned a young parrot quite recently, was very intensive being an owner, constant attention required. Most of that time we spent chasing the thing around with a toilet roll ! 

[ogri48]

my granddad misread his invitation to ww1. he thought he was going over to give the nun a good licking..

[Oldgit]

To the person who stole my depression medication--I hope your happy now.

[robbo]

A train is about to crash. A virgin strips off and said "Can anyone make me feel like a women before I die", so a man strips off and said "Iron these".

[coffee]

I was just taking a walk in the park and came across a bloke tied to a tree,he'd been tricked into this situation by a person who was pretending to hug a tree and said "you try it,it makes you feel good" the bloke put his hands around the tree and quick as a flash the bastard cable tied his hands together stripped him off and took his clothes and money."thank god you came along when you did"the bloke said to me "hurry up and cut me down,I'm freezing" I gently kissed him on the neck and whispered "looks like it's not your lucky day ay?"

[Grahamm]

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

[Grahamm]

After you've been down the pub...

[AJM]

Paddy refused to repair the electric chair in prison.....he said it looked loike a fekkin death trap 

[YamFazFan]

It's that time of year again....'The Secret Cyclists'. Under the cloak of darkness they wobble their way along on their undercover mission. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Fixie. Clothed in black and without the illumination of lights in order to create a virtual cloak of invisibilty to the passing motorists who desperately seek to reveal their identity in the pitch black. Will their cover be blown?. Will they actually arrive at the rendezvous in one piece?. Will the motorists be to blame whatever?. To be continued............(until the clocks go forward).

[Dynspud]

Natural Selection at its best.
Improving the gene pool by removing idiots. 

[Dudeofrude]

It's that time of year again....'The Secret Cyclists'. Under the cloak of darkness they wobble their way along on their undercover mission. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Fixie. Clothed in black and without the illumination of lights in order to create a virtual cloak of invisibilty to the passing motorists who desperately seek to reveal their identity in the pitch black. Will their cover be blown?. Will they actually arrive at the rendezvous in one piece?. Will the motorists be to blame whatever?. To be continued............(until the clocks go forward).

Well apparently the morons that run the  country are gonna give them and mindless zombie pedestrians the right of way over cars 😔😔
Absolute joke of a country we live in

[slappy]

The Highway Code is going to be changed to encourage people to open their car door using the " dutch reach" and at the same time Cycling UK want the code to say vehicles must give at least 1.5 metres space when overtaking a cyclist., why can't cyclists give 1.5 meters space when passing parked cars as well?
At the same time time Cycling UK are also asking for the advice for cyclists to wear a safety helmet and fluorescent clothing to be removed as this encourages " victim blaming" and as everyone knows cyclists are never in the wrong!

[Frosties]

The Highway Code is going to be changed to encourage people to open their car door using the " dutch reach" and at the same time Cycling UK want the code to say vehicles must give at least 1.5 metres space when overtaking a cyclist., why can't cyclists give 1.5 meters space when passing parked cars as well?
At the same time time Cycling UK are also asking for the advice for cyclists to wear a safety helmet and fluorescent clothing to be removed as this encourages " victim blaming" and as everyone knows cyclists are never in the wrong!

 

[Grahamm]

why can't cyclists give 1.5 meters space when passing parked cars as well?

Because, even though it's perfectly legal for you to do so, you get some idiot on your back wheel wanting you to get out of their way because you're slowing them down reaching the next traffic jam...

[YamFazFan]

You'd be lucky to see their back wheels this morning at 6.30 a.m.
Pitch black with thick fog and still no lights or bright clothing.

[Grahamm]

You'd be lucky to see their back wheels this morning at 6.30 a.m.
Pitch black with thick fog and still no lights or bright clothing.

I wear hi viz and have bright lights on my bicycle. Still doesn't help if some bugger isn't looking or has a sense of entitlement because they "pay to use the road" and think I shouldn't be in their way, even though the law says I have as much right to use the road as them...

[YamFazFan]

That's very true Grahamm, if they're not looking in the first place then lights/hi-vis becomes irrelevant.


Certainly can't argue with that one. No way whatsoever.


Irrelevant to my O/P concerning the motorists who are looking but struggling to see the cyclists because they don't have any lights/hi-vis though

[fazersharp]

I am seeing a lot of cyclists around my parts that have no lights -zig zag on and off the pavement, this in an area with a massive amount of polish, eastern European migrants that use the bike as their main transport.Yes no matter how high vis your vis is drivers still do not see you.I had high vis top on including arms with modded - both lights on I had one pull out on me from a side street - he going right on a 30 road I was going about 20. He stopped 1/4 way out when he did see me and I gesticulated by pulling on my high vis and a palms up hand gesture whilst shaking my head and HE started blasting his horn at ME  . Maybe he though he could pull out quickly as I was only going 20.     

[Wharfe]

True story this....
I recently did some work at a nursing home for people with chronic severe mental illness, the kind that are not harmful to others but just too unwell to be able to be looked after in their own homes.
One of the residents there routinely wears an LED  headtorch,  and a flashing red rear cycle lamp on both wrists,  all switched on. I'm not sure what the moral is here but I think it's "guys, this bloke  wears lights indoors, in daylight whilst just walking around, but who is the "mad" one here ? Him, or you - cycling at night with no lights?"
Just a thort...

[Grahamm]

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise and made her upset

The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[darrsi]

You'd be lucky to see their back wheels this morning at 6.30 a.m.
Pitch black with thick fog and still no lights or bright clothing.

I wear hi viz and have bright lights on my bicycle. Still doesn't help if some bugger isn't looking or has a sense of entitlement because they "pay to use the road" and think I shouldn't be in their way, even though the law says I have as much right to use the road as them...

Did you mention "the law" on behalf of cyclists? 
The ones i normally see recklessly break more laws than they obey, the most favoured one being the jumping of red lights. Mind you, buses are just as bad for doing that as well.