Fathers speech

[slimwilly]

Oh Shit !!!
Saturday the 14th Sept, my oldest daughter is getting married ,ahh blesss,


Now i have to stand infront of all those awayday freebee grabbing beggars and say a few nice words, about my daughter,no probs and her husband to be is ok,
Now i must say a few perhaps interesting,quirky? funny tales,,buttttttt WHAT???


Help !!!

[red98]

oh dear.....things must be bad....your asking for help on here  ...have a great day matey,best wishes and all that 

[Frosties]

As father of the bride it is my privilege to make the first speech. I would like to welcome all our guests. To-day we are surrounded by most of the friends and family that have been important to us during our lives. Some of them have travelled hundreds of miles just to be here today. On behalf of Morag and I, Morticia and Dwayne – we welcome you all and thank you most sincerely for sharing this special day with us. However as always on occasions such as this there are always friends and family who cannot make it. To be truthful on Monday I thought that my loving wife also known as Olga Korbut of Croydon wouldn’t be here. However the orthopaedic staff at Croydon general pulled out all the stops . So first of all please join me in a toast to absent friends and family.
I know that at a lot weddings this is the speech that everyone dreads, both Morticia and Morag have asked me to keep it short.
I even know that there is a book running on how long the speech will last, all I will say to the person who is running the book, put me down for 59 minutes and 58 seconds.
I also understand there was betting going on whether I would have tears in my eyes when I took Morticia down the aisle, for those of you who saw the tears, may I put the record straight. I did have tears in my eyes, but that was because I was worrying over what I would say to my bank manager and accountant on Monday morning after paying for this.
As many of you know I am not really a religious man but consider myself extremely blessed. I have a gorgeous wife, 1/2/3 loving daughters and a granddaughter I would die for, and now there is the addition of Dwayne. But more about him later!
Olga and I are so proud today, Morticia has always brightened up our lives -mostly because when was at home she never turned any lights off ! As you can see She dresses to kill, the trouble is She cooks the same way. Morticia is the only person I know that when you go All inclusive on holiday she still wont go to the bar! Dwayne, I think you are going to be busy in Mexico/Macclesfield next week mate.
On the way here driving the car a mixture of pride and absolute relief swept over me, at this point I went into a trance like state a bit like our Dwayne's driving, thinking of all the things that could go wrong and stared out of the window, looking at the centre of the road seeing the white lines and the occasional cats eye, I then thought of how they had been invented, which, was for those that don’t know is reputed to have been during the black out during WW2 when a cars lights reflected in a “moggies” eyes giving the inventor that great idea, I just wonder if the cat had been facing the other way whether he would have invented the pencil sharpener!
Standing here reminded me of a joke. Two TV aerials met on a roof, they fell in love and eventually married. The wedding pictures were pretty good but the reception was brilliant. OK, no more jokes!! (can't beat a bad joke).
Dwayne is more of a mate than a son in law sorting my phone: sorting my laptop: sorting my wifi to name but a few. I just wish this was your area Dwayne maybe you could have sorted out the signal strength here at (Reception location).
Dwayne as you already know, Morticia will always have the last word in any argument. Remember as Oscar Wilde said “Women are meant to be loved and not understood”
And always remember there is no challenge in a marriage that can’t be overcome by one or more of the following:
OK I was wrong
OK You were right!
Yes dear
And the most important OK love! Just buy it!!
But remember Dwayne, a man is not complete until he is married. Funny thing marriage though, did you know they carried out a survey recently to establish whether married men live longer than bachelors do? Apparently, there''s absolutely no difference it just seems longer when you''re married!
Dwayne, with Morticia you get what you see, and we are so proud to see her looking so beautiful today but in these dad’s eyes she is beautiful every day! And I shouldn’t need to tell you both that even though you are now married we will always be there for you!
Finally a bit of advice that I was given on my wedding day was!! Never go to bed in the middle of an argument. Evidently after 26/27/28 years of marriage that must have been good advice.......... well that together with I am normally too pissed at weekends to argue anyway !!!
Well, that was it! The great day is half over! One down - 1/2 to go! - Daughters, that is!
But to be serious for a moment, Morticia, I know that Mum and I would have preferred that you had your wedding on a beach in the Caribbean, but in a way we are glad you didn''t, because this has been a wonderful wedding day, and it''s not over yet! It is only right that we should toast the Bride and Groom, but we should also toast everyone here. You have come to help us celebrate this special occasion, of those we love, and who love each other. And by our presence, we show the happy couple friendship and love, and bring even greater joy to them.
So please join me in a toast to The Bride and Groom
I know that both David (his dad) and Bonehead (best man) are both really looking forward to standing here before you and making their speeches, so thank you all for listening, and I hope everyone enjoys today as much as I am.
How's that for a load of bollocks fella 

[slimwilly]

 

[DryRob]

For those of you who are playing wedding cliché bingo let me start by thanking you all for sharing this wonderful day with us...

[snapper]

thank you all for coming ! the last time I had to speak in front of this many people all I had to say was " not guilty m'lord"
 
get the bride to place her hand flat on the table ! get the groom to place his hand  covering hers
and say
 " and that my new soninlaw is the last time you will have the upper hand "
If he's quick he'll reply
 
"That's the first time as well"
 

[Hedgetrimmer]

Slimwilly, a father 
 
God help us all!
"Humour Tourettes" eh, Bill? This should be a laugh, wish I could be there! Good luck on the day (you're gonna need it  )

[HarryHornby]

You could start the speech but asking the whole room to stand up, get those with a birthday Jan to June stand with their hands apart and those with July to Dec to stand with their hands together.  Then take a photo saying you want proof you got a standing ovation at the end of your speech.

weddings are always emotional occasions, even the cake's in tiers!     my best man sadly recited this at my wedding, along with, I understand it's customary for the best man to do a few lines at an occasion such as this *big sniff, wipe of nose* and now that I've done those I feel so much better!  Half the room groaned, half the room didn't have a clue what he was on about 


I've got to do another best man speech (yes, I've been lucky to do it twice before, I must be doing something right in life), I was thinking of reusing the eulogy I did for my father the other year, but obviously I would need to change the names!


The comment about wedding cliche bingo has just given me a fab idea for my speech though, I'm going to make up bingo cards for all the tables and one for myself, all cards will have every cliche I'm going to use in my speech except there will be one extra that I don't use.  the only winning bingo ticket will be mine!  Could raise a giggle at the end, and keep people awake during the speech.  Sound like a good idea?

[DryRob]

Playing cliche bingo could ruin the speeches of everyone who follows if you don't warn them 

[caretaker]

watch "four weddings and a funeral" for some tips.

[slimwilly]

You are doing well, come on more one liners