a few monday morning funnys

[snapper]

 some old and some new !
 
 
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 An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill every time!        ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________ One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her mother'shair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said... "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"         

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  My local church has a sign outside that says "Jesus Always Forgives".So last night I went down there and nicked all the lead off the roof.Thanks Jesus. 
 
 
 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________   God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said: - And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?   
 
 
 
 
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  A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!""It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"             ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________ 

 In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"   
 
 
 
 
 
 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________    On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.""But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.   
 
 
 
 
 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________    [size=0]One day a guy went to a grocery store and the bagger boy asked him "Paperor Plastic" and the man said, "Uh...paper I guess."Then the bagger boy said your total is $56.35. The man took out his wallet and said "Real or Counterfeit".[/size]           
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________    One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

"Tennis ball?" the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"             
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________    * * * This is the equivalent of getting teenagers to wash up * * * A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"
 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________              The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party."John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?""No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone ever did?""Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea!!!" ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________     
 
 
 
 
 
 Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon   ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________     
 
 
 
 
 
 
 At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!" 
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 Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.They both decided it was time to get married.So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage."Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute."Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.""And how will you live?""I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.That should be enough."Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?""Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"       
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________          A few children's books that didn't make the cut:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________        There was a Famous Doctor, an Old Man and a Boyscout on an airplane with engine failure. Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes. The quick thinking Doctor stated "I am the smartest man here and also in the world .. so he jumped out! The Old Man said "My time has been good and the end is near go on kid". The Boyscout replied "No that is okay, the smartest man in the world was in such a hurry, he just jumped out with my backpack.  ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ _________         A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."   
 
And finally some thing to think about
 
 
  If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced.That's why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self-importance.