old - Fazer Owners Club - old
General => General => Topic started by: Billy Balthorpe on 20 March 2015, 12:38:37 am
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You know the sort of thing, Long Weight, Glass Hammer (they actually exist), Left handed screwdriver etc.
We had a young lad in the workshop once who noticed some wooden dowels on top of the big oil fired heater in the corner, he asked "What are they for", I told him they were for wood welding, he scoffed for a while until I told him that for the welding to work properly they had to be very dry, that's why they were on the heater. He was still scoffing and pointed out that wood was an insulator and wouldn't conduct electricity, I told him that when you were ready to weld you dipped them quickly into a bucket of water and struck the arc, once the arc was established the wood turned into a liquid state which would conduct the electricity being conducted down the outside through the thin film of water and therefore you could weld wood.
He walked away convinced that he'd learned something new, it was weeks before he found out.
I also sent a young apprentice to the stores for a 9 inch Whitworth combination spanner, he came back after about an hour saying that the storeman said to come back and ask if a 10 inch one would do, I sent him back to ask the storeman to order one, the storeman played along for about a week giving all sorts of excuses why the spanner hadn't arrived.
The things you do when you're bored and fancy a laugh at work!
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Any Matelots (ex-Matelots) ever fall for the Splash target cox'n or weather ballon pilot or bunk light chits?
Under all the beds(bunks) on board a ship is a little light (like you get on a caravan!)
well when a newbie joins the mess after a week or a fortnight you all get an offical looking bill saying you got to pay for your electricity.. his is always highest and you explain that the lad before mustn't have paid it before he left, no tot worry as you can get it back on appeal, also remind him to turn off his light every time he leaves the mess. which he does! you turn it back on etc etc
he might say he didn't have to pay at his previous places and you point out that theywere shore establishments and a) they are connected to the national grid where as at sea you have to generate your own electricty... b) he was a trainee there now he is classed as trained ( or part trained..)
The Cox'ns are useally good at keeping the wind up going, in the old days you had to pay by cheque but only if you had cheque guarntee card etc or when they aske d to get it reduced send them down to the stokers on the distribution panels to make sure there wasn't a leak in the supply
meanwhile another bill could come in ...
oh so many i could go on ...
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I remember years ago winding a chap up about cardboard sprockets on bikes..... LOADS lighter which means it takes less force to turn which means the bike goes faster....... oh and low profile air for tyres, we sent a chap to his garage to ask for some of that. Less wind resistance when the wheel is turning.....obviously! :lol
oh and there was the time we were on a lads trip to Blackpool and it was pretty windy outside the car, the trees were moving about quite a bit. , we were on the motorway doing 70mph The conversation was along the lines of "cor, looks windy outside, here Guy, stick your head out the window and see how windy it is......" and he did......bless....
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Sky Hooks
Tartan Paint (send them back when they get the wrong clan)
Fresh sparks for the grinder (send them back when they bring orange instead of blue )
Fallopian tubes
:D :D :D :D
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Just remembered another one.
Years ago I had a VW Beetle with a slow puncture. After being away for a week I returned home to find that it was nearly (but not quite) flat. I thought that it would be ok to drive round to the garage to fill it up with air on the way out.
The next day Mum told me that I had a flat tyre, I said I didn't and showed her the tyre, which was now fully inflated. I then told her I thought I knew what had happened and told her the following. When you leave an inflated car tyre for a while, all the air gathers at the top and it looks flat, once you start driving the air get all mixed up and it's all ok. She accepted this and I didn't get the "Hang on!" question for about 3 weeks, after she remembered what I'd said, and asked my Dad. She said he laughed for 10 minutes solid, tears, cramp, the lot. I told her it was her own fault for believing me in the first place.
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I once got someone on here to believe the whirring of the fuel pump meant his bike was about to undergo spontaneous combustion. And he believed it! :lol :lol
Old thread, see here. Still gives me chuckle.
http://foc-u.co.uk/index.php/topic,6814.msg65302.html#msg65302 (http://foc-u.co.uk/index.php/topic,6814.msg65302.html#msg65302)
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When I was at British Caledonian we used to send or get sent to the stores for things like :
Sky hooks
Spirit level bubles
tartan paint
a long wait
when some of my apprentice year did their rotation in stores, we managed to order all of the above apart from the tartan paint so whenever anyone came with a request for one, we would help them with getting their own back on the older fitters by supplying a 2ft long weight, or new spirit level bubbles etc. Sky hooks exist too. That's what shops hang their banners from.
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we would help them with getting their own back on the older fitters by supplying a 2ft long weight,
Now that's just spoiling it for the rest of us. The people we send for this stuff, or believe the stuff we say, need to be able to learn to think about what they are being sent for or told. Could it be true? Could I just nip down the stores and come back with a 9 inch Whitworth combination spanner in my pocket? I wonder how Whitworth spanners are measured.................?
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A bucket of oxygen,
2 tablets of Enditol
A foreskin retractor
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A long stand
Bucket of steam
Metric adjustable spanner
A straight hook
My favourite - a 5m cordless extension :lol
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How about the young kids with bikes going in the bike shop and asking if they could fit some powerbands to their 'peds.
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A bag of volts
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Sent the apprentice for- sky blue scarlet paint/tartan paint/bubble for spirit level/ sky hook/long weight/and the best was an open note which read "send this useless twat somewhere else untill he reads the note" he had a long walk---worrying really as we work on subs-----
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Oh and left handed spanner/screwdriver/hammer/coffee mug the list goes on---for apprentice look in dictionary next to gullible (hope i spelled that right)
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Worked in an office, asked the new girl to get lunch for the department from the local sandwich bar. One guy orders botulism on brown and a salmonella salad. Would love to have seen their reaction.
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1used to send the lacky down the chippy at lunch to get battered chicken lips and chips..
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Told a new lad at work years ago to get a 14 mm spanner, he came back 5 mins later dead serious saying he couldnt find one so got two 7 mils !!! :rolleyes
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Mate of mine had an apprentice who pointed at a watering can with H2O written on the side and asked what "whotow" was. Stills gets me. :lol
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When I was a dining room "supervisor" and a new guy was taking his merry time, i asked him to fetch some elbow grease from the chemical cupboard, when he couldn't find it he asked one of the chefs who just laughed. one of the best things I've ever done :D
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Can of omelette's
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The thing is who is the numpty ? because while the new lad is gone for half an hour basically doing nothing you are left doing all the work
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Apprentices, while wet about the ears, are a bit useless anyway.
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as bruce says life is the name of the game,
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When I was in the mob, we sent a young lad to the Medical Centre for a smear test - he went!
He also went across to one of the hangar's to get some nuts "hurled" at one point.
But recently, the one that still makes me chuckle is sending a young mechanic to another aircraft maintenance facility to get a bucket of Propwash :rollin :rollin :rollin
And then explaining to another where "Mouse Milk" comes from...........
(Its a lubricant used in aircraft maintenance!)
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" Go to the stores and get me a packet of valve clearances"
"A clutch cable for that automatic Sierra"
"We have run out of sparks for the grinder so can you go and grab me some technicolour goggles please"
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Have we had go to stores for a long stand. ..
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We once had a young, inexperienced, guy working in the IT department around the year 2000 who was convinced (by one of the other support staff) that USB was "universal serial bunny" and the new thing from Duracell.
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From my time on cruise ships........
The new "Steiners" from the beauty salon were often asked to spend some time on the bridge doing "iceberg watch" ...in the Carribean!
I still chuckle at the time I popped into the crew bar one lunchtime and some of the engineers had the ceiling tiles removed and were threading some nylon line through the gap.
In the crew bar there was a tradition of ringing the bell in the corner to signal that you wanted to buy everyone a drink, which normally only cost about $10.
There was also one crew member who always sat under the bell, always had an empty glass, and NEVER rang the bell.
So, that evening as ever, in he came, sat in his usual spot and waited. Suddenly, DING DING..... HOORAY!!!
We all ordered a beer and thanked him. 5 mins later....DING DING, him again.
This went on for about an hour before he realised the guy by the door was tugging the cord