Great/funny sayings/philosophies

[Hedgetrimmer]

I love comic sayings and philosophies, kinda collect them, so when I saw these on another forum, I  shamelessly stole them; under the title:
 
20 Top Zen Teachings
 
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, for the path is narrow. In fact, just foc off and leave me alone.
 
2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
 
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
 
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
 
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
 
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
 
7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
9. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
 
10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
 
11. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
 
12. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
 
13. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
 
14. Good judgement comes from bad experience...and most of that comes from bad judgement.
 
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
 
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
 
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
 
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our backside - then things just keep getting worse.
 
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
Have seen some good ones on here too, anybody got others?

[dickturpin]

man who walks sideways through airport terminal is going to Bangkok?

[tkwish]

Life is like a shit sandwich the more dough you got the less crap you have to take

[mr self destruct]

If you like it, do it. If you don't like it, do it, you might like it.

[Lazarus]

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! What a Ride!"

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute; set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. ”
- Oscar Wilde

Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Murphy

When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ”
- Albert Einstein

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
- Mark Twain

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
- Peter Kay

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
- Peter Kay

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Peter Kay

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.


says I may well look like I've been beaten with an ugly stick, but you look like you were gang raped by the entire forest!!

[unfazed]

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you, but tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

[rustyrider]

Married sex is like being a caged lion in a zoo.  Every so often a keeper comes along and throws you half a dead animal.  It's welcomed, pleasant enough and satisfies a need, but every so often you get the urge to go out and stalk your prey, hunt it down and take it for yourself.

[ogri48]

lol grreat stuff blokes. mark twains is one of my favourites, and very good advice in fact.
not a saying as such, but i remember reading a road test in streetfighters about a spondon special, and when the bloke was descibing the frame he said " i havnt seen a swinging arm like that since the drummer in def leppard did a drum solo".
and during a road test for bike magazine where we took the sports litre bikes to the nurburgring and i was chasing ducati 1098 riding rupert paul on the gixxer thou as he repeatedly nearly got wiped out by a german in a porsche, i wrote "i was sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop.." and they printed it.
you just cant beat innapropraite humour can ya..

[Davebo]

My personal favourite...

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Grandad, not screaming and crying like the passengers on his bus.

:-)

[Hedgetrimmer]

I'm not an alcoholic, I don't go to meetings. I'm a drunk, I go to parties.

[Mark YPVS]

First rule of tuning, get it to stop before you get it to start


learnt that the hard way 


Mark

[thunderpantz]

Live the life you love, love the life you live

and

A nods as good as a wink to a blind badger

[mr self destruct]

Lemmy came up with my favourite two:


"When you're on the way up you meet lots of people. Don't fuck 'em, 'cos you meet them on the way down as well."


And


"Do unto others as they would do unto you, but do it first."

[Exupnut]

Never trust a muslim until you've unravelled a mile of his det cord.

[DanielT]

Life is like oral sex: one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit