Just a joke

[Lazarus]

not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best 

a bit like me signature ?

[richfzs]

Had it as my signature for a long time, back in the yucky days, might still now, can't see on the tablet!

It's a (loose) quote from hunter s. Thompson

[Hedgetrimmer]

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”

Exactly why I need a KTM 1290 SD R! 

[Looney tune]

Spoke to a Chinese lady down in the village on Saturday, she says she is opening a shop that sells crows.
I said " don't you mean clothes "
She said " no, I mean crows "
I said " ok then, I'll pop in sometime for a rook "

[CRH]

bloke in front of me in chippy asked for steak and kiddley pie" and chips"....woman behind counter said?..oh you mean "steak and kidney" pie!!....bloke says?....yea"...thats what i said?....."diddleye"...

[midden]

must be in the delivery

[Looney tune]

So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....

[TonyW]

Two interesting facts about me.
    1) My erect knob is longer than two Argos pens held end to end
    2) I'm banned from every Argos in the country
 
 

[codgie]

So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....

that jokes tooo good for this section 

[slimwilly]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.[/size]One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.[/color]

[slimwilly]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[snapper]

[font=]Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.[/font][font=]
 
 4) It is inexpensive.[/font]
 
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 
 6) It is always available as needed
 
 And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
 
 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
 He got an A.

[Frosties]

Have you heard about the guy who discovered he was gay and dyslexic? He is still in Daniel.

I'll get me coat........................

[slimwilly]

A bloke just knocked on my door, he was only about 3 feet tall,,  he said " i am the metre man"

[lew600fazer]

Two crocs living by the Thames
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcas

[unfazed]

You just can not win with women

[unfazed]

The answer to all problems

[Hedgetrimmer]

The answer to all problems

@ Christo 

[ChristoT]

The answer to all problems

@ Christo 

Oh dear...

[unfazed]

Had to happen 

[slimwilly]

FUCKING arseholes IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas tooooo! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. it's all gone! Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!......­........That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates

[lew600fazer]

25 one liners from the late great Tommy Cooper.

• Whisky
  1 • I'm on a whisky diet . . . last week I lost three   days!
  
  Fortune Teller
  2 • I went to a fortune teller and she looked at my   hands. She said, 'Your future looks pretty black.' I said, 'Are you kidding?   I've still got my gloves on! 
  
  Doctor
  3 • I said to the doctor, 'It hurts when I do this'   [raises arm]. He said, 'Well, don't do it.' 
  
  Alarm clock
  4 • A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and   said, 'Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.' He said, 'An   alarm clock? Does it bother him?' She said: 'It doesn't bother him, but it   bothers me.' He said, 'Why?' She said: 'Well, every time I go to wind it up,   he bites my finger.' 
  
  Soup
  5 • I said to the chef, 'Why have you got your hand in the   alphabet soup?' He said, 'I'm groping for words!' 
  
  Doctor (2)
  6 • My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a   hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath! 
  
  Dreams
  7 • Last night I dreamt I was eating a ten pound   marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone. 
  
  Driver
  8 • A drunk was driving his car down a one-way street when a   policeman stopped him. The cop said, 'Didn't you see the arrows?' He said,   'Arrows? I didn't even see the Indians.' 
  
  Gambling
  9 • Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a   smaller house. 
  
  Music
  10 • I took saxophone lessons for six months until I   dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end? 
  
  Betting
  11 • You know what a racehorse is . . . an animal that can   take several thousand people for a ride at the same time 
  
  Jester
  12 • What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody's fool! 
  
  Kangaroo
  13 • What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs 
  
  Marriage
  14 • My wife said 'Take me in your arms and whisper   something soft and sweet'. I said, 'chocolate fudge'. 
  
  Advice
  15 • Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not   interested and the other half are glad you're getting what's coming to you. 
  
  Pork chops
  16 • I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make   them lean. He said, 'Which way?' 
  
  Marriage (2)
  17 • I said to my wife, 'I can't eat this beef stew.' She   said, 'Shut up! It's custard pie!' 
  
  Undertakers
  18 • Never trust an undertaker. He'll always let you down 
  
  Doctor (3)
  19 • I said to the doctor, 'Can you give me something for   my liver?' He gave me a pound of onions. 
  
  Sleep
  20 • I sleep like a baby . . I wake up screaming every   morning around 3am. 
  
  Put-down
  21 • There's no end to his talent – and no beginning   either. 
  
  Ballet
  22 • I was a dancer once in Swan Lake. I fell in. 
  
  Doctor (4)
  23 • I went to see my doctor and he said 'I want you to lie down   on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I want to sweep up.' 
  
  Waiter
  24 • I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought   me a chicken. 'Just a minute,' I said, 'It's only got one leg. 'It's been in   a fight.' I said, 'Well, bring me the winner.' 
  
  Cannibals
  25 • Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the   other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

[dBfazer600]

I nearly bought this http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/281215965595

Daz

[Hedgetrimmer]

A friend of mine told me the story of when he threw a stick 5 miles, and his dog brought it back. I thought it was a bit far fetched myself.....

[snapper]

The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
 She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
 In a quiet voice he said,
 "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
 ...
 The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
 
 He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."