So I've moved house to a nicer area, similar sized property but with a side and rear access road for garages at the rear of the properties in my street, the adjacent street and the street behind.
My house did have a garage orginally but it had been knocked down and replaced with a falling apart large shed and a breeze block wall that Stevie Wonder built. In the dark. Wearing sunglasses. With one hand playing the piano - you get the idea.
I get some quotes and pick one and the builder starts work, almost immediately they get a visit from the local Granny Mafia:
GM: 'Wot's going on here then, what's that going to be, have you got planning permisison for that?'
So the answers are: We are building a garage, it's going to be a garage, don't need planning permission, checked with the council, anything else love?
GM: 'I'll be back' I was tempted to put here that her eyes glowed red and she stomped off leaving dents in the ground, but it was more of a shuffle with one hand on her bloomers to keep them up.
So on the builders go and down comes the old wall and shed and up goes the new brick built garage walls.
Next visit from Granny Mafia, this time a bloke who looks like he's been dug up:
GM DUB 'Your builders have piled up dirt outside my back wall'
Me: 'OK mate lets take a look then'
He shows me a stack of dirt up against his back wall in the same access road about 20 yards further down and thus 20 yards away from the 2 skips that the builders are filling up with excavated dirt etc. When I look I can see that this dirt is dry as a bone, caked up and cracked with huge weeds growing through it, clearly having been there some years.
I point this out to him and he immediately counters with: 'I've lived here 30 years and no one has ever had anything done down here, you can't use this road anway, it's only for the bungalows)
I say: 'Well on my deeds and local search that I have read and just completed, it clearly states that the side and rear access roads serve all properties in these 3 roads for access to garages and remain unadopted and unmaintained by the Council, it also states that ownership is wholly shared by all property owners whose properties are adjacent to the access road.'
GM (Dug up bloke) 'No it doesn't'
Me: Mate I've just told you what is says on my deeds, please don't tell me it doesn't say that, I've read it.
GM DUB: No it doesn't say that, you want to read them again, you can't use this road it's just for the bungalows.
Me 'Mate, you don't even have a garage so how does this affect you? I can assure you the access road is for all the houses otherwise why would these houses next to mine have garages?'
GM DUB: 'No they don't, none of them have garages, this is just for the bunglows.'
Me: 'What?!! You can see right there, this one has a garage and that one has a garage and that one down there, that bloke uses his everyday for his motorbike'
GM DUB: 'No he doesn't, these people all can't use this road, it's for the bungalows only'
Me: 'You are really trying my patience now mate, as you're old I'm being polite but please go away now and don't keep bothering my builders as when you stop them working it's costing me money'
GM DUB: 'You can't use this access road it's not for you it's for the bungalows only'
Me: 'Enough now, just go away'
So Dug Up Bloke shuffles off still mumbling about deeds and access and bungalows, definitely very unhappy.
So then the builder tells me about another visit they had from another neighbour who berated them as 'her husband had to park in the street last night' He tells me that she said as they had dug the footings for the garage wall and left the trench to cure overnight full of concrete, this guy decides he can't drive down the access road in case he drives into the trench, never mind the trench is a few inches further in on my property than the previous leaning out wall was, so he has got more room than before!
Anyway building work carries on and the next day another Granny Mafia member turns up, this time it's an old girl who incredulously enough looks older than the previous two visitors - we must be near Il Capo dei Capi by now or they'll be using a ouji board to speak!
So GM Capo opens with, 'You can't use that garage for cars'
Me: 'Sorry love, why not?'
GM Capo: 'Well the houses on this side of the road (points to her side) own 2 meters of the access road and the houses on your side own 1 metre of the access road, so if you drive a car down here you're driving on my property'
Me: (Trying not to giggle) 'Where did you get that information from love?'
GM Capo: 'I've lived here 47 years' (I kid you not, she looked like she'd lived UNDER it for 45 of those years), 'No one has ever done anything down here' (Ah, this sounds familiar), 'Anyway it says that on my deeds'.
Me: 'On your deeds eh? So how long have you had those then? 'cos mine are new and up to date'
GM Capo: 'I've lived here 47 years and I've had my deeds all that time, this road is just for the bungalows, these houses have got no right'
Me: 'Your deeds are 47 years old and they measure the ownership share in metres? That shows some forward thinking' (This goes right over her grey haired head).
GM Capo: 'You can't use it for a garage, you can't drive down here'
Me: 'What about all the other people on this side that use their garages accessed by this road'
GM Capo: 'No they don't'
Me: 'No they don't what'
GM Capo: 'Use garages'
Me: 'Yes they do, there's several garages right in front of you'
GM Capo: 'No there isn't'
Me: 'Oh dear, I think I see where this is going, sorry love you need to go away now, we need to get building'
GM Capo: 'Well you can't use it, it's just for the bungalows'
Me: 'Bye love' turns back and goes in.
It seems that no matter where you go, how hard you try, there's always someone who wants to f**k up your little bit of happiness simply because they have nothing better to do.
