Chirstmas woe's

[Gnasher]

I though I'd share this to see how others have dealt with this situation.  As I'm certain this is common place nowadays  before I give any real advice to the mate involved and being New Years Eve things are very quite at work.   
 
This morning a good friend rings me saying he's at his "whit's end" and doesn't know what to do!
 
Little background first.  Mates been in a relationship for about 9 months they now live together and everything is good, it really is I've seen them together they're extremely happy well suited.  He now lives in her house, pays half etc etc.
 
Partner (lets call he mum) son is 20, comes home from Uni for summer and Christmas but acts like he's still there, i.e. Music day and night, not too loud but enough to be heard while watching TV, going to bed.  TV in his room to the early hours and/or mates playing Xbox same times or girlfriend (lives at Uni with) who's there every weekend (Fri evening, Mon morning during summer/ Christmas holidays goes back to her job), mates (up playing poker/Xbox downstairs/bedroom all hours or days when girlfriends not there, one in particular often stays, apparently he's very rude never says a word to him.  Son helps himself to whatever's in the house but never replaces anything or offers to get anything unless girlfriend is there.  Girlfriend is not the tidiest and showers twice a day each time emptying the hot water tank via the power shower.  All the above is done without first asking even though he's been told to, mum is then put on the spot so gives in.  Son doesn't work at all, no part time job and failed to get a placement in the summer for year 15/16 so back to Uni.  Son lives to the great extent off girlfriend (who does work) and they share a single room both claim they are paying rent so effectively pocket half the rent, online gambling or from possibly his dad.   Son plays on line poker most of the time when not with mates or girlfriend possible even when there, mate did say he told him to be careful he'd get addicted, son told him too late I am!
 
A plus they seem to pretty much cater for themselves, but son is not good with washing up etc pans etc are often just left in the sink/cooker, as is rubbish/recycling which is never taken out.   
 
After the summer mum and mate agree this can't be repeated next summer and changes need to be made at Christmas.   
 
The problem:
 
Son is picked up just before Christmas within hours all of the above starts, except the mates being there, mum having to tell son to turn down music/talking/TV each and every day as mate tells mum its too load or wrong time going to bed etc, mum isn't seeing the volume as an issue.  Son tells mum, girlfriends coming on day A to day B, just before she arrives A/B have turned into X and Y an extension of 3 days.  Son going away for dads birthday for 10 days, girlfriend going home 7 days before then back before he goes for 2/3 days.  All this is putting a huge strain on their relationship mate can see mum's struggling, getting upset and is now almost piggy in the middle but can't see son's behaviour is wrong.
 
He's dreading what's coming when son returns after holiday before he goes back to Uni and is now worried that next summer will be same what should he do.  He's almost got the a point of walking out and asking me to put him up!  Is this all ok behaviour, is the mum wrong for not sorting things, is mate over reacting, what's the way out?


I've got my views but I'd like a few more please.

[fazersharp]

Sorry but there is a lot to take in to give any advice and I don't think that I could give any anyway.

But what I will say is, your mate living in her house-possibly the house she brought with her x, your mate and his partner needs to start afresh and buy/rent a house properly between themselves, that way any feeling of "a right" to just turn up and use (dads ?) old house will be gone and you can lay down the rules as it will be YOUR house the lad is visiting and not his Mums and Dads

[Gnasher]

I don't think it's the Ex's old house but I'd have to ask him.


Thanks for the input mate. 

[noggythenog]

Sounds very much like the son controls the mum....emotionally.....maybe he gets aggresive i dunno no mention of it but i bet he lays it on thick that his parents arent both there etc etc........................i think your mate needs time alone to have a proper chat with mum and say it how it is & that he is close to leaving..........she will always probably stick by her son.


Only other option is to both move somewhere together ie a smaller place with less bedrooms that the son isnt already accustomed to.....that way it will properly be your mates house instead of just renting half of his missus's house.

[Hedgetrimmer]

Similar position to what a colleague of mine was in last I spoke to him. He'd just married his missus, but was already at the point where he told me he was thinking of walking away from it all.


Trouble is, the son's mum is never going to kick him out - you can't change that. Maybe Fazersharp's idea is the best. In my view, it's better for all round for the son to be forced to make a go of it on his own. He can still receive some support, but he's got to learn to make his own way at some point, the earlier he does it, the easier it will be.

[Gnasher]

Thanks guys.


But do you think the son is right?  Has my mate got a case ie is what the son's doing out of order?   

[Hedgetrimmer]

I think any parents have a right to lay down the rules for a son who lives with them, especially if that son isn't paying his way. Does the son have any income of his own? Is there a plan for what happens when he finishes Uni? At least the mum also agrees the situation has to change, so maybe that can built upon. They both need to introduce the son to a bit of discipline with an ultimatum spelt out in my view. But then, I've never been in that situation, so it's just an opinion.

[Gnasher]

As far as I know he has no income other than what I've stated.


Like you Hedgetrimmer I feel the same and more importantly what's going to happen when Uni stops!


 

[Hedgetrimmer]

I'd say it's time for a 3-way chat. Kept civilised and reasonable as far as possible, the son should see that he is being listened to, but shown that he must make some compromises.

[unfazed]

 I now work in social housing and come across this a lot. Few things I have noticed work.
Every time music is too loud or playing games goes wild, turn of the, MCB or pull the fuse. If mid game they lose everything on the game.
After a few times they get seriously pissed over looking like idiots in front of their friends.

Leave the house empty of food and buy only what you need for two for that day.

Change the locks and tell him to leave

Call the police every time he makes too much noise.

These I have seen work to various degrees.

However before you do any of the above, tell him the rules of the house and if he does not follow them there will be conquences.
Good luck

[chaz]

Tell your mate to either put up with it or walk away from it, he's not going to change things, without a lot of grief and I don't think it would be worth it, he would end up the "bad guy"

[sadlonelygit]

Ok, swmbo son lives with us ( under duress ) and although not too noisy he does plunder the fridge as and when, used the internet for youtube and ran up a huge bill, works 1 week a month, so understand where your mate is coming from.
Unfortunately your mate had to man up. Change the internet password, dont do the washing up. Treat him just like he treats his family. Pretty soon the message will get through and the boy will either shape up or ship out. (My money is on the latter)

[joebloggs]

I think your mate needs to give him a good slap.

On serious note, I lived with a woman with two late teen children, the lad was fine but her daughter would try to push the boundries daily, on one ocasion my ex had gone to visit her other daughter, we'd all sat down and discussed whom was to do what chores to try to live in some form of harmony while the ex was away. I took the cooking duties, the lad general cleaning, daughter the washing up. First night I cooked spag bol, son tidied up, daughter refused to wash. Next morning she sat taunting me, stating she didn't have to do anything and that as far as she was concerned the pots could stay there all week. At this point I emptied the large saucepan, that I'd cooked the dinner in, straight over her head, it wasn't a pretty sight with cold spagetti, sauce and the odd bit of mince spread pretty evenly all over her, but she got the message.

Never seen anyone quite so keen on washing up after that.

There has to be rules and your friend must have the right to enforce them
 

[Hedgetrimmer]

I think your mate needs to give him a good slap.

On serious note, I lived with a woman with two late teen children, the lad was fine but her daughter would try to push the boundries daily, on one ocasion my ex had gone to visit her other daughter, we'd all sat down and discussed whom was to do what chores to try to live in some form of harmony while the ex was away. I took the cooking duties, the lad general cleaning, daughter the washing up. First night I cooked spag bol, son tidied up, daughter refused to wash. Next morning she sat taunting me, stating she didn't have to do anything and that as far as she was concerned the pots could stay there all week. At this point I emptied the large saucepan, that I'd cooked the dinner in, straight over her head, it wasn't a pretty sight with cold spagetti, sauce and the odd bit of mince spread pretty evenly all over her, but she got the message.

Never seen anyone quite so keen on washing up after that.

There has to be rules and your friend must have the right to enforce them

The classic bolognese solution, brilliant! 

[Gnasher]

Thanks thus far fella's your all pretty much along my line of thought.  The direct confrontation (shape up or ship out, turn things off etc) approach is I suppose the default man answer.


What I'm picking up from him, is mum don't see it as a much of a problem and I've not mentioned that mum is some what worried he'll bugger off to dads, that well mean both her lads are there.  Think this is taken as a sign of who they support being dad left mum for another, the other is with the dad, kinda rubbing her nose in it if you see what I mean.


I feel she could be over compensating to ensure that don't happen. 

[Gnasher]

I think your mate needs to give him a good slap.

On serious note, I lived with a woman with two late teen children, the lad was fine but her daughter would try to push the boundries daily, on one ocasion my ex had gone to visit her other daughter, we'd all sat down and discussed whom was to do what chores to try to live in some form of harmony while the ex was away. I took the cooking duties, the lad general cleaning, daughter the washing up. First night I cooked spag bol, son tidied up, daughter refused to wash. Next morning she sat taunting me, stating she didn't have to do anything and that as far as she was concerned the pots could stay there all week. At this point I emptied the large saucepan, that I'd cooked the dinner in, straight over her head, it wasn't a pretty sight with cold spagetti, sauce and the odd bit of mince spread pretty evenly all over her, but she got the message.

Never seen anyone quite so keen on washing up after that.

There has to be rules and your friend must have the right to enforce them

 

[celticdog]

Difficult this one. I work with students so I can sympathise, a lot of them are selfish little sh1ts! From what I've read I think he's taking the piss and he knows it. But blood is thicker than water so mum will naturally side with the son. However, Your M8 is paying half the bills so he's entitled to have his say. I think they all need to try to agree some guidelines together, e.g. Girlfriend or mates not both, music of at a mutually agreed time. Splitting the chores up around the people in the house. If I can offer some hope it's the fact that there's a huge difference between freshers and final year students, majority of kids after the full University experience mature into well rounded adults. If only your M8 can hang in there.

[mtread]

3 way conversation - 3 different viewpoints
Your mate - I've been living with this woman for 9 months, everything is fine, why does her son come home and spoil it?
Son - I blame my parents for breaking up, who is this man who lives in my mum's house telling me what to do?
Mum - I feel guilty about everything.......
Talk, talk, talk. Compromise, compromise, compromise

[joebloggs]

3 way conversation - 3 different viewpoints
Your mate - I've been living with this woman for 9 months, everything is fine, why does her son come home and spoil it?
Son - I blame my parents for breaking up, who is this man who lives in my mum's house telling me what to do?
Mum - I feel guilty about everything.......
Talk, talk, talk. Compromise, compromise, compromise

Slap the son, dump the Mrs and run off with the sons girlfriend.....Simples

[mtread]

    

[fatbloke62]

years ago I was in a similar situation what ever I did or say I was always the outsider , I tried my best for a long time both time and money till I realised things would always be like this and to save a lifetime of crap I walked for my own sanity

[Gnasher]

If I can offer some hope it's the fact that there's a huge difference between freshers and final year students, majority of kids after the full University experience mature into well rounded adults. If only your M8 can hang in there.

He is in his last year mate!

He should have been on placement this year and then last year back at Uni but he didn't get a job, so he's now doing that last year.  From what he's told me he didn't really try to get a job/placement he left things until he'd left for the summer break, of course that was way too late and he's not exactly straight "A's" either.  He spent the whole summer pretty much doing was I stated above by all accounts, everything comes to him, mates, girlfriend etc he's not had any reason to go and get any kind of work.  Which is why he'd agreed things had to change to stop that and make him need money etc, trouble is I think mum is finding it hard to stand up to son and if he does it will cause even more issues.

This is a bloody nightmare I feel for him as he's a nice bloke.

[celticdog]

Oh Dear    . . . I think he needs the man 2 man talk down the pub. If that fails there's always the threat of physical violence,    just make sure your M8 denies all knowledge of any such conversation taking place.    I.e. make sure there are no witnesses.