I'm Irish I can get away with it.

[lew600fazer]

Paddy decides to do a bit of DIY. He starts painting the lounge. He is sweating buckets, his wife brings him a cup of tea. Paddy why are you wearing two coats. Don't be so fecken stupid read what it says on the tin.

For best results use two coats.

[joebloggs]

Two Irish menwalk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat''s dem!" The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we''ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag."
 The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop. They get into Gerry''s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
 "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
 "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ''SPLAT''. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "dis budgie jumpin'' is too dangerous for me!"
 A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop. He walks up, carrying the familiar peeper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
 "Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot''s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry''s remains at the bottom.
 Paddy shakes his head and says, "An'' oim never troyin'' dat parrotshooting nider!"
 A few minutes after Seamus splats himself, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ''peeper bag''. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "First der was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you, hen gliding!"

[locksmith]

Joke I saw yesterday


I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.[/size]I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted.

[Oldgit]

English tourist in America, goes into a bar when he's in Nevada and having a drink spots an old Indian sitting in the corner.
tourists asks the barkeeper what's with the old Indian.
the barkeep replies "oh he's the memory Indian, just ask him anything and he will give you the correct answer.
So the tourist thinks I'll ask him about English Football, he won't know anything about that, he then asks him "who won the 1965 FA cup.
the Indian replies "Liverpool
the tourist asks who were they playing.
Indian replies "Leeds
Tourist asks what was the score.
Indian replies "2-1
Tourist "Who scored the winner
Indian replies "Ian St John
the tourists says that's amazing, he then leaves to continue his holiday.
Back home he tells everyone about this fantastic Indian.
so 9 years later he is back again on holiday in America and gets to Nevada and finds the same bar, goes in and sure as fate there is the old Indian sitting in the same place but looking much more wrinkly and old, so he decides to try to talk to him in his own language, the tourist approaches the old Indian and says "How"
The Indian replies "Diving header in the 6 yard box"
 

[lew600fazer]

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!

There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation............... She never got your email!"

[mtread]

Paddy says to Seamus 'If only I could remember the name of that film that there Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom were in'. 'Troy' replies Seamus. 'I am fecking troying!' shouts Paddy.

[lew600fazer]

A Small Pie

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.
 When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'
 'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'
 'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'

[sinto]

Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

[sinto]

There now follows a list of inventions. They were the brainchild of the Kerry man who was history's unluckiest producer of lemonade. Over the years he came up with 4-up, 5-up, 6-up and then stopped! And if that isn't bad enough, look at other things he produced:

An inflatable dartboard

A chocolate kettle

A soluble life-raft

A self-righting aspirin

A solar-powered torch

[lew600fazer]

Last night my wife says to me do you fancy changing positions?
''Yeah'' I says
Okay she said, you do the dishes,










and I will sit on the couch and fart 

[Hedgetrimmer]

Seasonal:


What did the boy with no hands get for Xmas?
















Gloves!


Just kidding, I don't know what he got, he hasn't opened any of his presents yet.

[bri h]

Paddy says why do divers always roll backwards out of the boat.  Well says mick if they rolled forward they would still be in the foccin boat.

[ChristoT]

What's black and blue and floats in the Irish sea?








An Englishman who told too many Irish jokes on the ferry!

[celticdog]

Paddy's wife hasn't had an orgasm for the 15 years they've been married. The doctor suggests she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help. Being a bit tight, he decides not to by a fan, but asks his friend to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places. 'I'll have a try Paddy, you waft the towel' Paddy agrees, and after five minutes Paddy's wife is shuddering, moaning and writhing in sexual ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy turns to his mate smugly and says 'And that me ol' son is how you waft a bloody towel'!

[Exupnut]

Q. What is a 6.9 ?
A. A great thing to do ruined by a period.