Just a joke

[Hedgetrimmer]

Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone from the oldest man on record.
He was 193, and his name was Miles from Dublin....

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine today. They are both in hospital - one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tikka....

[Hedgetrimmer]

He was in ecstasy.
A smile on his face as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.
Forwards then backwards.

Back and forth, back and forth.
In and out, in and out.



Her heart was pounding faster, her face grew flushed.




She grunted, moaned, rolled her eyes, then finally let out an almighty scream.......













"I can't park this f*****g car! You do it, you smug b*****d!"

[Lawrence]

Some good ones there 


I was walking to work when an old guy summoned me over to a garden.

“Pssstt,” he said. “Hey, boy, you see that rabbit hutch over there? If you go over and pull open the door, there’s a million pounds in there for you.”

 “Just pull open the door?” I said in disbelief.

 He replied, “Yes.”

I said, “There must be some sort of catch…”

[Hedgetrimmer]

"I lost my job today" I told my friend. "I was downloading porn on the work computer and caused everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he said.
"They don't f**k about at Air Traffic Control" I replied.

[dazza]

So.....A helicopter goes into a bar 

[Hedgetrimmer]

Glasgow police arrested a drunk who had climbed on to the roof of a pub intending to paint the words "Happy St. Andrews Day" in six foot letters. Fortunately, he only got as far as "H" 

[Looney tune]

My girlfriend has been at me for ages to knock a wall down to make the dinning room bigger. Now she's not happy with her dinning / toilet room !!


I used to play in a band called the broken satnavs, we didn't get far !!

[Hedgetrimmer]

That's a coincidence. I was in a band called the 999 megabytes. We were quite good, but we never made a gig.

[clayt74]

That's a coincidence. I was in a band called the 999 megabytes. We were quite good, but we never made a gig.

Hehe that touched my inner geek!

[Dead Eye]

*1023 megabytes

[Hedgetrimmer]

*1023 megabytes

 

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish 

[NorthWestern]

I thought I would make my racing snail lighter and handle better by removing its heavy shell. 




If anything it was more sluggish.


badabuoom tshhh


I.m here all week, try the veal etc

[lew600fazer]

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya,  sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his  tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.  'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my  Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure.  It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see  him?'
 Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the  Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying  directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?'

[lew600fazer]

*1023 megabytes

 

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish 

 

[unfazed]

A motorcyclist is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."   The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."   Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
 "Ten years!" he says.
 She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
 He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
 Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
 He replies, "Ten years!"
 She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
 He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
 Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
 And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a Fazer 600 in there!"

[BBROWN1664]

So mourners gathering outside Nelson Mandela house. Thousands of people singing and partying. Delboy and Rodney are not happy.

[Hedgetrimmer]

*1023 megabytes

 

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish 

 

Erm....that's not actually a joke Lew......

[lew600fazer]

So mourners gathering outside Nelson Mandela house. Thousands of people singing and partying. Delboy and Rodney are not happy.

Even the great man himself would have laughed at that, David Jason I mean.

[lew600fazer]

*1023 megabytes

 

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish 

 

Erm....that's not actually a joke Lew......

I know but thought you needed a bit of backup 

[Hedgetrimmer]

In the pub the other night, there was this big, fat bird at the bar.
So I walked over to her and said, "you're a big lass aren't you?"

"Tell me something I don't know" she said, with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."

[Hedgetrimmer]

I saw some dyslexic Africans yesterday. They were placing flowers at the doors of Nissan maindealers.

[slimwilly]

My missus is doing an experiment .... She's wearing a Burka for a week to get people's reactions.

So far she's been kicked, punched and spat at.... fcuk knows whats going to happen when she leaves the house

[Dead Eye]

"Nelson Mandela dies at 95" - respect where it's due...that's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker.

[caretaker]

a new zoo keeper starts work and is told to feed the birds but not to mix the feeds up as this could prove fatal. unfortunately, he gives parrot food to the rare south african finch and it dies. zookeeper panics, picks up the dead finch and throws it in to the lion cage to dispose of the evidence. next day, he is given the job of cleaning out the chimp enclosure. when his back was turned, some chimps nick his bottle of bleach and drink it between them, then promptly drop dead due to chemical poisoning. again the zookeeper throws them into the lion cage. next day he is given the task of gathering honey from the beehives but he doesnt put his suit on properly, gets stung and starts swiping at the bees buzzing around him. he swats them with his hand to stun them then stamps on them as they hit the floor, ending up with a pile of squashed bees. he sweeps them up and as usual, chucks them in the lion cage.  the following day a new lion is brought in as a mate to the old lion. the new lion walks up to the old feller and says "hello mate, i'm the new lion. whats the food like in here?" the old lion replies, "it's not bad. these last few days i've had finch, chimps and mushy bees."

[lew600fazer]

First Christmas Joke                     

Three men died on Christmas Eve and                     were met by Saint Peter at the pearly                     gates.
'In                     honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each                     possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into                     heaven.'
The                     Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a                     lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he                     said.
'You                     may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter                     said.
The                     Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of                     keys. He shook them and said, 'They're                     bells.'
Saint                     Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly                     gates'.
The                     Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets                     and finally pulled out a pair of women's                     panties.
St.                     Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,                     'And just what do those                     symbolize?'
The                     paddy replied, 'These are                     Carols.'
And                     So The Christmas                   Season
Begins......