Author Topic: Just a joke (Read 67692 times)

Skippernick · « **Reply #125 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:17:48 pm »

Quote from: Dead Eye on 16 October 2013, 08:15:12 pm

I don't get it :|

"STOP any time i like" he's drinking brake fluid

red98 · « **Reply #126 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:18:51 pm »

give him time....hes dreaming about the new thou

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #127 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:19:33 pm »

Quote from: Skippernick on 16 October 2013, 08:17:48 pm

Quote from: Dead Eye on 16 October 2013, 08:15:12 pm
I don't get it :|

"STOP any time i like" he's drinking brake fluid

fer chrissakes.......

Dead Eye · « **Reply #128 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:22:44 pm »

Ah ok, I completely missed that punch line - thought the "fer chrissakes" was it and got confused... picking up the thou tomorrow ^^ Exciting times ^^

red98 · « **Reply #129 on:** 16 October 2013, 08:24:28 pm »

pictures tomorrow night....

Andy FZS · « **Reply #130 on:** 16 October 2013, 09:33:17 pm »

Pictures at the ceremonial hand over and then some more after you've had some fun.

Exupnut · « **Reply #131 on:** 16 October 2013, 09:39:57 pm »

But none of ur knickers after u experience the raw POWER and shit urself lol and watch out fer those double apex. Gauranteed to fill ur frilly's on a litre.

Dead Eye · « **Reply #132 on:** 16 October 2013, 09:45:11 pm »

Just so that I don't hijack yet another thread;

An old lady asked me to help her across the road with her bag.

"What's in it for me?" I asked.

"My beautiful daughter," she winked.

"Really?" I replied. "She must be fucking tiny."

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #133 on:** 16 October 2013, 10:08:55 pm »

A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.

I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.

So I stabbed his wife.

CRH · « **Reply #134 on:** 16 October 2013, 10:29:19 pm »

Quote from: nick crisp on 16 October 2013, 10:08:55 pm

A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.

I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.

So I stabbed his wife.

....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something?

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #135 on:** 16 October 2013, 10:40:44 pm »

Quote from: CRH on 16 October 2013, 10:29:19 pm

Quote from: nick crisp on 16 October 2013, 10:08:55 pm
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.

I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.

So I stabbed his wife.
....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something?

Robbie8666 · « **Reply #136 on:** 17 October 2013, 08:20:47 am »

Quote from: mr self destruct on 15 October 2013, 08:17:50 pm

Some corkers here, but 113 posts in and no-ones mentioned this peach?

It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!"

Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David."

Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew."

Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"

Love this one as my nephew was born on pancake day and so thats what he is known as within the family! lol

CRH · « **Reply #137 on:** 17 October 2013, 10:27:10 pm »

two irish sea scouts died today?....there tent sunk

CRH · « **Reply #138 on:** 17 October 2013, 10:38:25 pm »

did you hear about the irishman who thought ..bacteria"..was the rear entrance to a cafe"...and the irish cat that had a shit and buried itself!!

slimwilly · « **Reply #139 on:** 23 October 2013, 06:28:12 pm »

A Manc and a Scouser go into Greggs.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies, puts them in his pocket then boasts to the Manc : "did you see that? The staff never saw me".
The Manc says "That's fuck all watch this". So the Manc says to the manager, Give me a pie and I'll show you some magic. Eats the pie in front of him and does the same thing 3 times.
Pissed off, the manager says Where's the magic ? The Manc replies go and check that scouser's pocket !!

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #140 on:** 27 October 2013, 09:18:48 pm »

A woman took her very limp pet duck to a vet and asked if he could examine it.
He placed the duck on the examination table and placed his stethoscope to the ducks chest.
I'm afraid your duck is dead, he told her.
Dead? Are you sure? I mean, it's not in just in a coma or something? You haven't carried out any tests or anything!
The vet leaves the room and comes back a short while later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the woman looks on worried, the dog places it's paws on the examination table, sniffs the duck from head to foot, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes it's head.
Then the vet takes the dog out of the room, and comes back with a cat, which he puts on the table. The cat also sniffs the duck from head to foot, looks up at the vet, meows softly and shakes its head. Then the vet takes the cat out of the room.
He then comes back in, sits at his desk and prints out the bill for the woman.
She takes it and says, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!
The vet says, well, it would have been 20 quid, but then there's the Lab report and the cat scan to pay for.......

lew600fazer · « **Reply #141 on:** 27 October 2013, 11:54:31 pm »

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes".
"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"
Don't blame me blame the Scotsman

unfazed · « **Reply #142 on:** 28 October 2013, 10:10:44 pm »

One of Shobbas best

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #143 on:** 29 October 2013, 11:58:05 pm »

The fattest knight at King Arthur's court was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. The police are looking for a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Definition of a will: a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #144 on:** 31 October 2013, 10:35:12 pm »

Why old fellas don't get hired

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Old fella: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.

Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.

unfazed · « **Reply #145 on:** 31 October 2013, 11:19:34 pm »

The nurse in A&E asked me if I could remember what happened,
All I could remember was being in a lift and this big busty lady got on.
I was staring at her breasts when she says "Press 1"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that

CRH · « **Reply #146 on:** 14 November 2013, 04:36:12 pm »

two piles of sick talking to each other in a pub car park?....one says"...looks familiar round here?..other one say,s why ?....ist one say,s...think i was bought up around here

.....

CRH · « **Reply #147 on:** 14 November 2013, 05:06:36 pm »

knock on door halloween night"....little lad standing there?....hey up i said?..and who are you dressed up has?....little lad says?....irat...i said what was that?...he says irat"....oh you mean ...pirate??...he says yes irat"...you look a real good irat" too i say,s?...now where are your bucceneers"?....the little lad replies?....AT THE SIDE OF ME FKIN HEAD"...where did you think they was?? $:\$

lew600fazer · « **Reply #148 on:** 14 November 2013, 11:35:47 pm »

Quote from: nick crisp on 31 October 2013, 10:35:12 pm

Why old fellas don't get hired

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Old fella: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.

Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.

lew600fazer · « **Reply #149 on:** 14 November 2013, 11:46:38 pm »

not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best