Date: 05-04-20  Time: 05:49 AM

Author Topic: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything  (Read 25525 times)

coffee

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #300 on: 29 December 2019, 11:25:08 PM »
As it's the season, Tampax have decided to replace the cotton string with tinsel....... But it's only for the Christmas period  :o












Foccin' brilliant  :lol :lol :lol
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

coffee

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #301 on: 29 December 2019, 11:30:32 PM »


Please be advised that all personnel planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undertake a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from SATCO before station fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The Angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.








Tell you what,you deserve the Foccers distinction of merit for that lot. :woot :woot
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

Grahamm

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #302 on: 30 December 2019, 01:12:35 PM »
Tell you what,you deserve the Foccers distinction of merit for that lot. :woot :woot

I just quoted it from somewhere else :)

Grahamm

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #303 on: 30 December 2019, 01:13:36 PM »
I just ordered a chicken and an egg off amazon

I’ll let you know

fazerscotty

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #304 on: 30 December 2019, 02:06:17 PM »
My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”



 :rollin :rollin :rollin :rollin

coffee

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #305 on: 31 December 2019, 07:28:53 PM »
A tortoise is walking down the road and gets mugged by two snails,when the law arrives they say "what happened?"  "don't know,it all happened so fast"
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

Dynspud

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #306 on: 26 March 2020, 11:26:41 AM »
A guy is being interviewed about stuff relating to the current coronavirus outbreak, and the topic turns to self-isolation.
The interviewer asks "OK. You need to self-isolate for 14 days. Do you, A, self-isolate with your wife and 2 kids.." and the guy says "B"  :lol
Take a deep breath, coz it all starts now, when you pull the foccin' pin

Grahamm

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Re: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything
« Reply #307 on: 30 March 2020, 07:20:35 PM »
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,

'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.