Made me laugh

[lew600fazer]

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his Reception Class teacher was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone!"
 
One day, Tyrone's mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.
   
The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school, moved out of London and relocated to Birmingham.
 
Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Britain who could perform the operation and he was located at the Birmingham Clinic. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation which, was successful.
 
When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him  something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked; wondering what could possibly have gone  wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw our friend Tyrone, a cleaner in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

 


 ........ if you thought for one moment that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Jeremy Corbyn and he believes in fairies as well !!

[BBROWN1664]

[tommyardin]

A mate of mine (Wildplum) told me a story that he said was true about a boy in his class at school many many years ago.


The boy (Leroy) was from traveller/gypsy stock (Now I am not having a pop at anyone here. One of the kindest most generous blokes i ever met is a 'Traveller' His term not mine)


Back to the story:


Anyway none of the school kids wanted to sit next to Leroy in class because he and soap were not acquainted, this went on for weeks and the teacher found it difficult leaning over Leroy when helping him in class.
The school drafted a letter and sent to Mr & Mrs Grimes (Grimes is a made up name) about the hygiene of Leroy explaining that because of this problem Leroy was starting to be verbally bullied by the other children and even some of the staff were ostracising him because of his poor hygiene.


Mr Grimes wrote back saying ' Leroy is no rose, don't smell him, learn him' 
         

[mtread]

Another school story copied from elsewhere. Amend football teams as appropriate 


A Primary Teacher in Swansea explains to her class that she is a Swansea fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Swansea fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Swansea fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Swansea fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Cardiff City fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cardiff City fan?' 'Because my mum is a Cardiff City fan, and my dad is a Cardiff City fan, so I'm a Cardiff City fan too!''Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Cardiff City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Swansea fan.'

[unfazed]

 

[tommyardin]

Another school story copied from elsewhere. Amend football teams as appropriate 


A Primary Teacher in Swansea explains to her class that she is a Swansea fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Swansea fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?' 'Because I'm not a Swansea fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Swansea fan, then who are you a fan of?' 'I am a Cardiff City fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Cardiff City fan?' 'Because my mum is a Cardiff City fan, and my dad is a Cardiff City fan, so I'm a Cardiff City fan too!''Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Cardiff City fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Swansea fan.'

A science teacher addresses his class and says today children we are going to look at Natural Science, in particular the whale. Now children, most people think that a whale is a fish but it certainly is not, it is a mammal.


The whale is a filter feeder and it can eat nothing larger than a mans thumb, at this point little Jenny shoves her hand up in the air and says in aloud voice 'Please sir' the teacher replies yes 'Jenny what is it' 'Well my Sunday School teacher told me that Jonah was swallowed by a whale' The teacher said that is is an impossibility that a whale could swallow a person and that it was just a child's story.


Jenny quite sadly said 'but my Mum and Daddy also said that about Jonah so it must be true'. the teacher said in a condescending way again 'Jenny they are just children's stories, they are not true'


Jenny now quite upset that the teacher appeared to be ridiculing her in front of the class said 'I read in the Bible about Jonah, it tells the whole story' The teacher replied 'Bible stories are not true they are just myths and very old fashioned and that no one believes stories like that anymore' Jenny now in tears said 'When I go to Heaven I will ask Jonah' The teacher smugly 'replied what if Jonah went to Hell' Jenny quickly replied 'Then you ask him'   

[tommyardin]

Here is a little puzzle for you guys.

Three mates are walking through the local town one sunny Saturday morning, one of the guys said 'I wonder how England are doing in the test match' another replied I don't know but I wish I did I hope we are doing OK. The third guy said look here in this shop window they have a radio on offer for £15-00 reduced from £20-00, why don't each of us chip in a fiver each buy the radio? Then we can buy a few beers and go and sit under the big oak on the town recreation ground and listen to the match.

So in the electrical shop they go the assistant serves them, they pay £5 each and head off with the radio.

In the mean time the shop manager comes back into the shop front and the assistant says I just sold the radio we had on offer for £15-00, the manager replied Oh! no I have just heard from Head Office that it should have been reduced further by another £5-00, down to a £10-00, quick grab £5-00 out of the till and run down the road and see if you can catch then up and repay them the fiver, at this the assistant grabs 5 X £1 coins out of the till and runs down the road just in time to see that three guys coming out of the off licence, as he is rushing up to them he thinks to himself I could make a couple of quid here for myself and shoves 2 £1 coins in his pocket.
He rushes up to the guys and say you were overcharged for the radio it was further reduce so I have to give you £1 each back.
Now the guys are pleased cheap radio, the assistant is pleased he had made £2-00 so you would think everything is just dandy.

HANG ABOUT!
Instead of paying £5 each they paid £4 each because they had £1 back each.
Now 3 X £4 = £12 + the £2 the assistant put in his own pocket that makes £14-00, where the foc is has other £1-00 gone?   

[tommyardin]

A Scotsman walks into a dentist practice and enquires about the cost of having a tooth extracted, the dentist replies ‘that will be £210’, the Scotsman sucks in air rapidly and says ‘my my that’s far to much, how much would it cost if a junior dentist were to pull the tooth?’


The dentist replied ‘that would be £160’ the Scotsman said ‘now that’s a lot better, but, it’s still too much money how about if the apprentice did the work’, the dentist replied that it was not the usual practice for the apprentice to do extractions, but the Scot said oh that’s ok I don’t mind at all, so the dentist agreed and said that the cost would now be £95,

Yes that more like it said the Scot, now how much would it be if you were to pull the tooth without any anaesthetic. To this the dentist replied that would be incredibly painful, Auch! Said the Scot ‘the pain is no a worry how much?’ The dentist said well if the if the apprentice did the extraction with no anaesthetic the cost would be £55-00, that great said the Scotsman can you book the wife in for tomorrow morning.

[tommyardin]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
 
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
 this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
 least 5 pounds'
 
 When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
 
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
 
 The Irishman nodded... 'I'll tell you though I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
 
'From hunger, you mean?'
 
'No, from all dat flaming skippin', the Irishman said.

I am allowed to tell that joke cos I am 3/4 Paddy myself.

[tommyardin]

Always give clear instructions
About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight .
I was in a hurry and needed to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized Pergeot 405 estate, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out
 to her that because the VW had automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hoped into
the estate and drove off. I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and then I saw her in the rear view mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, it was then that I realised,
I should have been a bit clearer with my instructions! 

[slappy]

I am allowed to tell that joke cos I am 3/4 Paddy myself.

I am 1/4 Irish, I will swop it for your odd 1/4.

[tommyardin]

It's a deal I will take it.
Woo Hoo! I a full genuine Irishman. I feel complete and full-filled 

[tommyardin]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem. While they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker said you can have her body shipped home for £5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it for a minute and said that he wanted her body shipped home to England.
The Undertaker asked why he would do that and spend £5,000 to have her shipped home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only £150.
The man replied ‘About 2,000 years a man died here , and was buried and on the third day rose again from the dead. I just can not take that chance. 

[tommyardin]

Time to stop.
My beloved wants some attention, I have been meaning to check the tyre pressures all day 

[tommyardin]

Back again my daughter just told me a quick one.
She said she had heard about a new entrepreneur who had invented exploding prayer mats, and that the prophets were going through the roof.

[tommyardin]

Food for thought:
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The small pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The students laughed.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.


Now, said the professor, I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.
The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out for a meal or go dancing together.
There will always be time to go to work, to clean the house, to give a dinner party or fix the broken door.
Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.

 
But then...
A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is:
No matter how full your life is, there is always room a pint.

[slappy]

It's a deal I will take it.
Woo Hoo! I a full genuine Irishman. I feel complete and full-filled

Hang on a minute, I just realised I don't know what your odd 1/4 is, I will accept anything other than Welsh or French, my great great grandmother on my mothers side was French so already got a little bit of that and as for a bit of Welsh 

[pilninggas]

I am allowed to tell that joke cos I am 3/4 Paddy myself.

I am 1/4 Irish, I will swop it for your odd 1/4.

I'm 1/3 irish.

[tommyardin]

There is a lot of us muggle bloods about.

[tommyardin]

It's a deal I will take it.
Woo Hoo! I a full genuine Irishman. I feel complete and full-filled

Hang on a minute, I just realised I don't know what your odd 1/4 is, I will accept anything other than Welsh or French, my great great grandmother on my mothers side was French so already got a little bit of that and as for a bit of Welsh 

25% Londoner. Whats wrong with the Welsh?


I was at a party once and a couple of guys were chatting and one said he was thinking about moving house and going to Cardiff, they other guys said I would never move to Wales the place is full of rugby players and scrubbers, the first bloke steady on mate my wife is Welsh, the second bloke said really what position does she play.


Sorry to any Welsh guys in here, at least there were no sheep involved in the joke 

[Skippernick]

Lots of Irish on here, well you just lost,    well played Scotland.
I am a happy England fan but it was ugly , no doubting that.

[Dudeofrude]

I'm half Scottish (Greenock) and half londoner (Barnet) born in Essex (Southend) but brought up in Spain (Alicante).
Think my bloods the equivalent of an alcho-pop haha

[lew600fazer]

How about this for a mix. Born in N Ireland my father was 1/2 Scottish, My son was born in England , his mum is 1/2 Irish, Her Dad 100% English, So he is English Irish. His wife is Albanian but nautralised French. So my Grand daughter is
French as she was born there right or is she


Scottish , Irish, English Albainian  French? Tell you one thing though she is absolutely Gorgeous beautiful long black hair and brown eyes she will break a few hearts when she grows up, she is only 3 and has me wrapped around her little finger.
Oh she does have an Irish temper though lol.

[unfazed]

A true thoroughbred mongrel 

[celticdog]

I like rugby but my lineage isn't worth a toss, I crawled out of the 2nd worst housing estate in Glasgow, the wife comes from the 1st. Short, fat, drunken and ginger, I've got the whole lot- I'm the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.