Author Topic: Just a joke (Read 67075 times)

lew600fazer · « **Reply #75 on:** 03 September 2013, 11:39:13 pm »

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Florida, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman

lew600fazer · « **Reply #76 on:** 04 September 2013, 01:49:56 pm »

A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”
Got me coat.

lew600fazer · « **Reply #77 on:** 04 September 2013, 04:22:27 pm »

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’
Can I come back in yet? getting cold out here

red98 · « **Reply #78 on:** 04 September 2013, 04:39:40 pm »

Quote from: nick crisp on 26 August 2013, 04:47:11 pm

Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

showing your age there nick........frank muir +dennis norden,you must be nearly as old as me

bigbluebear · « **Reply #79 on:** 04 September 2013, 07:14:24 pm »

I went into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms, she said they didn't have any try Boots.....I said I wanted to shag fuck out her not kick fuck out her

erix2 · « **Reply #80 on:** 05 September 2013, 09:26:02 pm »

A British man has been thrown out of Pakistan for testing positive for 4 banned substances.....
Toothpaste, Deodorant, Soap and Shampoo.....

Eric

slimwilly · « **Reply #81 on:** 06 September 2013, 07:03:43 am »

I woke up in hospital after a bad accident with a gorgeous nurse standing over me, she said "you may not feel anything from the waist down" i said " can i touch your tits then ?"

simonm · « **Reply #82 on:** 06 September 2013, 08:42:57 am »

from http://poorlydrawnlines.com

lew600fazer · « **Reply #83 on:** 06 September 2013, 08:48:51 am »

Quote from: simonm on 06 September 2013, 08:42:57 am

from http://poorlydrawnlines.com

lew600fazer · « **Reply #84 on:** 06 September 2013, 08:55:19 am »

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches

nsr500v4 · « **Reply #85 on:** 06 September 2013, 10:29:50 am »

I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees but the washing machine kept falling over!

Sorry!

nsr500v4 · « **Reply #86 on:** 06 September 2013, 10:33:00 am »

A man in Glasgow was caught after trying to rob a bank using underwear to mask his face.

He was immediately arrested following a quick debriefing.

Enceladus · « **Reply #87 on:** 06 September 2013, 10:42:50 am »

Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which
he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic
Chicken with corrifrowa?"

lew600fazer · « **Reply #88 on:** 06 September 2013, 01:15:07 pm »

Quote from: Enceladus on 06 September 2013, 10:42:50 am

Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which
he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her..

"You want... Garlic
Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Buzz · « **Reply #89 on:** 06 September 2013, 01:32:14 pm »

- A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

- This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention. The driver got out and he was a dwarf. He said, "I'm not happy.", I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

caretaker · « **Reply #90 on:** 06 September 2013, 05:22:14 pm »

dyslexic walks into a bra...

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #91 on:** 06 September 2013, 06:33:02 pm »

I went to the doctor's, he said to me, I haven't seen you in a long while
I said, I know, I've been ill..

And he said to me, you're very ill. I said, I want a second opinion
He said, ok, you're ugly as well...

Classic Tommy Cooper actually, red98

Hedgetrimmer · « **Reply #92 on:** 06 September 2013, 06:50:23 pm »

I was shocked today when I got home from work and the wife told me my 5 year old son isn't really mine.
She said I've got to pay more attention when I pick him up from school...

And I met a crying Worzel Gummidge today, and he was moaning about why couldn't he shorten his name to something cooler.
I said, you shouldn't worry, it could be Worz...

Surrender, or there'll be more...

lew600fazer · « **Reply #93 on:** 07 September 2013, 09:04:31 am »

Precious Picture
Nick sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Nick shockingly. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

caretaker · « **Reply #94 on:** 07 September 2013, 10:44:22 am »

saw my mate the other day looking really upset, so i asked him what was wrong. "i've been to the doctor" he says "and i've got the big C" so i said "what, cancer?" and he says "no, dyslexia."

caretaker · « **Reply #95 on:** 07 September 2013, 10:45:38 am »

although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.

simonm · « **Reply #96 on:** 07 September 2013, 10:52:13 am »

Quote from: caretaker on 07 September 2013, 10:45:38 am

although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.

CRH · « **Reply #97 on:** 07 September 2013, 11:36:39 am »

turns out"..old macdonald who had a farm was also dislexic ?.....hehi..hehi...F.?

jackojet · « **Reply #98 on:** 07 September 2013, 12:02:07 pm »

Man goes to chemist and asks assistant for a tube of Vaseline.
Chemist says we don't sell it in tubes " have you tried Boots"

Man says I want to slip in not walk in
Coat gone

dickturpin · « **Reply #99 on:** 07 September 2013, 10:59:48 pm »

two fleas sitting at the beach in Benidorm, first laying back on the sunbed enjoying the sun looks at the second flea which is sat shivering...
whats up? why you so cold? asks the first flea
well I've just got here said the second, and ive come all the way from London in a blokes moustache, on the front of a motorbike and i'm friggin' freezing!
no, replies the first flea, you don't wanna to that, do what I do, get to the airport, find a young lady, fly up her skirt and wait till you get here...easy peasy!
a year later, two fleas were on the beach at Benidorm, the first flea enjoying the sun....looks at the second which is sat shivering..
I thought I told you what to do ? asks the first flea, ..why are you freezing again?
Well, replied the second flea...a funny thing happened....I remembered what you said so I went to the airport and found a real stunner. I flew down under her skirt and settled down in her knickers.....well it was lovely and warm and I went to sleep.
When I woke up I was in a blokes moustache on the front of a motorbike heading to Benidorm!!!!!!!!!!!