Author Topic: Down the pub - the thread about nothing and everything (Read 113791 times)

Grahamm · « **Reply #275 on:** 25 July 2019, 12:09:17 am »

Ikea have announced that they won't take responsibility for any poorly assembled Cabinets in the next few days!

coffee · « **Reply #276 on:** 25 July 2019, 10:47:16 pm »

Kid cops his dad giving his mom one, "get out of it" he laughs and throws the pillow at him.A few days later he the dad comes home early and catches his son giving his nan one,in horror he says "what the hells going on ?" "not so funny when it's your mom is it ?" says the son.

darrsi · « **Reply #277 on:** 26 July 2019, 06:12:35 am »

I'm guessing it's not just me who finds this really hot weather horrific?
It's incredibly busy at my work and i spend all day lifting equipment so by the end of it i'm literally wilting in the heat.
Different parts of the building have different temperatures, so if you sit on your arse all day then obviously you get the lovely air conditioning, but if you're lumping gear about all day doing manual stuff then you get to use fans in the hottest areas of the building? Never really quite got the thought procedure behind that one?

Then there's riding in the heat, well that's just not much fun either is it, and neither is trying to sleep at night with a fan on.

And now i'm hearing thunder and rain outside too, so i'm probably gonna get pissed on as well as being boiled underneath my bike gear on the way to work.

YamFazFan · « **Reply #278 on:** 26 July 2019, 01:37:37 pm »

It's a complete mystery to me why people seem to enjoy it when it's 100 degrees. I find it unbearable. I hate it. The quicker the heatwave focs off the better

coffee · « **Reply #279 on:** 27 July 2019, 12:45:10 am »

To true and being a baldy I'm forever putting a hat on which in turn makes your head sweat ,it's ok riding along but when you stop it's like sitting in a furnace when the fans kick in.So I'll be typically British and moan when it's raining,snowing,icy and sunny.

fazersharp · « **Reply #280 on:** 27 July 2019, 12:54:04 pm »

I love the heat - at 10 stone I am built for the heat and not the cold but then again I don't mind the cold so long as the suns out.

. It is true that when we get hot spells in this wet country it tends to be very humid, here in the midlands anyway far from any sea breeze. Go to the Spanish coast and its hotter but not that sticky heat, although that could be the all inclusive beer and the hotel pool that helps.

Dynspud · « **Reply #281 on:** 21 August 2019, 08:57:02 am »

It's my anniversary. I've now been happily married for 3 years..............................out of a total of 20

Dynspud · « **Reply #282 on:** 21 August 2019, 09:35:29 am »

.............and after my very recent divorce, I'm dating a couple of anorexics. 2 birds, 1 stone

Grahamm · « **Reply #283 on:** 29 August 2019, 09:49:04 am »

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

“Your Holiness,” said one of his Cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea but he had never held a golf club in his hands. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None who plays very well,” the Cardinal replied, “but there’s a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal. Then ask him to play Mr Netanyahu as our personal representative. in addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

“I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness.” said Nicklaus.

“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus.” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.”

“There’s bad news?” asked the Pope.

“Yes, I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.”

Grahamm · « **Reply #284 on:** 29 August 2019, 09:50:42 am »

I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the hemorrhoid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I said, "On the bus."

Grahamm · « **Reply #285 on:** 29 August 2019, 09:51:23 am »

Her: Do you want to come upstairs...?

Him: Sure!

Her: Do you have protection?

Him: Wh-why, what's up there...?!

robbo · « **Reply #286 on:** 29 August 2019, 01:33:17 pm »

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics. Do you know what the bastards gave me for breakfast?. ..Cheerios.

mtread · « **Reply #287 on:** 30 August 2019, 12:24:32 am »

Husband:
My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall?

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She actually went on my motorbike...

Sergeant:
What kind of bike was it?

Husband:
It was my brand new Red Honda Fireblade CBR1000RR 2019 YM Bore × Stroke (mm) 76 x 55 Carburation PGM-DSFI Compression Ratio 0.5423611111111112 C02 Emissions (g/km) 132 Engine Displacement (cc) 999cc Engine Type (cm³) Liquid-cooled 4-stroke 16-valve DOHC Inline-4 Max. Power Output 141kW/13,000rpm Max. Torque 114Nm/11,000rpm Oil Capacity (Litres) 3.4 L Starter Electric Wheels Suspension Front Telescopic inverted fork with an inner tube diameter of 43 mm, and a Big Piston Front Fork with preload, compression and rebound adjustment, 120mm stroke Suspension Rear Unit Pro-Link with gas-charged HMAS damper featuring 10-step preload and stepless compression and rebound damping adjustment, 138.2mm stroke. Rear Balance Free Rear Cushion with preload, compression and rebound adjustment, 62mm stroke. Tyres Front 120/70ZR17 58W Tyre Size Rear 190/50ZR17 73W Wheels Front 17 inch Wheels Rear 17 inch Dimensions and Weights Battery Capacity (VAh) 12V-7AH(Li-ion) Caster Angle 23°20’ Dimensions (L×W×H) (mm) 2,065mm x 720mm x 1125mm Frame type Diamond; aluminium composite twin spar Fuel Tank Capacity (Litres) 16L Ground Clearance (mm) 130mm Kerb Weight (kg) 196kg Seat Height (mm) 832mm Trail (mm) 96mm Wheelbase (mm) 1405mm Transmission Clutch Wet, multiplate with diaphragm spring with assist slipper Final Drive Chain Gearbox 6-speed Instruments and Electrics Headlight LED Instruments TFT-LCD Tail Light LED (sobbing).

Sergeant:
Don't worry mate. We'll find your bike.

coffee · « **Reply #288 on:** 30 August 2019, 12:55:16 am »

Don't know whether I've posted this before but it don't matter, Bloke on hols in Wales goes into a local pub for a couple of jars,notices a fellow in the corner with a disfigured face," 'cin hell what happened to him ?"he asks,"don't you dare say anything about Owen there boyo,that man was responsible for saving 53 men when a timber cracked down the mine a few years back,he stood alone holding up the roof while we all made a run for it" "bloody hell,so that's how he got that face?" "oh,no boyo,that's where we sledged him into position".................I'll get me coat.

Grahamm · « **Reply #289 on:** 12 December 2019, 12:06:42 pm »

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs.

YamFazFan · « **Reply #290 on:** 12 December 2019, 01:04:17 pm »

coffee · « **Reply #291 on:** 12 December 2019, 09:23:05 pm »

A pub landlord is locking up for the night when there's a knock on the door,he's confronted by a tramp who asks him for a toothpick,he gives him one and shuts the door,a couple of minutes later there's another knock and another tramp asks him for a toothpick,he gives him one and locks up again,After another few minutes there's yet another knock on the door,the landlord opens it and there's yet another tramp"don't tell me you want a toothpick" "no sir,have you got a straw?" puzzled now he asks the tramp "your two mates wanted toothpicks,how come you want a straw?" "well sir,a bloke's threw up just outside and most of the solid bits have gone"

Grahamm · « **Reply #292 on:** 17 December 2019, 09:45:21 pm »

Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now.

Paddy: oh!

Mick: For example, do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is?

Paddy: No

Mick: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know this.

The next day,

Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Paddy: No

Mick: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night classes, you'd know this.

The next day, once again:

Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is?

Paddy: No

Mick: He's the author of "The Confessions" If you took night classes, you'd know this.

This time, Paddy got irritated and said:

And you Mick ... Do you know who Sean Reilly is?

Mick: No

Paddy: He's the fellow who's shagging your wife! If you stopped going to night classes, you'd know this!

coffee · « **Reply #293 on:** 19 December 2019, 12:44:49 am »

Quote from: Grahamm on 12 December 2019, 12:06:42 pm

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs.

I did know of a chap who's going to be on his own but I didn't notice any chairs when I was nicking his cardboard for some E/bay parcels I've got to send.

mtread · « **Reply #294 on:** 19 December 2019, 01:27:51 pm »

As it's the season, Tampax have decided to replace the cotton string with tinsel....... But it's only for the Christmas period

Grahamm · « **Reply #295 on:** 21 December 2019, 10:21:34 pm »

My neighbour just got arrested for growing cannabis in his back garden.

Apparently my property boundary isn’t where I thought it was.

Grahamm · « **Reply #296 on:** 24 December 2019, 12:04:41 am »

Please be advised that all personnel planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undertake a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs.

The assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers.

Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from SATCO before station fields may be entered.

To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.

While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks.

The Angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer.

Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practised in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages.

It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.

Finally, for those involved in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.

YamFazFan · « **Reply #297 on:** 24 December 2019, 08:18:25 am »

It's only the Christmas references that give that away as being a parody. All the rest is just a running commentary on real life in Snowflake Britain 2019

Grahamm · « **Reply #298 on:** 26 December 2019, 10:20:04 pm »

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

* * * * *

Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

Grahamm · « **Reply #299 on:** 29 December 2019, 03:53:21 pm »

My boss called this morning and shouted,

“Where the fuck are you? It’s 8:30 and you were supposed to start at 8.”

“Relax, I’m in my office.” I replied.

“Quit the shit!” he roared. “I’m standing in your office.”

So I went, “Oh, sorry mate, I forgot to tell you about my new job.”