Coat, door, foc off :lol
:lol Just desserts indeed!
Two aerials on a roof, they meet, fall in love, get married.
The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!
Ha, I can come up with worse jokes than you Lew :lol
Race you to the coat room...
Oi! :eek I live in Shetland :evil
Having said that there are some people I can think of that fit this joke...
Chris
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.Now I like that 10 out of 10 :thumbup
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only ever remember very short jokes! :\
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making his own land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
he says Prophets are going through the roof.
No offence intended to anyone who may have served out there. :rolleyes
a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):
What do you call a Fish with no eyes?
A Fsh
Right, you asked for it...
Why did the elephant paint his bollocks red?
To hide in a cherry tree
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
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Injury lawyers 4u are sh1tAh!! are you a mate of Rolf Harris by any chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over my fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.
Guess who's in court tomorrow?
Mary had a little dress
Split right up the sides
When she walked around the room
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another dress
Split right up the front
She didn't wear it very often.
Dear Deirdre,
My boyfriend has told me the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion,he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat willy into my tiny little bumhole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck,deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do ?
My mate phoned me up, he said "I was doing some DIY and I cut my finger off." I said "What, the whole finger?" He said "No the one next to it."
My mate phoned me up, he said "I was doing some DIY and I cut my finger off." I said "What, the whole finger?" He said "No the one next to it.":rollin :rollin :rollin
"What does an Essex girl have between her ears!!!!!!!!!!!1
Her knees. ([url]http://foc-u.co.uk/Smileys/efocicon/z.gif[/url]) "
? maybe Im blonde but how does that one work ? knees between her ears ? :pokefun :oops
Nike has made a shoe for lesbians,:thumbup
it's called Nikes for Dykes, it's got 50% more tongue and you can get it off with one finger :lol
Blonde jokes, I have robbed from elsewhere, at least I'm being honest.
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces
A: Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop.
Where is the door I'll return for the coat later.
Lew . :\
I don't get it :|Belfast Tours Whores get it now?? maybe you need a Belfast accent like I have?
My ex wife could manipulate her muscles in her fanny so it felt like getting a blow job..........which is why I divorced her when she manipulated her muscles in her mouth she sounded like a cunt:rollin :rollin :rollin
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
from [url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com[/url] ([url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com[/url])
([url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/day-37.jpg[/url])
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Chinese Hurrymoon
A young Chinese couple get married.
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
tries to be reassuring.
"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
which
he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
her
request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her..
"You want... Garlic
Chicken with corrifrowa?"
although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.:lol
Bought the misses a bag and a belt for her birthday, foccing hoover works a treat now :lol:rollin :rollin
I don't get it :|
I don't get it :|
"STOP any time i like" he's drinking brake fluid
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something? :rolleyes
I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.
So I stabbed his wife.
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something? :rolleyes
I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.
So I stabbed his wife.
Some corkers here, but 113 posts in and no-ones mentioned this peach? :D
It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!"
Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David."
Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew."
Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"
Why old fellas don't get hired
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
Old fella: Honesty.
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.
not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best :lol
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....
(https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg)
The answer to all problems
(https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg)
The answer to all problems
@ Christo :lol
That's a coincidence. I was in a band called the 999 megabytes. We were quite good, but we never made a gig.:rollin :rollin :rollin
*1023 megabytes ;)
:rollin*1023 megabytes ;)
:rolleyes
Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.
But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish :lol
:rollin*1023 megabytes ;)
:rolleyes
Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.
But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish :lol
So mourners gathering outside Nelson Mandela house. Thousands of people singing and partying. Delboy and Rodney are not happy.Even the great man himself would have laughed at that, David Jason I mean.
I know but thought you needed a bit of backup :):rollin*1023 megabytes ;)
:rolleyes
Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.
But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish :lol
Erm....that's not actually a joke Lew...... ;)
The Original Sin
https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's. He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)
> > > > > > > > (wait for it)
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
Manchester United turned down a 48 million shirt sponsorship deal from a dog food manufacturer stating that "Winalot" on the new shirt would put them under even more pressure.
Took my wife to the doctors today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game, have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.
Made me smile
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke