Fazer Owners Club - Unofficial

General => General => Topic started by: lew600fazer on 22 August 2013, 12:04:44 am

Title: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 22 August 2013, 12:04:44 am
The 'phone rang last night and the wife answered it. Someone was breathing heavily on the other end and said to her: "I bet you've got a tight arse with no hair."

She replied: "Yes, he's just watching the telly, who shall I say is calling?".  :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 22 August 2013, 01:31:54 pm
An Irish  Biker goes to the Doctor in great pain

"Dactor, Dactor it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's arse, and then a £1 pound coin appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly Sor, dat's moch batter now so it is. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,991 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."   (http://cbf1000.com/Smileys/cbf1000/164.gif)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 22 August 2013, 06:27:25 pm
Coat, door, foc off  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Chris on 22 August 2013, 06:38:36 pm
Coat, door, foc off  :lol

 :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: His Dudeness on 22 August 2013, 07:36:37 pm
I googled worst jokes ever and I found this thread.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 22 August 2013, 10:52:59 pm
So maybe my jokes are crap. Maybe I do not understand how the forum operates yet.
try this one for size then.
Shetlander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his cousin is lying in bed reading. The Shetlander says: "This be the cow I spend me nights with when ye've got a headache." His cousin replies: "Ye be daft, beuy! That be a sheep!" The Shetlander replies: "I wasn'a talkin' to ye!"

 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Chris on 23 August 2013, 07:12:59 pm
Oi!    :eek I live in Shetland  :evil

Having said that there are some people I can think of that fit this joke...

Chris
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 25 August 2013, 09:53:22 pm
At the funeral of a traffic warden the coffin was being lowered into the grave when a knocking was heard from within.  A muffled voice pleaded, "Let me out, I'm not dead!"
The vicar replied, "Sorry Pal, but I've already done the paperwork".  :rollin
From another forum
Lew
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 25 August 2013, 10:18:19 pm
 :lol  Just desserts indeed!
 
Two aerials on a roof, they meet, fall in love, get married.
The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!
 
Ha, I can come up with worse jokes than you Lew  :lol
Race you to the coat room...
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: ChristoT on 25 August 2013, 10:57:47 pm
:lol  Just desserts indeed!
 
Two aerials on a roof, they meet, fall in love, get married.
The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!
 
Ha, I can come up with worse jokes than you Lew  :lol
Race you to the coat room...

Innuendo - exactly what it says on the tin.

I'm already in the coat room...  :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 26 August 2013, 01:22:48 pm
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It’s me talking to my beer.
Now that is pretty poor. :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 26 August 2013, 04:47:11 pm
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 26 August 2013, 07:49:43 pm
Oi!    :eek I live in Shetland  :evil

Having said that there are some people I can think of that fit this joke...

Chris


 :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 26 August 2013, 10:35:14 pm
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I like that 10 out of 10 :thumbup
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 26 August 2013, 10:37:32 pm
I can only ever remember very short jokes!  :\
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: ChristoT on 27 August 2013, 12:08:10 am
I can only ever remember very short jokes!  :\

Talking of short jokes... :lol

What do you get if you cross a dwarf with a computer?


A short circuit!


I'll see myself out... :rofl
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: mickvp on 27 August 2013, 12:18:15 am
a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?

A Fsh
____________

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
 You, but don't start anything."

____________

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
 says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Now... were is that coat....aha! (http://www.vivapotenza.com/images/smilies/getmecoat.gif) :rollin:
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 27 August 2013, 08:34:00 am
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making his own land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
he says Prophets are going through the roof.

No offence intended to anyone who may have served out there. :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 27 August 2013, 06:06:17 pm
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making his own land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
he says Prophets are going through the roof.

No offence intended to anyone who may have served out there. :rolleyes

 :rollin :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 27 August 2013, 11:45:51 pm
Two Irishmen sitting in a pub having a pint of the Black stuff.

Pat says to Mick,   Why do men fart more than women?

Mick, dats easy Pat, They never shut up long enough to let the gas build up.
Sorry coat door I'm gone. :rolleyes

Lew
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 27 August 2013, 11:50:04 pm
So I went into my local butchers and I said, I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, no, you're right, the steaks are too high......
 
Hey, I just got here.....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: DILLIGAFF on 28 August 2013, 02:02:38 pm
A little old Jewish lady answers her phone one night.........................


Hello?


I bet you're wearing see through black knickers, black silk stockings and a lacy uplift bra.......................






All this you can tell from one Hello??????????
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: DryRob on 28 August 2013, 02:07:00 pm
I had back ache yesterday but it's behind me now
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 28 August 2013, 02:25:14 pm
An hour ago my wife says to me I am going to bed for an hour, fancy joining me!!!!
So like a flash we are between the sheets!!!
5 minutes later I am asked what the fuck do you think you are doing!!!
I just do not understand women,  :\ :\ :o :o :'( :'(
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: jackojet on 28 August 2013, 02:48:23 pm
Went doctors other day.
Doc says "do you open your bowels regularly"?
I say "yes 7.30am every morning"
Doc says "that's very good"
I say "it ain't if you don't get up till 10.30am" :eek
 
Coat gone :)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: hotmetal on 28 August 2013, 03:48:13 pm
a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?

A Fsh


There's more where that came from:


What do you call a deer with no eyes?






No eye deer.






What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?






Still no eye deer.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 28 August 2013, 03:53:27 pm
with the level of this thread dropping quickly !
 
 what do you call a gorllia with his fingers in his ears ?
 
 
 
wait for it !!!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
anything you like he cant hear you !  :rolleyes
 
 
 come on there must be some worse ones than that ? well maybe ?
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: richfzs on 28 August 2013, 04:06:09 pm
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

Still no fucking idea.....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 28 August 2013, 04:11:40 pm
On a recent trip to Ireland I stopped to ask directions
"Excuse me sir, can you tell me the quickest way to the coast ?"
He said thoughtfully in a thick Irish accent "Now let me see, would you be walking or driving ?"
"Driving" I said.
To which he replied  "Yes, that'll be the quickest way"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 04:14:45 pm
What do call a bear with no ear
 
 
 
 
 
 
A "b"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 04:18:49 pm
I carved out a water melon and put half on my dogs head...........now he's acting all melon collie
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Chris on 28 August 2013, 04:20:03 pm
what's brown and sticky?
A stick...

What's brown and green and sticky?
A stick with some fungus on it....

How do you make a swiss roll?
Push him down a hill.

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 28 August 2013, 04:22:22 pm
Man walks into a pet shop and says
"How much are your wasps ?"
"Sorry sir we don't sell wasps"
"Well you've got one in the window"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 04:25:40 pm
how do you know your girlfriend's too fat...........when she sits on your face you cant hear the stereo
 
how do you know your girlfriend's too young..........you have to make aeroplane noises to put your cock in her mouth
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 28 August 2013, 04:26:07 pm
Well, I took my dog to the vet and said, he's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?
So the vet picked him up, looked at his eyes and examined his teeth, then he says, I'm going to have to put him down.
What, I said, because he's cross-eyed?
No, because he's really heavy........
 
And then I went to the psychiatrist wearing just clingfilm for shorts, and the shrink said
I can see clearly you're nuts......
 
When I got home, I decided to clear out the attic with my wife's help
Dusty, filthy, cobwebby
But she's really good with the kids
 
Ha, didn't bring a coat!  :nana
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: jackojet on 28 August 2013, 04:43:35 pm
A mate of mine was a cesarian baby and it's always affected him.
Whenever we are in the car and stop to get out he gets out the sunroof :'( :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 05:05:43 pm
what you call a woman who's tampon string breaks........a cotton picker
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 05:10:36 pm
My ex wife could manipulate her muscles in her fanny so it felt like getting a blow job..........which is why I divorced her when she manipulated her muscles in her mouth she sounded like a cunt
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 28 August 2013, 05:13:10 pm
when my mum was in labour my head got stuck in her fanny and I had to be pulled out by the mid wife.......that's how excited I was to see my little brother
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 29 August 2013, 12:58:38 am
How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.


How do you get four giraffes in a Mini?

You can't, it's full of elephants.


How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Down the M4 and across the Severn Bridge.


How do you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.


How do you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?

Giggling from behind the butter dish.


How do you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?

The door won't shut.


How do you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?

Their Mini is parked outside!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: ChristoT on 29 August 2013, 05:35:54 am
Right, you asked for it...

Why did the elephant paint his bollocks red?

To hide in a cherry tree

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 29 August 2013, 07:52:49 am
Right, you asked for it...

Why did the elephant paint his bollocks red?

To hide in a cherry tree

How did Tarzan die?

Picking cherries.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle.....a giraffe eating cherries from the cherry tree
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 29 August 2013, 09:24:39 am
why did the pervert cross the road
 
 
 
 cos he had his dick stuck in a chicken !
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: mickvp on 29 August 2013, 09:40:50 am
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?

Because the paracetomol :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 29 August 2013, 12:55:05 pm
Why do elephants paint their toenails yellow?

So they can hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Enceladus on 29 August 2013, 02:10:43 pm
you want bad........

what game can you play with a wombat ????

wom !!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 29 August 2013, 04:08:20 pm

 
The Fairy & The Immigrant [/u][/b]
(http://uk.f1720.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f152591%5fAKco5C4AAA8ZUh8wGwAAACWS76A&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL)
A  beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimantoutside the Social Security Offices.

(http://uk.f1720.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f152591%5fAKco5C4AAA8ZUh8wGwAAACWS76A&pid=2.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL)
'My good man,' the fairy said,'I've been told to grant you three wishes,since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'The man told the fairy:'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and  -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family
and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage,
a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW,full of his nephews playing their music.'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.  I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl 
and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING ! -  The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA,a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. 
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 
'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said'Tough luck. Now that you are English,you're entitled tosweet f***  all like the rest of  us”.And she disappeared
[/t][/t][/t]
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: marksfazer on 29 August 2013, 04:37:25 pm
 Injury lawyers 4u are sh1t
 When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over my fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.
 Guess who's in court tomorrow?
 

 
 
  Mary had a little dress
 Split right up the sides
 When she walked around the room
 The boys could see her thighs
 
 
 
 
 
 Mary had another dress
 Split right up the front
 
 
 
 She didn't wear it very often.
 
 
Dear Deirdre,
 
 My boyfriend has told me the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion,he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat willy into my tiny little bumhole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck,deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do ?

 
 
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Oldgit on 29 August 2013, 06:02:40 pm
my sister in law broke my glasses when she sat on them --I should have taken them off first silly me.
The wife was throwing all my clothes out the bedroom window at me outside and she said "I hope you die a long lingering painful death you bastid
So I said "so you want me back then???
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 29 August 2013, 10:58:20 pm
Injury lawyers 4u are sh1t
 When my neighbour's 15 year old daughter cut herself climbing over my fence, they told me to take a photo of her gash.
 Guess who's in court tomorrow?
 

 
 
 Mary had a little dress
 Split right up the sides
 When she walked around the room
 The boys could see her thighs
 
 
 
 
 
 Mary had another dress
 Split right up the front
 
 
 
 She didn't wear it very often.
 
 
Dear Deirdre,
 
 My boyfriend has told me the best cure for constipation is anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion,he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat willy into my tiny little bumhole. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, shot his muck,deep into my bowels. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do ?
Ah!! are you a mate of Rolf Harris by any chance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Farjo on 29 August 2013, 11:19:58 pm
A feller took a viagra but it got stuck in his throat. He woke up with a stiff neck.

What does a Chelsea Girl say when she's having an orgasm? "One is arriving! One is arriving!"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 29 August 2013, 11:35:37 pm
What does an Essex girl have between her ears!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
 
 
 
Her knees. :z
 
I will get my coat, sorry
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Farjo on 30 August 2013, 12:28:13 am
My mate phoned me up, he said "I was doing some DIY and I cut my finger off." I said "What, the whole finger?" He said "No the one next to it."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Chris on 30 August 2013, 12:29:14 am
My mate phoned me up, he said "I was doing some DIY and I cut my finger off." I said "What, the whole finger?" He said "No the one next to it."

 :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: jackojet on 30 August 2013, 05:49:59 am
My mate phoned me up, he said "I was doing some DIY and I cut my finger off." I said "What, the whole finger?" He said "No the one next to it."
:rollin :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 30 August 2013, 11:08:19 am
"What does an Essex girl have between her ears!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
 
 
 
Her knees. (http://foc-u.co.uk/Smileys/efocicon/z.gif) "
? maybe Im blonde but how does that one work ? knees between her ears ? :pokefun :oops
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 30 August 2013, 02:59:47 pm
"What does an Essex girl have between her ears!!!!!!!!!!!1
 
 
 
 
Her knees. ([url]http://foc-u.co.uk/Smileys/efocicon/z.gif[/url]) "
? maybe Im blonde but how does that one work ? knees between her ears ? :pokefun :oops

Okay Snapper see if we can get you on track, What does an Essex girl have between her thighs.
 
Her licker ??? ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 30 August 2013, 03:41:37 pm
whats the difference between katie price and a kitkat
 
 
 
you can only get four fingers in your kitkat
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Ebme Geek on 30 August 2013, 03:56:25 pm
Nike has made a shoe for lesbians,
  it's called Nikes for Dykes,  it's got 50% more tongue and you can get it off with one finger  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: BBROWN1664 on 30 August 2013, 04:28:57 pm
Not Always Snapper


Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 30 August 2013, 04:44:39 pm
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur.......A lickalotopussy
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 31 August 2013, 05:09:40 pm
Nike has made a shoe for lesbians,
  it's called Nikes for Dykes,  it's got 50% more tongue and you can get it off with one finger  :lol
:thumbup
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: rustyrider on 31 August 2013, 06:38:46 pm
Ikea have just announced the Lesbian bed.  No screwing, it's all tongue and groove......
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 31 August 2013, 07:12:20 pm
Litle boy arrives late for school,
Teachers asks him why he is late
Little boy says "Our horse fell down a hole and I had to get the gun for my dad to shoot the horse"
Teached ask " Did he shoot him in the hole"
Little boy says "No sir, he shot him in the head"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 31 August 2013, 08:38:20 pm
So Rolf Harris is a paedophile.
It's a pity we don't have some big island on the other side of the world we can send people like this to, to keep them out of trouble...
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: The Rocketeer on 01 September 2013, 01:25:40 am
What's the smallest pub in Britain?
The Thalidomide Arms
 
What's black & crispy and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Ebme Geek on 02 September 2013, 03:33:40 pm
The Royal Mail have released a new stamp with a picture of a womans clitoris on it.
However, it has been withdrawn,
   as only 5% of men knew where to lick it !    :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 02 September 2013, 03:48:19 pm
Blonde jokes, I have robbed from elsewhere, at least I'm being honest.
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces
 A:  Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop.
Where is the door I'll return for the coat later.
Lew . :\
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: ChristoT on 02 September 2013, 03:54:59 pm
Blonde jokes, I have robbed from elsewhere, at least I'm being honest.
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces
 A:  Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop.
Where is the door I'll return for the coat later.
Lew . :\

 :rollin :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lazarus on 02 September 2013, 08:29:35 pm
My wife said that going back to work would be the hardest thing to do, having to juggle between looking after a family and holding down a full time job.
She obviously has never tried to have a wank with a laptop on her knees.


Andrex brought out a new range of toilet paper. It has the outline of "middle eastern ethnic minority groups"
You need to try and colour in as you wipe - extra points for keeping within the lines.





any coats left?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 02 September 2013, 10:23:23 pm
My mate mentioned this to me , not a joke but he heard a guy calling this out in Belfast.
This way for Belfast Tours.
Just say it to yourself a few times , made me chuckle,  :evil ;) ;)
Lew
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 02 September 2013, 10:40:10 pm
I don't get it :|
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 02 September 2013, 11:45:08 pm
I don't get it :|
Belfast Tours    Whores get it now?? maybe you need a Belfast accent like I have?
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 02 September 2013, 11:50:27 pm
My ex wife could manipulate her muscles in her fanny so it felt like getting a blow job..........which is why I divorced her when she manipulated her muscles in her mouth she sounded like a cunt
:rollin :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 02 September 2013, 11:51:50 pm
The British Stiff Upper Lip lives on.

On a train from London to Manchester a drunk Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"

The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!!!"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 03 September 2013, 11:39:13 pm
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Florida, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, he dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an IRISH girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 04 September 2013, 01:49:56 pm
A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”
Got me coat. ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 04 September 2013, 04:22:27 pm
Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’
Can I come back in yet? getting cold out here  ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: red98 on 04 September 2013, 04:39:40 pm
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
 
 
showing your age there nick........frank muir +dennis norden,you must be nearly as old as me  :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 04 September 2013, 07:14:24 pm
I went into a chemist and asked for a packet of condoms, she said they didn't have any try Boots.....I said I wanted to shag fuck out her not kick fuck out her
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: erix2 on 05 September 2013, 09:26:02 pm
 
A British man has been thrown out of Pakistan for testing positive for 4 banned substances.....
Toothpaste, Deodorant, Soap and Shampoo..... :rolleyes
 
Eric  :eek
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 06 September 2013, 07:03:43 am
I woke up in hospital after a bad accident with a gorgeous nurse standing over me, she said "you may not feel anything from the waist down" i said " can i touch your tits then ?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: simonm on 06 September 2013, 08:42:57 am
from http://poorlydrawnlines.com (http://poorlydrawnlines.com)
(http://poorlydrawnlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/day-37.jpg)




Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 September 2013, 08:48:51 am
 :)
from [url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com[/url] ([url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com[/url])
([url]http://poorlydrawnlines.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/day-37.jpg[/url])
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 September 2013, 08:55:19 am
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: “You can’t eat your own food in here.” So they swapped sandwiches
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: nsr500v4 on 06 September 2013, 10:29:50 am
I tried washing my clothes at 30 degrees but the washing machine kept falling over!




 Sorry!  :o
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: nsr500v4 on 06 September 2013, 10:33:00 am
A man in Glasgow was caught after trying to rob a bank using underwear to mask his face.

He was immediately arrested following a quick debriefing.

   ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Enceladus on 06 September 2013, 10:42:50 am
Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.
   
 She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
 know that.
 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
 husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
 tries to be reassuring.
   
 "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
 frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
 juss
 anyting you want. You juss ask.
 Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
 which
 he hopes will impress her.
   
 A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
 her
 request.
 She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
 heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
 More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
 puzzled tone he asks her..
   
   
 "You want... Garlic
  Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 September 2013, 01:15:07 pm
 :lol
Chinese Hurrymoon

A young Chinese couple get married.
   
 She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't
 know that.
 On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
 husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and
 tries to be reassuring.
   
 "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
 frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting
 juss
 anyting you want. You juss ask.
 Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly,
 which
 he hopes will impress her.
   
 A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for
 her
 request.
 She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have
 heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."
 More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a
 puzzled tone he asks her..
   
   
 "You want... Garlic
  Chicken with corrifrowa?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Buzz on 06 September 2013, 01:32:14 pm

- A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone. "Morning!" he said. The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."

- A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.  The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

- This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.  The driver got out and he was a dwarf.  He said, "I'm not happy.", I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: caretaker on 06 September 2013, 05:22:14 pm
dyslexic walks into a bra...
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 06 September 2013, 06:33:02 pm
I went to the doctor's, he said to me, I haven't seen you in a long while
I said, I know, I've been ill..
 
And he said to me, you're very ill. I said, I want a second opinion
He said, ok, you're ugly as well...
 
Classic Tommy Cooper actually, red98  :)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 06 September 2013, 06:50:23 pm
I was shocked today when I got home from work and the wife told me my 5 year old son isn't really mine.
She said I've got to pay more attention when I pick him up from school...
 
And I met a crying Worzel Gummidge today, and he was moaning about why couldn't he shorten his name to something cooler.
I said, you shouldn't worry, it could be Worz...
 
Surrender, or there'll be more...
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 07 September 2013, 09:04:31 am
Precious Picture
Nick sat in his attorney's office.
 "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
 "Give me the bad news first."
 "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
 "That's the bad news?" asked Nick shockingly. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
 "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: caretaker on 07 September 2013, 10:44:22 am
saw my mate the other day looking really upset, so i asked him what was wrong. "i've been to the doctor" he says "and i've got the big C" so i said "what, cancer?" and he says "no, dyslexia."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: caretaker on 07 September 2013, 10:45:38 am
although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: simonm on 07 September 2013, 10:52:13 am
 
although, having posted that, i think that people who make fun of dyslexia should get a file.
:lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 07 September 2013, 11:36:39 am
turns out"..old macdonald who had a farm was also dislexic ?.....hehi..hehi...F.?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: jackojet on 07 September 2013, 12:02:07 pm
Man goes to chemist and asks assistant for a tube of Vaseline.
Chemist says we don't sell it in tubes " have you tried Boots"
 
Man says I want to slip in not walk in
Coat gone :o
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dickturpin on 07 September 2013, 10:59:48 pm
two fleas sitting at the beach in Benidorm, first laying back on the sunbed enjoying the sun looks at the second flea which is sat shivering...
whats up? why you so cold? asks the first flea
well I've just got here said the second, and ive come all the way from London in a blokes moustache, on the front of a motorbike and i'm friggin' freezing!
no, replies the first flea, you don't wanna to that, do what I do, get to the airport, find a young lady, fly up her skirt and wait till you get here...easy peasy!
a year later, two fleas were on the beach at Benidorm, the first flea enjoying the sun....looks at the second which is sat shivering..
I thought I told you what to do ? asks the first flea, ..why are you freezing again?
Well, replied the second flea...a funny thing happened....I remembered what you said so I went to the airport and found a real stunner. I flew down under her skirt and settled down in her knickers.....well it was lovely and warm and I went to sleep.
When I woke up I was in a blokes moustache on the front of a motorbike heading to Benidorm!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Ebme Geek on 10 September 2013, 02:57:11 pm
Bought the misses a bag and a belt for her birthday,  foccing hoover works a treat now   :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lazarus on 10 September 2013, 03:42:45 pm
It was our leather wedding anniversary at the weekend

so I went home and gave the wife a belt on the mouth.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lawrence on 10 September 2013, 04:01:16 pm
Bought the misses a bag and a belt for her birthday,  foccing hoover works a treat now   :lol
:rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 14 September 2013, 02:18:53 pm
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
 The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robby boy on 15 September 2013, 12:36:55 am
three farmers discussing what they've got their wives for christmas, first farmer says "I got my wife a gold ring and a pair of gloves, if she does not like her ring she can put the gloves on and not offend me by not wearing the ring", second farmer says " I got my wife a diamond necklace and a scarf, if she does not like the necklace she can put  on the scarf and not offend me by not wearing the necklace", third farmer says"I bought my wife a 6X10 sectional shed and a vibrator, if she does not like her shed she can go F*** herself"




Coats on I'm off!! :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 19 September 2013, 05:57:49 pm
Two men are walking down the street, and they see a dog licking his balls.
 One of the guys says, "I really wish I could do that."
 To which his friend replies, "Well, he looks like a friendly enough dog..."
I'll close the door on the way out
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 19 September 2013, 07:33:46 pm
 Today's Short Reading from the Bible...

 From Genesis:

"And God promised man that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
 Then he made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
 
Ouch! Who closed the foccing door :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: rik on 21 September 2013, 12:12:49 am
 :lol :rollin :)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 21 September 2013, 09:24:08 am
next door neighbors dog ate a plastic part off there hoover last week!!..had to have emergency opp :eek ...told to ring later that day, ...said he was much better ....and..picking up nicely :rolleyes ......
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 23 September 2013, 11:16:12 pm
Lorry driver pulls into transport cafe car park and goes into cafe, orders a breakfast, three cocky greasers pull up on motorbikes and enter cafe sitting next to lorry driver, lorry drivers breakfast turns up, while he is eating one of the bikers leans over and grabs a sausage from the drivers plate, driver says nothing, soon after the biker leans over and grabs a rasher of bacon, lorry driver says nothing, after he has finished he stands up and walks out, biker turns to a guy walking in and says` not much of a man he was`, man who came in says ` not much of a driver too, he has just ran over three motorbikes on his way off the park`...
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 07 October 2013, 12:05:32 pm
After a night of heavy drinking, I got a taxi to a brothel.
"How does this work, I've, er,  never done this before?" I asked nervously.
"Well, you tell me where you want to go and then we drive there" replied the taxi driver.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Liroka on 07 October 2013, 04:38:31 pm
I met a young lady in the club the other night. Surprisingly we hit it off really well and spent the night dancing together. At the end of the night I asked her if she'd like to grab a coffee to which she replied she was sorry but she was on her period cycle. I said "That's OK love, I'll follow you on my Fazer."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 15 October 2013, 07:53:34 pm
Guy goes into a tattooist and asks for a full depiction of an Indian tattooed on his back.

After three hours solid work the guy says to the tattooist, " Hey mate, make sure you put a tomahawk in his hand, will ya?"

The tattooist replies, "Fuck sake mate, give me a chance, I've just finished his feckin turban!!" :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: mr self destruct on 15 October 2013, 08:17:50 pm
Some corkers here, but 113 posts in and no-ones mentioned this peach?  :D




It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!"

Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David."

Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew."

Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 15 October 2013, 09:46:04 pm
An Islamic cleric recently said in a radio interview that in an ideal world he'd like to see homosexuals executed.
 
I was shocked!
 
What would a muslim be doing in an ideal world?!
 
 
 
 
 
I recently got to talking to this guy in a pub who said his mate had just crashed his motorcycle. He said he had slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and only one leg.
 
I said, blimey, no wonder he crashed...........
 
 
 
I wonder how many people I've offended with those then....... :\
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Exupnut on 15 October 2013, 09:54:47 pm
How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman....
Shit in her cunt.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 15 October 2013, 10:13:02 pm
This one for quantum physicists............
 
 
Has anyone looked in Schrodinger's grave to see if he's in there?  :lol
 
 
 
Eh?..............
 
 
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Exupnut on 15 October 2013, 10:23:35 pm
He's not there nick but his cat is
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 15 October 2013, 10:30:12 pm
Was it still alive?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Exupnut on 15 October 2013, 10:57:27 pm
Paradoxically he was both alive and dead. And he fukin stank of decaying atom's. Cunt
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 15 October 2013, 11:01:27 pm
 :thumbup
 
 :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 16 October 2013, 04:32:33 am
Two men standing in a queue, both with black eyes. One said to the other. "How did you get that mate"?    "Well I went to buy a train ticket and got a bit distracted by the lady serving me, she had lovely tits and instead of asking for a return to Birmingham I ended  up saying bosom. How did you get yours"?
"That's unbelievable", he said, "the same thing happened to me, I was having tea with my wife and I meant to say...Can you pass me the salt please but I ended up saying...You ruined my life you fat ugly cunt.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lampwick on 16 October 2013, 09:51:46 am
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!






They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly :rollin

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 16 October 2013, 08:09:22 pm
A mechanic noticed his colleague drinking brake fluid from the bottle.
 
Hey man, you can't drink that stuff!
 
Relax, it tastes good and I don't drink it that often, said the colleague
 
Yeah but it's real bad for you man, that stuff is poison! replied the mechanic.
 
Hey, back off! said the colleague, getting angry. It's my choice and I can stop anytime I want!
 
 
 
 
 
Fer chrissakes......... :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 16 October 2013, 08:15:12 pm
I don't get it :|
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Skippernick on 16 October 2013, 08:17:48 pm
I don't get it :|


"STOP any time i like" he's drinking brake fluid
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: red98 on 16 October 2013, 08:18:51 pm
give him time....hes dreaming about the new thou  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 16 October 2013, 08:19:33 pm
I don't get it :|


"STOP any time i like" he's drinking brake fluid

 
fer chrissakes....... :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 16 October 2013, 08:22:44 pm
Ah ok, I completely missed that punch line - thought the "fer chrissakes" was it and got confused... picking up the thou tomorrow ^^ Exciting times ^^
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: red98 on 16 October 2013, 08:24:28 pm
pictures tomorrow night.... :)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Andy FZS on 16 October 2013, 09:33:17 pm
Pictures at the ceremonial hand over and then some more after you've had some fun.
Title: Just a joke
Post by: Exupnut on 16 October 2013, 09:39:57 pm
But none of ur knickers after u experience the raw POWER and shit urself lol and watch out fer those double apex. Gauranteed to fill ur frilly's on a litre.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 16 October 2013, 09:45:11 pm
Just so that I don't hijack yet another thread;

An old lady asked me to help her across the road with her bag.

"What's in it for me?" I asked.

"My beautiful daughter," she winked.

"Really?" I replied. "She must be fucking tiny."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 16 October 2013, 10:08:55 pm
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.
 
I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.
 
So I stabbed his wife.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 16 October 2013, 10:29:19 pm
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.
 
I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.
 
So I stabbed his wife.
....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something? :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 16 October 2013, 10:40:44 pm
A 6' 5'' skinhead was giving me evil looks down the pub the other night, so I said to him, if you keep looking at me like that, you'll be spending the night in A & E.
 
I'd like to see you fucking try, you little cunt, he said.
 
So I stabbed his wife.
....you wasnt there night after?....when he come back again with jump leads round his neck and a car battery under his fkn arm?...i fucked off incase he started something? :rolleyes

 :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Robbie8666 on 17 October 2013, 08:20:47 am
Some corkers here, but 113 posts in and no-ones mentioned this peach?  :D




It's St George's Day, and a Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a pub when an Englishman bursts in and shouts "Drinks all round barman, we're having a toast! My son was born today, and being a true Englishman I've named him George!"

Welshman turns and says "Congratulations! My lad was born on St David's Day and being A true Welshman I named him David."

Scotsman says "Funny you should say that, my lad was born on St Andrew's Day and being A true Scot I named him Andrew."

Irishman says "Bejeesus this is a coincidence! Wait 'til I get home and tell our Pancake!"

Love this one as my nephew was born on pancake day and so thats what he is known as within the family! lol  :rollin :rollin :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 17 October 2013, 10:27:10 pm
two irish sea scouts died today?....there tent sunk :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 17 October 2013, 10:38:25 pm
did you hear about the irishman who thought ..bacteria"..was the rear entrance to a cafe"...and the irish cat that  had a shit and buried itself!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 23 October 2013, 06:28:12 pm
A Manc and a Scouser go into Greggs.
The Scouser nicks 3 pies, puts them in his pocket then boasts to the Manc : "did you see that? The staff never saw me".
The Manc says "That's fuck all watch this". So the Manc says to the manager, Give me a pie and I'll show you some magic. Eats the pie in front of him and does the same thing 3 times.
Pissed off, the manager says Where's the magic ? The Manc replies go and check that scouser's pocket !!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 27 October 2013, 09:18:48 pm
A woman took her very limp pet duck to a vet and asked if he could examine it.
He placed the duck on the examination table and placed his stethoscope to the ducks chest.
I'm afraid your duck is dead, he told her.
Dead? Are you sure? I mean, it's not in just in a coma or something? You haven't carried out any tests or anything!
The vet leaves the room and comes back a short while later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the woman looks on worried, the dog places it's paws on the examination table, sniffs the duck from head to foot, then looks up at the vet with sad eyes and shakes it's head.
Then the vet takes the dog out of the room, and comes back with a cat, which he puts on the table. The cat also sniffs the duck from head to foot, looks up at the vet, meows softly and shakes its head. Then the vet takes the cat out of the room.
He then comes back in, sits at his desk and prints out the bill for the woman.
She takes it and says, £150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!
The vet says, well, it would have been 20 quid, but then there's the Lab report and the cat scan to pay for.......
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 27 October 2013, 11:54:31 pm
An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked.  The pigmy answered:  "Yes".
"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"
Don't blame me blame the Scotsman
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 28 October 2013, 10:10:44 pm
One of Shobbas best  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 29 October 2013, 11:58:05 pm
The fattest knight at King Arthur's court was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
 
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
 
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
 
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. The police are looking for a small medium at large.
 
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
A backward poet writes inverse.
 
In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
 
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
 
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
 
Definition of a will: a dead giveaway.
 
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 31 October 2013, 10:35:12 pm
Why old fellas don't get hired
 
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
 
Old fella: Honesty.
 
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
 
Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 31 October 2013, 11:19:34 pm
The nurse in A&E asked me if I could remember what happened,
All I could remember was being in a lift and this big busty lady got on.
I was staring at her breasts when she says "Press 1"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 14 November 2013, 04:36:12 pm
two piles of sick talking to each other in a pub car park?....one says"...looks familiar round here?..other one say,s why ?....ist one say,s...think i was bought up around here :rolleyes .....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 14 November 2013, 05:06:36 pm
knock on door halloween night"....little lad standing there?....hey up i said?..and who are you dressed up has?....little lad says?....irat...i said what was that?...he says irat"....oh you mean ...pirate??...he says yes irat"...you look a real good irat" too i say,s?...now where are your bucceneers"?....the little lad replies?....AT THE SIDE OF ME FKIN HEAD"...where did you think they was?? :\
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 14 November 2013, 11:35:47 pm
 :rollin
Why old fellas don't get hired
 
Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?
 
Old fella: Honesty.
 
Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a weakness.
 
Old fella: I don't give a shit what you think.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 14 November 2013, 11:46:38 pm
not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best  :lol
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lazarus on 16 November 2013, 10:22:47 am
not a joke , may have been posted before , but ???
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”
Trying my best  :lol


a bit like me signature ?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: richfzs on 16 November 2013, 10:29:52 am
Had it as my signature for a long time, back in the yucky days, might still now, can't see on the tablet!

It's a (loose) quote from hunter s. Thompson
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 16 November 2013, 10:33:43 am

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting “WOW, What a Ride!”


Exactly why I need a KTM 1290 SD R!  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Looney tune on 18 November 2013, 07:29:33 am
Spoke to a Chinese lady down in the village on Saturday, she says she is opening a shop that sells crows.
I said " don't you mean clothes "
She said " no, I mean crows "
I said " ok then, I'll pop in sometime for a rook "
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: CRH on 18 November 2013, 08:09:38 am
bloke in front of me in chippy asked for steak and kiddley pie" and chips"....woman behind counter said?..oh you mean "steak and kidney" pie!!....bloke says?....yea"...thats what i said?....."diddleye"... :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: midden on 18 November 2013, 09:17:09 am
must be in the delivery
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Looney tune on 21 November 2013, 06:29:48 pm
So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: TonyW on 21 November 2013, 06:57:33 pm
Two interesting facts about me.
    1) My erect knob is longer than two Argos pens held end to end
    2) I'm banned from every Argos in the country
 
 :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: codgie on 21 November 2013, 07:47:47 pm
So anal sex is now illegal in Iceland......... lucky for me the single mums I know don't shop there.....


that jokes tooo good for this section  :lol :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 22 November 2013, 05:56:06 pm
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.[/size]One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
[/color]
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 22 November 2013, 05:56:52 pm

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
 
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a hotel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 22 November 2013, 07:02:59 pm
[font=]Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:1) It is perfect formula for the child.2) It provides immunity against several diseases.3) It is always the right temperature.[/font][font=]
 
 4) It is inexpensive.[/font]
 
 5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
 
 6) It is always available as needed
 
 And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
 
 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
 
 He got an A.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Frosties on 23 November 2013, 01:28:39 pm
Have you heard about the guy who discovered he was gay and dyslexic? He is still in Daniel.

I'll get me coat........................
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 24 November 2013, 07:26:21 am
A bloke just knocked on my door, he was only about 3 feet tall,,  he said " i am the metre man"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 27 November 2013, 09:38:22 pm
Two crocs living by the Thames
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age,
We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s**t out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s**t
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcas
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 27 November 2013, 10:08:06 pm
You just can not win with women
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 01 December 2013, 09:18:11 am
(https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg)
The answer to all problems
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 01 December 2013, 09:48:21 am
(https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg)
The answer to all problems

@ Christo  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: ChristoT on 01 December 2013, 11:03:23 am
(https://scontent-b-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/p280x280/1457513_389976191104827_1169059286_n.jpg)
The answer to all problems

@ Christo  :lol

Oh dear... :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 01 December 2013, 07:57:31 pm
Had to happen  :lol :lol :lol
(https://scontent-a-mxp.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/q71/555898_692611817450030_895395405_n.jpg)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 03 December 2013, 06:22:30 am
FUCKING arseholes IM GONNA FIND YOU!!!!! I can't believe this has happened to me right on top of Christmas tooooo! I just got home to find all the windows wide open!! They've taken everything. it's all gone! Im waiting for the police! The dirty rotten thieving bastards. What kind of sick minded person would do that to another person? You are not human. You are low life scum!!!!!......­........That was my advent calender and you had no right to open it and eat all my chocolates
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 03 December 2013, 09:50:49 am
25 one liners from the late great Tommy Cooper.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dBfazer600 on 03 December 2013, 03:27:35 pm
I nearly bought this http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/281215965595 (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/281215965595)

Daz
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 03 December 2013, 05:59:39 pm
A friend of mine told me the story of when he threw a stick 5 miles, and his dog brought it back. I thought it was a bit far fetched myself.....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 03 December 2013, 08:20:07 pm
The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
 She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
 In a quiet voice he said,
 "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
 ...
 The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."
 
 He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 03 December 2013, 08:26:38 pm
Irish historians have discovered what they believe to be the headstone from the oldest man on record.
He was 193, and his name was Miles from Dublin....

2 Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine today. They are both in hospital - one is in a korma, the other has a dodgy tikka....
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 03 December 2013, 10:42:46 pm
He was in ecstasy.
A smile on his face as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards.
Forwards then backwards.

Back and forth, back and forth.
In and out, in and out.



Her heart was pounding faster, her face grew flushed.




She grunted, moaned, rolled her eyes, then finally let out an almighty scream.......













"I can't park this f*****g car! You do it, you smug b*****d!"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lawrence on 03 December 2013, 11:07:20 pm
Some good ones there  :rollin :rollin :rollin


I was walking to work when an old guy summoned me over to a garden.

“Pssstt,” he said. “Hey, boy, you see that rabbit hutch over there? If you go over and pull open the door, there’s a million pounds in there for you.”

 “Just pull open the door?” I said in disbelief.

 He replied, “Yes.”

I said, “There must be some sort of catch…”
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 04 December 2013, 08:30:05 pm
"I lost my job today" I told my friend. "I was downloading porn on the work computer and caused everything to crash."
"That's a bit harsh" he said.
"They don't f**k about at Air Traffic Control" I replied.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 04 December 2013, 08:39:49 pm
So.....A helicopter goes into a bar  :evil
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 04 December 2013, 08:45:05 pm
Glasgow police arrested a drunk who had climbed on to the roof of a pub intending to paint the words "Happy St. Andrews Day" in six foot letters. Fortunately, he only got as far as "H"  :evil :evil
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Looney tune on 05 December 2013, 08:21:59 am
My girlfriend has been at me for ages to knock a wall down to make the dinning room bigger. Now she's not happy with her dinning / toilet room !!


I used to play in a band called the broken satnavs, we didn't get far !!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 05 December 2013, 05:56:09 pm
That's a coincidence. I was in a band called the 999 megabytes. We were quite good, but we never made a gig.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: clayt74 on 05 December 2013, 06:14:03 pm
That's a coincidence. I was in a band called the 999 megabytes. We were quite good, but we never made a gig.
:rollin :rollin :rollin
Hehe that touched my inner geek!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 05 December 2013, 07:38:51 pm
*1023 megabytes ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 05 December 2013, 08:08:56 pm
*1023 megabytes ;)

 :rolleyes

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: NorthWestern on 05 December 2013, 08:16:44 pm
I thought I would make my racing snail lighter and handle better by removing its heavy shell. 




If anything it was more sluggish.


badabuoom tshhh


I.m here all week, try the veal etc
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 December 2013, 04:26:16 pm
Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya,  sure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Paddy replied and then reaching into his  tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands.  'Where'd yew git dat monster?'
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my  Genie.'
'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure.  It's right here in my tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see  him?'
 Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the  Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying  directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch BIC?'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 December 2013, 04:32:41 pm
*1023 megabytes ;)

 :rolleyes

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish  :lol
  :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 06 December 2013, 05:03:27 pm
A motorcyclist is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.  One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.  He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."  The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."   The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."   Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
 "Ten years!" he says.
 She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
 He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"
 Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"
 He replies, "Ten years!"
 She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
 He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
 Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"
 And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a Fazer 600 in there!"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: BBROWN1664 on 06 December 2013, 05:31:14 pm
So mourners gathering outside Nelson Mandela house. Thousands of people singing and partying. Delboy and Rodney are not happy.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 06 December 2013, 05:58:17 pm
*1023 megabytes ;)

 :rolleyes

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish  :lol
  :rollin

Erm....that's not actually a joke Lew...... ;)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 December 2013, 06:41:01 pm
So mourners gathering outside Nelson Mandela house. Thousands of people singing and partying. Delboy and Rodney are not happy.
Even the great man himself would have laughed at that, David Jason I mean.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 06 December 2013, 06:43:32 pm
*1023 megabytes ;)

 :rolleyes

Actually, even though I knew that, I didn't change the joke because it sounds better, still makes (joke) sense, and would be more understandable to non-geek types.

But sure, go ahead and tear it apart if you wish  :lol
  :rollin

Erm....that's not actually a joke Lew...... ;)
I know but thought you needed a bit of backup  :)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 06 December 2013, 08:00:25 pm
In the pub the other night, there was this big, fat bird at the bar.
So I walked over to her and said, "you're a big lass aren't you?"

"Tell me something I don't know" she said, with a tear in her eye.

"Salad tastes nice."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 07 December 2013, 09:16:48 am
I saw some dyslexic Africans yesterday. They were placing flowers at the doors of Nissan maindealers.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 07 December 2013, 09:46:14 am
My missus is doing an experiment .... She's wearing a Burka for a week to get people's reactions.

So far she's been kicked, punched and spat at.... fcuk knows whats going to happen when she leaves the house
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dead Eye on 07 December 2013, 10:26:15 am
"Nelson Mandela dies at 95" - respect where it's due...that's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: caretaker on 07 December 2013, 08:59:21 pm
a new zoo keeper starts work and is told to feed the birds but not to mix the feeds up as this could prove fatal. unfortunately, he gives parrot food to the rare south african finch and it dies. zookeeper panics, picks up the dead finch and throws it in to the lion cage to dispose of the evidence. next day, he is given the job of cleaning out the chimp enclosure. when his back was turned, some chimps nick his bottle of bleach and drink it between them, then promptly drop dead due to chemical poisoning. again the zookeeper throws them into the lion cage. next day he is given the task of gathering honey from the beehives but he doesnt put his suit on properly, gets stung and starts swiping at the bees buzzing around him. he swats them with his hand to stun them then stamps on them as they hit the floor, ending up with a pile of squashed bees. he sweeps them up and as usual, chucks them in the lion cage.  the following day a new lion is brought in as a mate to the old lion. the new lion walks up to the old feller and says "hello mate, i'm the new lion. whats the food like in here?" the old lion replies, "it's not bad. these last few days i've had finch, chimps and mushy bees."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 13 December 2013, 12:48:03 pm
First Christmas Joke                     
Three men died on Christmas Eve and                     were met by Saint Peter at the pearly                     gates.
'In                     honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each                     possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into                     heaven.'

The                     Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a                     lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he                     said.

'You                     may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter                     said.

The                     Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of                     keys. He shook them and said, 'They're                     bells.'

Saint                     Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly                     gates'.

The                     Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets                     and finally pulled out a pair of women's                     panties.

St.                     Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,                     'And just what do those                     symbolize?'

The                     paddy replied, 'These are                     Carols.'

And                     So The Christmas                   Season
Begins......
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 13 December 2013, 01:57:47 pm
One from Paul Sample  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 13 December 2013, 08:04:05 pm
What has 19 doors which are never open?

Nelson Mandela's Advent Calendar.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Captain Haddock on 16 December 2013, 07:24:10 pm
Just seen 300 dyslexic south africans mourning outside the nissan maindealer......

Note to self: read last page of jokes first...... :o
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Gary on 17 December 2013, 08:35:09 pm
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. [/size]"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny


 :rollin
[/color]
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 17 December 2013, 10:32:22 pm
It was Christmas Eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping in a   large Department Store, when the husband disappears. The women calls her   husbands mobile, "where are you?"  He replies, "Darling, do you remember that quaint little jewellery shop   we went into about 5 years ago and you fell in love with that  beautiful   drop diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, but I promised you one day I'd   buy it for you?" Her eyes filled with tears, "yes, I remember" she gulped. "Well, I'm in the Pub next door to that."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 18 December 2013, 08:47:51 am
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all
around my head, a hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous
Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say, 

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,

 

"Can I feel your tits, then?”
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 19 December 2013, 08:08:38 am
My kids have been taking the piss about my Althzymers..

They won't find it so funny on Christmas morning when they find there's no fucking eggs under the bonfire :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 19 December 2013, 12:07:05 pm
Another one from Paul Sample
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Yammi on 19 December 2013, 02:41:11 pm
So what if I can't spell armaggedon.

It's not the end of the world. Ö
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Ebme Geek on 19 December 2013, 02:54:05 pm
What happened to the Irish jelly fish ?
 
It set !!
 
   :rolleyes
 
Go on then,  get worse than that
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 24 December 2013, 03:31:52 pm
GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
 
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 25 December 2013, 08:27:11 am
Michael Barrymore said it's great news that Tom Daley is gay. He said, "It's great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Gary on 11 January 2014, 12:20:40 am
Johnny goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw. Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

Johnny jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Gary on 04 February 2014, 12:43:31 am
Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: midden on 04 February 2014, 01:28:34 am
Paddy goes to the chemist, reaches in to his pocket and brings out a bottle of Jamesons and a spoon.
He pours some of the contents onto the spoon and asks the chemist to taste it.
The chemist puts it in his mouth, swills it around then swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you says Paddy.
Not at all says the chemist.
That's a relief say's Paddy, the doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: midden on 04 February 2014, 01:36:40 am
The Police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body. They pulled back the sheet to reveal her face.
 "I can't be certain" I told them.
 The sheet went back a bit more to show her breasts.
"Sorry, but I'm still not sure"
Then they took the sheet completely off and I had a good look at her body.
"That's definitely not her officer" I said
 "Are you sure? replied the officer
"Yep, my wife's not black."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 04 February 2014, 10:54:51 am
My wife and her WeightWatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.
It was just like that famous film.

Gone in sixty seconds.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dcurzon on 04 February 2014, 01:56:12 pm
Ah doctor, is it bad? Give it to me straight- how long do I have left to live??

'10'

10? 10 what? 10 years, 10 months? 10 weeks??

'9'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: bigbluebear on 04 February 2014, 03:38:26 pm
Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.....you know Harry's going to be in it

Why did the seaman cross the road.......because it was my first wank in 2 months

Why didn't Eva Braun give Hitler a blowjob.....because it always left a Nazi taste in her mouth

You know you're watching too much porn when you go to hospital and expect a blowjob

Three Celtic fans walk into a bar....a priest, a poof and a paedophile.......and that was just the first one

Nintendo have brought out some new games for Scottish children...Wii Shite, Wii bastard and Wii Fucker
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: maddog04 on 06 February 2014, 10:35:01 am
I'll tell you who's a bit of a dark horse
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
black beauty :'(
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Drax on 06 February 2014, 07:44:39 pm
This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. 
 
 'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. 
 
 The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'. 
 
 The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking 
 manager of this b*stard place?' 
 
 'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'. 
 
 'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager. 
 
 'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.' 
 'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?' 
 
 'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard. 
 
 'That's superb. What's it called?' 
 
 'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke. 
 
 The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard. 
 
 'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?' 
 
 'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls 
 Caught In The Soap Drawer'. 
 
 The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any 
 romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager. 
 
 'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke. 
 
 The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. 
 
 This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. 
 
 She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin. 
 
 The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 
 
 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' 
 
 He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and 
 whispers in his ear, 
 
 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?' 
 
 'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Exupnut on 06 February 2014, 09:30:18 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha.... Foccin genius..
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: noggythenog on 06 February 2014, 09:40:41 pm
 :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lazarus on 07 February 2014, 11:41:32 am
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Lazarus on 07 February 2014, 11:42:46 am
You may have seen this before. This was an actual phonecall from a guest to room service. It takes place at some hotel in Austria (I think...)! It's so funny! And without farther ado. I give you.... Tenjuberrymud!

Tenjuberrymud

Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service."
RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig we
bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.
Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: lew600fazer on 10 February 2014, 11:41:19 pm
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.*
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'


Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes! We could have been here ten years ago!'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 22 February 2014, 12:02:28 pm
I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.  :b
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 22 February 2014, 12:07:20 pm
I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.

Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Gary on 05 March 2014, 07:15:39 pm
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: demic77 on 05 March 2014, 08:25:15 pm
"What do we want!?"


"A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!!"


"When do we want it!?"


"CUNT!!!"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 06 March 2014, 10:01:35 pm
While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: snapper on 06 March 2014, 10:20:16 pm
 :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 11 March 2014, 09:11:02 pm
The Original Sin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 11 March 2014, 09:22:08 pm
The Original Sin

 :lol

Reminds me of the BC cartoon series - anyone remember those?
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 12 March 2014, 10:05:37 am
"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No." I said.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: richfzs on 31 March 2014, 11:05:21 pm
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???".

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Hedgetrimmer on 08 April 2014, 07:57:22 pm
Wanna hear a joke about a dead celebrity? Honest, it's a peach....
 
 
And I'm disappointed to not hear anymore jokes about the missing aeroplane - it seems to have fallen right off the radar  :rolleyes
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 24 April 2014, 10:29:37 pm
A man and his wife are lying in bed when there,s a loud knock on the door,the man opens his bedroom window and shouts "what the hell do you want at this time of the night its 3 o,clock in the morning" a voice calls back "could you give me a push please"? the man shouts back down"NO,I F##KING CANT,NOW P#SS OFF AND LET US SLEEP" then gets back into bed.

[/color]His wife say to him "that was a bit harsh on him love,you never know when you may need some help off someone yourself.The man thinks on it for a while,and says "yes,your right love i,ll go and sort him out" the man wearily trudges downstairs and opens his front door,he then calls out to the stranger "HELLO, WHERE ABOUT ARE YOU MATE" a voice calls back.........................i,m over here on the swings!!!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 24 April 2014, 10:31:49 pm
[/size]Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,[/color][/size][/font]

[/size]And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"[/color][/size]Barbara always replied,[/color][/size]"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"[/color][/size]One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"[/color][/size]To this, Barbara replied,[/color][/size]"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"[/color][/size]The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.[/color][/size]I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "[/color][/size]Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.[/color][/size]The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.[/color][/size]He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,[/color][/size]But still not a word...[/color][/size]When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.[/color][/size]I'm impressed!"[/color][/size]Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,[/color][/size]But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!" [/color]
[/size][/color]
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 24 April 2014, 10:36:48 pm
aligator
aligator
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: slimwilly on 24 April 2014, 10:40:30 pm
t shoirt
t shoirt
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 27 April 2014, 08:04:25 pm
One of my favourite Abbot and Costello clips Abbott & Costello Who's On First (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTcRRaXV-fg#)  :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 27 April 2014, 09:41:26 pm
ROFL! A classic :D
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: mark on 27 April 2014, 10:21:21 pm
They say that it does no harm whatsoever to give your wife and kids a little smack if they deserve it.


I'm not sure that Bob Geldof would strictly agree with that!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 12 December 2017, 09:11:22 pm
https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dudeofrude on 12 December 2017, 09:56:04 pm
https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg

Gotta be an award for reprising the oldest thread 🕸🕸👴 haha
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 12 December 2017, 11:59:41 pm
Did notice that, but this seemed to be the correct thread for jokes.

Just read the whole thing from the start: glad to see that there are not too many restrictions on the content. :D
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 13 December 2017, 12:50:54 am
A De Havilland Otter hits a Canadian mountain. Rex is thrown clear of the wreck in his carry-cot, but his nurse and everyone else, perish. After a while a she-wolf, hearing him crying, drags the cot to her den.
 
For eight years Rex lives with a pack of timber wolves. He walks on all fours, hunts caribou, eats raw meat, and howls at the moon. But one day a trapper is amazed to discover him caught in a snare. He takes Rex back to civilization, and soon he is reunited with his family in London, England.
 
Being a bright lad, Rex quickly learns to walk upright and talk. He does so well at school that he attends university where he graduates with a first class honors degree. He then goes to medical college for five years to qualify as a surgeon. He is just about to take up a post at Saint Barts Hospital, London, but, unfortunately, he is run-over while chasing a Ford Mondeo down the Old Kent Road.
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 09:39:30 am
A Scotsman walks into a dentist practice and enquires about the cost of having a tooth extracted, the dentist replies ‘that will be £210’, the Scotsman sucks in air rapidly and says ‘my my that’s far to much, how much would it cost if a junior dentist were to pull the tooth?’ The dentist replied ‘that would be £160’ the Scotsman said ‘now that’s a lot better but it’s still too much money how about if the apprentice did the work’, the dentist replied that it was not the usual practice for the apprentice to do extractions, but the Scot said oh that’s ok I don’t mind at all, so the dentist agreed and said that the cost would now be £95, Yes that more like it said the Scot, now how much would it be if you were to pull the tooth without any anaesthetic. To this the dentist replied that would be incredibly painful, Auch! Said the Scot ‘the pain is no a worry how much?’ The dentist said the if the apprentice did the extraction with no anaesthetic the cost would be £55-00, that great said the Scotsman can you book the wife in for tomorrow morning.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 09:42:32 am
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.
While they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker said you can have her body shipped home for £5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it for a minute and said that he wanted her body shipped home to England.
The Undertaker asked why he would do that and spend £5,000 to have her shipped home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only £150.
The man replied ‘About 2,000 years a man died here, and was buried and on the third day rose again from the dead.
 I just can not take that chance.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 09:45:19 am
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
 
 "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
 this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
 least 5 pounds."
 
 When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
 POUNDS!
 
 "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
 
 The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
 
 "From hunger, you mean?"
 
 "No, from the foccing skippin", the Irishman said
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 09:52:29 am
THE REV HAROLD KNIGHT.
 THE RESCUE MISSION,
 195, ELLIOT ROAD,
 CAMBERWELL GREEN,
 CAMBERWELL,
 LONDON. W1C.
 
Dear Sharpie, (Fazersharp)

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nation-wide campaign, in the cause of temperance. Each year for the last fourteen, I have made a tour of Scotland, England and Wales, and have
delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking and drugs.
On these tours I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant,
 by the name of Raymond Powell.
 
 Raymond a young man of good family and excellent background, a bit like yourself, but is a pathetic
 example of a life ruined by the excessive indulgence in gin, pot and women.
 
 Raymond would appear with me at the lecture and sit on the platform, wheezing
 and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating
 profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene gestures, while
 I would point him out as an example of what drinking etc. can do to a person.
 
 Last summer, unfortunately, Raymond died. A mutual friend has given me your name

and I wonder if you would care to take Raymond's place on my next tour?
 
 Yours in the Faith,
 
 Rev Harold Knight
 Rescue Mission

 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 10:01:59 am
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
 
 A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
 
 And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking Out of his torn coat pocket.
 
 He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 
 After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
 
 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
 
 The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with Cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,

contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes And lack of a bath.
 
 The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned.
 
Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.
 
 The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

'I'm very sorry he said, I didn't mean to be unkind by being judgemental.
How long Have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
 
 I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 10:07:04 am
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get that trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?"
I lied about my age", Bob replies.
What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was over 90."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 10:11:23 am
A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body can increase up 3 or 4 times it's normal size when stimulated?"
There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says, "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will give you the sack!
The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"
One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says, "The part of the body that increases in its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says, "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day when you are a grown up you're going to be very very very disappointed."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 10:18:38 am
Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 13 December 2017, 10:28:47 am
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:



 


> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
 
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: agricola on 13 December 2017, 05:36:41 pm
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:



 


> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."


 :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 07 February 2018, 12:26:11 pm
The Honourable judge sir James Barker opens the crown court hearing by reading out the indictments.

"Henry Adrian Jones, you are charged that on the twenty-sixth of December in the year two-thousand and seventeen you did beat your wife, Heather Anne Jones, to death with seven blows to the head from a ball-pane hammer."
 
From the public gallery, a short middle-aged Brummie wearing an anorak shouts at the defendant,

"You bastard!"

 
The judge pauses before proceeding.

"You are further charged that on the same day you did beat your mother-in-law, Barbra Jane Heston to death with the said hammer."
 
The Brummie again yells out,

"You bastard!"
 
After glaring at the public gallery the judge continues,

"You are also charged with causing grievous bodily harm in that on the following day you did attack police constable, David George Downs also with the said hammer."
 
Once more the Brummie yells out,

"You bastard!"
 
Sir James Barker raps his gravel on the bench and addresses the Brummie.

"I can empathise with your feeling of anger and disgust at these vicious killings and attacks, but I will have no more interruptions to the proceedings. I must caution you that any more outbursts and I will have the usher escort you from the court. Is that understood?"
 
"I'm sorry, your lordship, but I got so angry about what you have just read out. For fifteen years, I've lived next door to Henry, and every time I've asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: celticbiker on 07 February 2018, 08:43:02 pm
Went to the new midget restaurant in Cardiff the other day. Took ages to get served, can't be too annoyed though as they were obviously short staffed.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 08 February 2018, 12:38:43 am
Siamese twins walk into a Baton Rouge bar and sit on a stool. One of them says to the bartender,

"Two beers. Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, makes polite conversation while getting the beers out of the cooler.

"Have you guys been on vacation yet?"

"We fly to England next month, driving from Lands' End to John o' Groats in a rental auto- we go every year don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the barman. "Wonderful country- the history, the architecture, the beer."

"Nah, we don't like England much and we can't stand the beer."

"So why go to England then?" asks the barman.

"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."
 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 20 February 2018, 11:50:29 pm
This:

http://www.yamahafz1oa.com/forum/showthread.php?t=145004 (http://www.yamahafz1oa.com/forum/showthread.php?t=145004)
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: stet on 26 February 2018, 09:03:29 pm
Paddy is suffering from constipation so he sees his doctor.

The doctor gives him a suppository and tells him to put it in his back passage.

A week later Paddy goes back to the doctor who asked him if he has followed his instructions.
 
Paddy replies,
"I don’t have a back passage in my house so I put it in the hall, but I might as well have stuck it up my arse for all the good it did."
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: DILLIGAFF on 05 March 2018, 12:14:17 pm
A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says "Wow we don't see many weasels in here. What would you like?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 17 March 2018, 12:56:51 am
I was going to donate blood today but they ask too many questions.

Like "Whose is this blood, and where did you get it?"


Anyway, donate one kidney and you're a hero.

Donate five and the Police want to talk to you...

 :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: HarryHornby on 17 March 2018, 07:36:40 am
What's red and bad for your teeth.......................






























A House brick!  :rollin
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Grahamm on 17 March 2018, 07:49:56 pm
As well as expelling Russian Diplomats, the British Government have expelled the bottom man in a Human Pyramid Act.

They don't have Oleg to stand on.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: dazza on 17 March 2018, 09:39:18 pm
I went to see a faith healer last night.
He was rubbish.
Even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Oldgit on 19 March 2018, 11:27:32 am

Manchester United turned down  a 48 million shirt sponsorship deal from a dog food manufacturer stating that "Winalot" on the new shirt would put them under even more pressure.

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 19 March 2018, 04:46:00 pm

Manchester United turned down  a 48 million shirt sponsorship deal from a dog food manufacturer stating that "Winalot" on the new shirt would put them under even more pressure.




LOL! I love it.


When I say I love it I don't mean Winalot, I am a Pedigree Chum man everyday 
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robbo on 19 March 2018, 07:00:15 pm
Took my wife to the doctors today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 19 March 2018, 09:22:50 pm
Took my wife to the doctors today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.


There you are we were right. :eek
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 20 March 2018, 03:08:34 pm
Not a joke but very cleaver and funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKeqaDSjy98
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robbo on 20 March 2018, 05:33:44 pm
Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game, have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: YamFazFan on 20 March 2018, 07:26:05 pm
Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game, have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.

 :lol
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robbo on 23 March 2018, 06:44:46 pm
Asked the doctor "Do you think I'l lead a long and healthy life", he replied " I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now", I said " I don't go in for all that astrology nonsense", he replied "Neither do I but my thermometer just broke".
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Jamieg285 on 26 March 2018, 01:29:35 pm
The doctor asked if any of my family suffer from mental health issues.

I said, "No, they all seem to enjoy it".
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: mtread on 16 July 2018, 07:35:21 pm
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: DILLIGAFF on 22 July 2018, 08:49:40 am
A guy takes his reluctant married friend out for a few beers. The friend says "Listen. Don't get me pissed cos last time I threw up all down my shirt and the wife gave me such a bollocking when I got home"
Inevitably it turns into a session and, also inevitably, the friend barfs up all down his shirt again.
"Now look at the messsh I'm in, hows am I gonna exshplain thish to the wife?"
Easy says his mate. Just put a ten pound note in your shirt pocket and say it was the bloke standing next to you at the bar and he gave you a tenner to have your shirt cleaned.
All goes well till he staggers back home and gives his story to the missus.
She is very sceptical and checks his shirt pocket for the money only to find a £20 note. "So how do you explain this?" she demands.

"Eashy" says the shame faced hubby....................................... "He shit me pants as well"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: darrsi on 25 January 2019, 05:48:35 am
A man was driving down the M5 about 3am doing 100mph when he gets pulled over by the police. The officer says in a thick west country accent "do you realise sir how dangerous it is to drive at such a high speeds on this motorway"? The driver protests "it's 3am officer there's nobody else on the road I just want to get home" The copper says "you think its clear and safe but what if you had come round that bend sir and come across Mr fog"? The man smiles and says smugly "I would simply put Mr foot, on Mr brake" The copper growls "I SAID MIST, OR FOG"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: coffee on 26 January 2019, 08:24:40 pm
Bloke with a speech impediment goes to a faith healer,"cathu mak mmi sthpeak propa ?" "go behind the curtain my son and wait" then another chap comes in on crutches "can you make me walk properly,please?"go behind the curtain my son and wait" then the faith healer says "now the man who can't walk properly,cast away your crutches and walk,and the man who can't speak ,speak with eloquence" after a few seconds there's a thump and groaning,"heeth forlan ova"!
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robbo on 26 January 2019, 09:39:27 pm
A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a very dark alley. He asks "How much for full sex?",  "£20" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business. Next minute a copper appears and shines his torch in their faces. "What's going on here then?", he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife", "Sorry sir" apologises the copper, "I didn't know it was your wife".
Paddy shouts "Neither did I until you shone your fuckin torch in her face".
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: coffee on 30 January 2019, 08:58:54 pm
After the driver of a bus commented how ugly he thought her baby was,she went fuming down the bus and on sitting down exclaimed to the bloke next to her "that fucking driver has just really insulted me!" "well,go and give him a piece of your mind!go on,I'll look after your monkey 'till you come back"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: tommyardin on 30 January 2019, 09:41:29 pm
Made me smile
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: celticdog on 30 January 2019, 10:16:48 pm
Made me smile


Nice one Tommy, I'm sure she looks familiar now you mention it . . .
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: robbo on 30 January 2019, 10:19:28 pm
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks"Why do you keep beating her?".
Paddy replies "I think it must be my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: celticdog on 31 January 2019, 07:37:39 am
"Is that the Bally-more Echo?" asks Paddy.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Paddy before slamming the phone down.
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Tippon on 17 February 2019, 11:46:44 pm
A couple of old ones for you old foccers  :lol



An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.....  I just sit around and listen to the conversations..... I've changed my will three times!'
 


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
 


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
 


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..        After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Oldgit on 18 February 2019, 11:26:59 am
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: coffee on 18 February 2019, 04:42:50 pm
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke






Too right  :z
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Dudeofrude on 18 February 2019, 07:46:59 pm
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke

I don't even bother with the BBC shite version anymore. I stick to The Grand Tour. Same old idiotic, mildy racist, sexist and homophobic Clarkson and crew still make for an entertaining hours viewing
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: Tippon on 01 March 2019, 07:16:21 pm

A man with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach sunbathing when the two most beautiful women he'd ever seen set out their towels just a few feet away. The women smiled at the man and kept winking at him while oiling each other's bodies. After a while the women approached the man and asked him


'Have you ever seen naked breasts before?'


To which the man shyly shook his head no. The women removed their bikini tops, exposing their stunning bodies to the shocked man. He couldn't believe his luck.


'Have you ever kissed two women?' they asked next.


After a nervous gulp, the man replied, no, he hadn't.


The two women gave the man the longest, most sensual kisses he'd ever experienced in his life. This was the best day he'd ever experienced, it couldn't get much better.


One of the women leaned down and whispered breathily in his ear


'Have you ever been screwed?'


To which the man replied 'No'


'Well, you are now, the tide's coming in!'
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: unfazed on 02 March 2019, 05:57:45 pm
Enjoy
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: coffee on 09 March 2019, 09:35:40 pm
couple decide to have a session in the garden after dark,after a bit the bloke says,"I wish I had a torch" "so do I",said his girlfriend "you've been licking that slug for the last ten minutes"
Title: Re: Just a joke
Post by: noggythenog on 09 March 2019, 10:01:07 pm

Just heard that Mr Whippy has been found dead


a flake was lodged up  his arse


strawberry sauce was observed from his head


hundreds and thousands lay scattered everywhere


Police speculate that he topped himself...……..