Date: 25-05-19  Time: 18:02 PM

Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 37049 times)

robbo

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #275 on: 23 March 2018, 06:44:46 PM »
Asked the doctor "Do you think I'l lead a long and healthy life", he replied " I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now", I said " I don't go in for all that astrology nonsense", he replied "Neither do I but my thermometer just broke".

Jamieg285

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #276 on: 26 March 2018, 01:29:35 PM »
The doctor asked if any of my family suffer from mental health issues.

I said, "No, they all seem to enjoy it".

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #277 on: 16 July 2018, 07:35:21 PM »
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

DILLIGAFF


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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #278 on: 22 July 2018, 08:49:40 AM »
A guy takes his reluctant married friend out for a few beers. The friend says "Listen. Don't get me pissed cos last time I threw up all down my shirt and the wife gave me such a bollocking when I got home"
Inevitably it turns into a session and, also inevitably, the friend barfs up all down his shirt again.
"Now look at the messsh I'm in, hows am I gonna exshplain thish to the wife?"
Easy says his mate. Just put a ten pound note in your shirt pocket and say it was the bloke standing next to you at the bar and he gave you a tenner to have your shirt cleaned.
All goes well till he staggers back home and gives his story to the missus.
She is very sceptical and checks his shirt pocket for the money only to find a £20 note. "So how do you explain this?" she demands.

"Eashy" says the shame faced hubby....................................... "He shit me pants as well"
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!

darrsi

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #279 on: 25 January 2019, 05:48:35 AM »
A man was driving down the M5 about 3am doing 100mph when he gets pulled over by the police. The officer says in a thick west country accent "do you realise sir how dangerous it is to drive at such a high speeds on this motorway"? The driver protests "it's 3am officer there's nobody else on the road I just want to get home" The copper says "you think its clear and safe but what if you had come round that bend sir and come across Mr fog"? The man smiles and says smugly "I would simply put Mr foot, on Mr brake" The copper growls "I SAID MIST, OR FOG"
More people are born because of alcohol than will ever die from it.

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #280 on: 26 January 2019, 08:24:40 PM »
Bloke with a speech impediment goes to a faith healer,"cathu mak mmi sthpeak propa ?" "go behind the curtain my son and wait" then another chap comes in on crutches "can you make me walk properly,please?"go behind the curtain my son and wait" then the faith healer says "now the man who can't walk properly,cast away your crutches and walk,and the man who can't speak ,speak with eloquence" after a few seconds there's a thump and groaning,"heeth forlan ova"!
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

robbo

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #281 on: 26 January 2019, 09:39:27 PM »
A very drunk Paddy met a prostitute up a very dark alley. He asks "How much for full sex?",  "£20" she replies.
"Ok" says Paddy and they get down to business. Next minute a copper appears and shines his torch in their faces. "What's going on here then?", he asks.
"Nothing officer I'm just having sex with my wife", "Sorry sir" apologises the copper, "I didn't know it was your wife".
Paddy shouts "Neither did I until you shone your fuckin torch in her face".

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #282 on: 30 January 2019, 08:58:54 PM »
After the driver of a bus commented how ugly he thought her baby was,she went fuming down the bus and on sitting down exclaimed to the bloke next to her "that fucking driver has just really insulted me!" "well,go and give him a piece of your mind!go on,I'll look after your monkey 'till you come back"
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #283 on: 30 January 2019, 09:41:29 PM »
Made me smile

celticdog

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #284 on: 30 January 2019, 10:16:48 PM »
Made me smile


Nice one Tommy, I'm sure she looks familiar now you mention it . . .
Treat everything in life the way a dog would- if you can't eat it or foc it, forget it.

robbo

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #285 on: 30 January 2019, 10:19:28 PM »
Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The judge asks"Why do you keep beating her?".
Paddy replies "I think it must be my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork".

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #286 on: 31 January 2019, 07:37:39 AM »
"Is that the Bally-more Echo?" asks Paddy.
"How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?"
"Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?"
"A ten-foot ladder," said Paddy before slamming the phone down.
Treat everything in life the way a dog would- if you can't eat it or foc it, forget it.

Tippon

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #287 on: 17 February 2019, 11:46:44 PM »
A couple of old ones for you old foccers  :lol



An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.....  I just sit around and listen to the conversations..... I've changed my will three times!'
 


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
 


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and, after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'what is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
 


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
 


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
 


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
 


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..        After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Oldgit

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #288 on: 18 February 2019, 11:26:59 AM »
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke

coffee

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #289 on: 18 February 2019, 04:42:50 PM »
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke






Too right  :z
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #290 on: 18 February 2019, 07:46:59 PM »
Top Gear--now that is a F***** Joke

I don't even bother with the BBC shite version anymore. I stick to The Grand Tour. Same old idiotic, mildy racist, sexist and homophobic Clarkson and crew still make for an entertaining hours viewing

Tippon

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #291 on: 01 March 2019, 07:16:21 PM »

A man with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach sunbathing when the two most beautiful women he'd ever seen set out their towels just a few feet away. The women smiled at the man and kept winking at him while oiling each other's bodies. After a while the women approached the man and asked him


'Have you ever seen naked breasts before?'


To which the man shyly shook his head no. The women removed their bikini tops, exposing their stunning bodies to the shocked man. He couldn't believe his luck.


'Have you ever kissed two women?' they asked next.


After a nervous gulp, the man replied, no, he hadn't.


The two women gave the man the longest, most sensual kisses he'd ever experienced in his life. This was the best day he'd ever experienced, it couldn't get much better.


One of the women leaned down and whispered breathily in his ear


'Have you ever been screwed?'


To which the man replied 'No'


'Well, you are now, the tide's coming in!'

unfazed

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #292 on: 02 March 2019, 05:57:45 PM »
Enjoy
« Last Edit: 02 March 2019, 06:01:33 PM by unfazed »

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #293 on: 09 March 2019, 09:35:40 PM »
couple decide to have a session in the garden after dark,after a bit the bloke says,"I wish I had a torch" "so do I",said his girlfriend "you've been licking that slug for the last ten minutes"
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

noggythenog

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #294 on: 09 March 2019, 10:01:07 PM »

Just heard that Mr Whippy has been found dead


a flake was lodged up  his arse


strawberry sauce was observed from his head


hundreds and thousands lay scattered everywhere


Police speculate that he topped himself...……..
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