Date: 16-11-18  Time: 10:06 AM

Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 33973 times)

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #250 on: 13 December 2017, 09:45:19 AM »
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
 
 "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
 this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
 least 5 pounds."
 
 When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60
 POUNDS!
 
 "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
 
 The Irishman nodded... "I'll tell you though I t'aut I was going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
 
 "From hunger, you mean?"
 
 "No, from the foccing skippin", the Irishman said
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #251 on: 13 December 2017, 09:52:29 AM »
THE REV HAROLD KNIGHT.
 THE RESCUE MISSION,
 195, ELLIOT ROAD,
 CAMBERWELL GREEN,
 CAMBERWELL,
 LONDON. W1C.
 
Dear Sharpie, (Fazersharp)

Perhaps you have heard of me and my nation-wide campaign, in the cause of temperance. Each year for the last fourteen, I have made a tour of Scotland, England and Wales, and have
delivered a series of lectures on the evils of drinking and drugs.
On these tours I have been accompanied by a young friend and assistant,
 by the name of Raymond Powell.
 
 Raymond a young man of good family and excellent background, a bit like yourself, but is a pathetic
 example of a life ruined by the excessive indulgence in gin, pot and women.
 
 Raymond would appear with me at the lecture and sit on the platform, wheezing
 and staring at the audience through bleary, bloodshot eyes, sweating
 profusely, picking his nose, passing wind and making obscene gestures, while
 I would point him out as an example of what drinking etc. can do to a person.
 
 Last summer, unfortunately, Raymond died. A mutual friend has given me your name

and I wonder if you would care to take Raymond's place on my next tour?
 
 Yours in the Faith,
 
 Rev Harold Knight
 Rescue Mission

 
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #252 on: 13 December 2017, 10:01:59 AM »
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
 
 A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
 
 And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking Out of his torn coat pocket.
 
 He opened his newspaper and began reading.
 
 After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
 
 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
 
 The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with Cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol,

contempt for your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes And lack of a bath.
 
 The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned.
 
Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.
 
 The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

'I'm very sorry he said, I didn't mean to be unkind by being judgemental.
How long Have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.
 
 I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #253 on: 13 December 2017, 10:07:04 AM »
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get that trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her
to marry you?"
I lied about my age", Bob replies.
What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was over 90."
« Last Edit: 13 December 2017, 10:12:32 AM by tommyardin »
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #254 on: 13 December 2017, 10:11:23 AM »
A teacher was taking his class of 12 year olds, and he asks them "Can anyone tell me what part of the body can increase up 3 or 4 times it's normal size when stimulated?"
There is silence from the class, so he asks the question again. One little girl called Mary stands up and says, "You shouldn't be asking questions like that to your class. I think it's very horrible and I'm telling my parents who will tell the head master and he will give you the sack!
The teacher ignores her out burst and carries on, "Can anyone tell me the answer?"
One boy, Timmy, raises his hand and says, "The part of the body that increases in its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
"Very good Timmy" the teacher replies. He then turns to Mary and says, "I only have three things to say to you young lady. One, you have a dirty mind. Two, if you did your homework you would have known the answer, and Three, one day when you are a grown up you're going to be very very very disappointed."
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #255 on: 13 December 2017, 10:18:38 AM »
Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between £499.00 and £699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #256 on: 13 December 2017, 10:28:47 AM »
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:



 


> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
 
 
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

agricola

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #257 on: 13 December 2017, 05:36:41 PM »
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure,
who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
 
 
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsbury's.  He surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting
woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

 
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:



 


> > > > > > > > (It's a beauty)



> > > > > > > > (wait for it)



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."


 :rollin

stet

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #258 on: 07 February 2018, 12:26:11 PM »
The Honourable judge sir James Barker opens the crown court hearing by reading out the indictments.

"Henry Adrian Jones, you are charged that on the twenty-sixth of December in the year two-thousand and seventeen you did beat your wife, Heather Anne Jones, to death with seven blows to the head from a ball-pane hammer."
 
From the public gallery, a short middle-aged Brummie wearing an anorak shouts at the defendant,

"You bastard!"

 
The judge pauses before proceeding.

"You are further charged that on the same day you did beat your mother-in-law, Barbra Jane Heston to death with the said hammer."
 
The Brummie again yells out,

"You bastard!"
 
After glaring at the public gallery the judge continues,

"You are also charged with causing grievous bodily harm in that on the following day you did attack police constable, David George Downs also with the said hammer."
 
Once more the Brummie yells out,

"You bastard!"
 
Sir James Barker raps his gravel on the bench and addresses the Brummie.

"I can empathise with your feeling of anger and disgust at these vicious killings and attacks, but I will have no more interruptions to the proceedings. I must caution you that any more outbursts and I will have the usher escort you from the court. Is that understood?"
 
"I'm sorry, your lordship, but I got so angry about what you have just read out. For fifteen years, I've lived next door to Henry, and every time I've asked him if I could borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

celticbiker

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #259 on: 07 February 2018, 08:43:02 PM »
Went to the new midget restaurant in Cardiff the other day. Took ages to get served, can't be too annoyed though as they were obviously short staffed.
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stet

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #260 on: 08 February 2018, 12:38:43 AM »
Siamese twins walk into a Baton Rouge bar and sit on a stool. One of them says to the bartender,

"Two beers. Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, makes polite conversation while getting the beers out of the cooler.

"Have you guys been on vacation yet?"

"We fly to England next month, driving from Lands' End to John o' Groats in a rental auto- we go every year don't we, Jim?"

Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the barman. "Wonderful country- the history, the architecture, the beer."

"Nah, we don't like England much and we can't stand the beer."

"So why go to England then?" asks the barman.

"It's the only time Jim gets to drive."
 

stet

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #261 on: 20 February 2018, 11:50:29 PM »

stet

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #262 on: 26 February 2018, 09:03:29 PM »
Paddy is suffering from constipation so he sees his doctor.

The doctor gives him a suppository and tells him to put it in his back passage.

A week later Paddy goes back to the doctor who asked him if he has followed his instructions.
 
Paddy replies,
"I don’t have a back passage in my house so I put it in the hall, but I might as well have stuck it up my arse for all the good it did."

DILLIGAFF


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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #263 on: 05 March 2018, 12:14:17 PM »
A weasel walks into a bar and the barman says "Wow we don't see many weasels in here. What would you like?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!

Grahamm

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #264 on: 17 March 2018, 12:56:51 AM »
I was going to donate blood today but they ask too many questions.

Like "Whose is this blood, and where did you get it?"


Anyway, donate one kidney and you're a hero.

Donate five and the Police want to talk to you...

 :lol

HarryHornby

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #265 on: 17 March 2018, 07:36:40 AM »
What's red and bad for your teeth.......................






























A House brick!  :rollin
Money doesn't buy happiness, but it buys beer, and that helps!

Grahamm

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #266 on: 17 March 2018, 07:49:56 PM »
As well as expelling Russian Diplomats, the British Government have expelled the bottom man in a Human Pyramid Act.

They don't have Oleg to stand on.

dazza

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #267 on: 17 March 2018, 09:39:18 PM »
I went to see a faith healer last night.
He was rubbish.
Even a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #268 on: 19 March 2018, 11:27:32 AM »

Manchester United turned down  a 48 million shirt sponsorship deal from a dog food manufacturer stating that "Winalot" on the new shirt would put them under even more pressure.


tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #269 on: 19 March 2018, 04:46:00 PM »

Manchester United turned down  a 48 million shirt sponsorship deal from a dog food manufacturer stating that "Winalot" on the new shirt would put them under even more pressure.




LOL! I love it.


When I say I love it I don't mean Winalot, I am a Pedigree Chum man everyday 
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

robbo

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #270 on: 19 March 2018, 07:00:15 PM »
Took my wife to the doctors today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #271 on: 19 March 2018, 09:22:50 PM »
Took my wife to the doctors today about her tourettes. Apparently she doesn't have it, I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.


There you are we were right. :eek
I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

tommyardin

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #272 on: 20 March 2018, 03:08:34 PM »
Not a joke but very cleaver and funny

I spent half my life getting drunk and chasing pussy, the other half I just wasted.

robbo

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #273 on: 20 March 2018, 05:33:44 PM »
Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game, have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #274 on: 20 March 2018, 07:26:05 PM »
Police investigating a 50p coin thrown at the directors at a recent West Ham game, have discovered it was in fact a takeover bid.

 :lol
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.