Just a joke

[lew600fazer]

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.*
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully
stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment
when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.' Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again'


Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your bloody Bran Flakes! We could have been here ten years ago!'

[darrsi]

I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall. 

[darrsi]

I watched curling for a few hours today and I must say I found it very boring.

Plus the women kept giving me funny looks through the hairdressers window.

[Gary]

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.............................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.............................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.............................................................................
The last is always best
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[demic77]

"What do we want!?"


"A CURE FOR TOURETTES!!!"


"When do we want it!?"


"CUNT!!!"

[darrsi]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[snapper]

 

[unfazed]

The Original Sin

[Hedgetrimmer]

The Original Sin

 

Reminds me of the BC cartoon series - anyone remember those?

[darrsi]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." my boss told me.

"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009." I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No." I said.

[richfzs]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???".

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Hedgetrimmer]

Wanna hear a joke about a dead celebrity? Honest, it's a peach....
 
 
And I'm disappointed to not hear anymore jokes about the missing aeroplane - it seems to have fallen right off the radar 

[slimwilly]

A man and his wife are lying in bed when there,s a loud knock on the door,the man opens his bedroom window and shouts "what the hell do you want at this time of the night its 3 o,clock in the morning" a voice calls back "could you give me a push please"? the man shouts back down"NO,I F##KING CANT,NOW P#SS OFF AND LET US SLEEP" then gets back into bed.

[/color]His wife say to him "that was a bit harsh on him love,you never know when you may need some help off someone yourself.The man thinks on it for a while,and says "yes,your right love i,ll go and sort him out" the man wearily trudges downstairs and opens his front door,he then calls out to the stranger "HELLO, WHERE ABOUT ARE YOU MATE" a voice calls back.........................i,m over here on the swings!!!

[slimwilly]

[/size]Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year,[/color][/size][/font]

[/size]And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"[/color][/size]Barbara always replied,[/color][/size]"I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!"[/color][/size]One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"[/color][/size]To this, Barbara replied,[/color][/size]"Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid"[/color][/size]The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal.[/color][/size]I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. "[/color][/size]Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went.[/color][/size]The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.[/color][/size]He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,[/color][/size]But still not a word...[/color][/size]When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.[/color][/size]I'm impressed!"[/color][/size]Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out,[/color][/size]But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!" [/color]
[/size][/color]

[slimwilly]

Details aligator

aligator

[slimwilly]

Details t shoirt

t shoirt

[unfazed]

One of my favourite Abbot and Costello clips

Abbott & Costello Who's On First

 

[Grahamm]

ROFL! A classic

[mark]

They say that it does no harm whatsoever to give your wife and kids a little smack if they deserve it.


I'm not sure that Bob Geldof would strictly agree with that!

[stet]

https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg

[Dudeofrude]

https://youtu.be/hRNHnN91SCg

Gotta be an award for reprising the oldest thread 🕸🕸👴 haha

[stet]

Did notice that, but this seemed to be the correct thread for jokes.

Just read the whole thing from the start: glad to see that there are not too many restrictions on the content.

[stet]

A De Havilland Otter hits a Canadian mountain. Rex is thrown clear of the wreck in his carry-cot, but his nurse and everyone else, perish. After a while a she-wolf, hearing him crying, drags the cot to her den.
 
For eight years Rex lives with a pack of timber wolves. He walks on all fours, hunts caribou, eats raw meat, and howls at the moon. But one day a trapper is amazed to discover him caught in a snare. He takes Rex back to civilization, and soon he is reunited with his family in London, England.
 
Being a bright lad, Rex quickly learns to walk upright and talk. He does so well at school that he attends university where he graduates with a first class honors degree. He then goes to medical college for five years to qualify as a surgeon. He is just about to take up a post at Saint Barts Hospital, London, but, unfortunately, he is run-over while chasing a Ford Mondeo down the Old Kent Road.
 

[tommyardin]

A Scotsman walks into a dentist practice and enquires about the cost of having a tooth extracted, the dentist replies ‘that will be £210’, the Scotsman sucks in air rapidly and says ‘my my that’s far to much, how much would it cost if a junior dentist were to pull the tooth?’ The dentist replied ‘that would be £160’ the Scotsman said ‘now that’s a lot better but it’s still too much money how about if the apprentice did the work’, the dentist replied that it was not the usual practice for the apprentice to do extractions, but the Scot said oh that’s ok I don’t mind at all, so the dentist agreed and said that the cost would now be £95, Yes that more like it said the Scot, now how much would it be if you were to pull the tooth without any anaesthetic. To this the dentist replied that would be incredibly painful, Auch! Said the Scot ‘the pain is no a worry how much?’ The dentist said the if the apprentice did the extraction with no anaesthetic the cost would be £55-00, that great said the Scotsman can you book the wife in for tomorrow morning.

[tommyardin]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem.
While they were there his wife passed away. The undertaker said you can have her body shipped home for £5,000 or you can have her buried here in the Holy Land for £150.
The man thought about it for a minute and said that he wanted her body shipped home to England.
The Undertaker asked why he would do that and spend £5,000 to have her shipped home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here in the Holy Land for only £150.
The man replied ‘About 2,000 years a man died here, and was buried and on the third day rose again from the dead.
 I just can not take that chance.