Author Topic: Just a joke (Read 67080 times)

unfazed · « **Reply #200 on:** 13 December 2013, 01:57:47 pm »

One from Paul Sample

Grahamm · « **Reply #201 on:** 13 December 2013, 08:04:05 pm »

What has 19 doors which are never open?

Nelson Mandela's Advent Calendar.

Captain Haddock · « **Reply #202 on:** 16 December 2013, 07:24:10 pm »

Just seen 300 dyslexic south africans mourning outside the nissan maindealer......

Note to self: read last page of jokes first......

Gary · « **Reply #203 on:** 17 December 2013, 08:35:09 pm »

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were. [/size]"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!" "Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum." "Rectum? it damn near killed 'em!" Said Jonny

[/color]

lew600fazer · « **Reply #204 on:** 17 December 2013, 10:32:22 pm »

It was Christmas Eve and a couple were doing last minute shopping in a large Department Store, when the husband disappears. The women calls her husbands mobile, "where are you?" He replies, "Darling, do you remember that quaint little jewellery shop we went into about 5 years ago and you fell in love with that beautiful drop diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, but I promised you one day I'd buy it for you?" Her eyes filled with tears, "yes, I remember" she gulped. "Well, I'm in the Pub next door to that."

lew600fazer · « **Reply #205 on:** 18 December 2013, 08:47:51 am »

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU,
tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all
around my head, a hell of a pain over my left ear and a Drop Dead Gorgeous
Nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked deep & steady into my Eyes and I heard her slowly say,

"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply,

"Can I feel your tits, then?”

slimwilly · « **Reply #206 on:** 19 December 2013, 08:08:38 am »

My kids have been taking the piss about my Althzymers..

They won't find it so funny on Christmas morning when they find there's no fucking eggs under the bonfire

unfazed · « **Reply #207 on:** 19 December 2013, 12:07:05 pm »

Another one from Paul Sample

Yammi · « **Reply #208 on:** 19 December 2013, 02:41:11 pm »

So what if I can't spell armaggedon.

It's not the end of the world. Ö

Ebme Geek · « **Reply #209 on:** 19 December 2013, 02:54:05 pm »

What happened to the Irish jelly fish ?

It set !!

Go on then, get worse than that

lew600fazer · « **Reply #210 on:** 24 December 2013, 03:31:52 pm »

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, my child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

slimwilly · « **Reply #211 on:** 25 December 2013, 08:27:11 am »

Michael Barrymore said it's great news that Tom Daley is gay. He said, "It's great to finally meet someone who takes it up the arse and can swim."

Gary · « **Reply #212 on:** 11 January 2014, 12:20:40 am »

Johnny goes into a shop and buys a chainsaw. Two weeks later he returns the chainsaw and says to the shop assistant: "2 weeks ago I bought this chainsaw and you said that it would chop down 50 trees in an hour. I can only manage 2 trees."

The shop assistant says, "let me see", and starts the machine up. BRRRRRR!!!

Johnny jumps back in surprise and says "what's that noise?!?"

Gary · « **Reply #213 on:** 04 February 2014, 12:43:31 am »

Paddys over in Jimmy's house having a few beers watching the football
After a few hours jimmy say to paddy it's lashing outside no point in you walking up the road you'll get drenched I'll go up and make the spare bed
"Great says paddy"
When jimmy comes down the stairs Paddys standing there soaked to the skin
"What the fcuk happened you"
"I ran home to get me pyjamas "

midden · « **Reply #214 on:** 04 February 2014, 01:28:34 am »

Paddy goes to the chemist, reaches in to his pocket and brings out a bottle of Jamesons and a spoon.
He pours some of the contents onto the spoon and asks the chemist to taste it.
The chemist puts it in his mouth, swills it around then swallows it.
Does that taste sweet to you says Paddy.
Not at all says the chemist.
That's a relief say's Paddy, the doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar

midden · « **Reply #215 on:** 04 February 2014, 01:36:40 am »

The Police asked me to identify what they thought was my wife's body. They pulled back the sheet to reveal her face.
"I can't be certain" I told them.
The sheet went back a bit more to show her breasts.
"Sorry, but I'm still not sure"
Then they took the sheet completely off and I had a good look at her body.
"That's definitely not her officer" I said
"Are you sure? replied the officer
"Yep, my wife's not black."

darrsi · « **Reply #216 on:** 04 February 2014, 10:54:51 am »

My wife and her WeightWatchers' group went on a trip to New York at the weekend and on the Sunday morning, they all went to Tiffany's for breakfast.
It was just like that famous film.

Gone in sixty seconds.

dcurzon · « **Reply #217 on:** 04 February 2014, 01:56:12 pm »

Ah doctor, is it bad? Give it to me straight- how long do I have left to live??

'10'

10? 10 what? 10 years, 10 months? 10 weeks??

'9'

bigbluebear · « **Reply #218 on:** 04 February 2014, 03:38:26 pm »

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling book.....you know Harry's going to be in it

Why did the seaman cross the road.......because it was my first wank in 2 months

Why didn't Eva Braun give Hitler a blowjob.....because it always left a Nazi taste in her mouth

You know you're watching too much porn when you go to hospital and expect a blowjob

Three Celtic fans walk into a bar....a priest, a poof and a paedophile.......and that was just the first one

Nintendo have brought out some new games for Scottish children...Wii Shite, Wii bastard and Wii Fucker

maddog04 · « **Reply #219 on:** 06 February 2014, 10:35:01 am »

I'll tell you who's a bit of a dark horse

black beauty

Drax · « **Reply #220 on:** 06 February 2014, 07:44:39 pm »

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?' says the manager.

'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My Dick,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.

'Where's that b*stard pianist?'

He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and
whispers in his ear,

'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'

'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'

Exupnut · « **Reply #221 on:** 06 February 2014, 09:30:18 pm »

Hahahahahahahahaha.... Foccin genius..

noggythenog · « **Reply #222 on:** 06 February 2014, 09:40:41 pm »

Lazarus · « **Reply #223 on:** 07 February 2014, 11:41:32 am »

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how TRUE this is! They actually have a chili cook off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome!

Grab a tissue, this is hilarious.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy COW, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting WASTED from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. BITTY is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really MAKES ME MAD that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulfuric flames. I POOPED IN MY PANTS when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that WENCH Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my BUTT with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like POOP to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Lazarus · « **Reply #224 on:** 07 February 2014, 11:42:46 am »

You may have seen this before. This was an actual phonecall from a guest to room service. It takes place at some hotel in Austria (I think...)! It's so funny! And without farther ado. I give you.... Tenjuberrymud!

Tenjuberrymud

Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service."
RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig we
bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.
Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.