Date: 28-03-24  Time: 21:05 pm

Author Topic: Just a joke  (Read 66098 times)

lew600fazer

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Just a joke
« on: 22 August 2013, 12:04:44 am »
The 'phone rang last night and the wife answered it. Someone was breathing heavily on the other end and said to her: "I bet you've got a tight arse with no hair."

She replied: "Yes, he's just watching the telly, who shall I say is calling?".  :rollin :rollin
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lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #1 on: 22 August 2013, 01:31:54 pm »
An Irish  Biker goes to the Doctor in great pain

"Dactor, Dactor it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's arse, and then a £1 pound coin appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly Sor, dat's moch batter now so it is. Just out of interest,
How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,991 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman, I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."   :164:
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #2 on: 22 August 2013, 06:27:25 pm »
Coat, door, foc off  :lol

Chris

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #3 on: 22 August 2013, 06:38:36 pm »

It wouldn't be fun if it was easy, I just wish it wasn't this much fun.

His Dudeness

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #4 on: 22 August 2013, 07:36:37 pm »
I googled worst jokes ever and I found this thread.

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #5 on: 22 August 2013, 10:52:59 pm »
So maybe my jokes are crap. Maybe I do not understand how the forum operates yet.
try this one for size then.
Shetlander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his cousin is lying in bed reading. The Shetlander says: "This be the cow I spend me nights with when ye've got a headache." His cousin replies: "Ye be daft, beuy! That be a sheep!" The Shetlander replies: "I wasn'a talkin' to ye!"

 
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Chris

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #6 on: 23 August 2013, 07:12:59 pm »
Oi!    :eek I live in Shetland  :evil

Having said that there are some people I can think of that fit this joke...

Chris

It wouldn't be fun if it was easy, I just wish it wasn't this much fun.

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #7 on: 25 August 2013, 09:53:22 pm »
At the funeral of a traffic warden the coffin was being lowered into the grave when a knocking was heard from within.  A muffled voice pleaded, "Let me out, I'm not dead!"
The vicar replied, "Sorry Pal, but I've already done the paperwork".  :rollin
From another forum
Lew
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #8 on: 25 August 2013, 10:18:19 pm »
 :lol  Just desserts indeed!
 
Two aerials on a roof, they meet, fall in love, get married.
The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!
 
Ha, I can come up with worse jokes than you Lew  :lol
Race you to the coat room...

ChristoT

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #9 on: 25 August 2013, 10:57:47 pm »
:lol  Just desserts indeed!
 
Two aerials on a roof, they meet, fall in love, get married.
The wedding ceremony was rubbish, but the reception was brilliant!
 
Ha, I can come up with worse jokes than you Lew  :lol
Race you to the coat room...

Innuendo - exactly what it says on the tin.

I'm already in the coat room...  :lol :lol
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lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #10 on: 26 August 2013, 01:22:48 pm »
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said: "I love you".
She said; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I replied: "It’s me talking to my beer.
Now that is pretty poor. :rolleyes
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #11 on: 26 August 2013, 04:47:11 pm »
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

darrsi

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #12 on: 26 August 2013, 07:49:43 pm »
Oi!    :eek I live in Shetland  :evil

Having said that there are some people I can think of that fit this joke...

Chris


 :lol :lol :lol :lol :lol
More people are born because of alcohol than will ever die from it.

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #13 on: 26 August 2013, 10:35:14 pm »
Two eskimos in a canoe, they get cold, light a fire, the canoe sinks.
Which just goes to show, you can't have your kayak and heat it!
 
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I like that 10 out of 10 :thumbup
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #14 on: 26 August 2013, 10:37:32 pm »
I can only ever remember very short jokes!  :\

ChristoT

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #15 on: 27 August 2013, 12:08:10 am »
I can only ever remember very short jokes!  :\

Talking of short jokes... :lol

What do you get if you cross a dwarf with a computer?


A short circuit!


I'll see myself out... :rofl
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mickvp

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #16 on: 27 August 2013, 12:18:15 am »
a couple of my worst (dad/kid jokes?):

What do you call a Fish with no eyes?

A Fsh
____________

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
 You, but don't start anything."

____________

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
 says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Now... were is that coat....aha! :rollin:

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #17 on: 27 August 2013, 08:34:00 am »
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making his own land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
he says Prophets are going through the roof.

No offence intended to anyone who may have served out there. :rolleyes
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #18 on: 27 August 2013, 06:06:17 pm »
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making his own land mines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.
he says Prophets are going through the roof.

No offence intended to anyone who may have served out there. :rolleyes

 :rollin :rollin :rollin

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #19 on: 27 August 2013, 11:45:51 pm »
Two Irishmen sitting in a pub having a pint of the Black stuff.

Pat says to Mick,   Why do men fart more than women?

Mick, dats easy Pat, They never shut up long enough to let the gas build up.
Sorry coat door I'm gone. :rolleyes

Lew
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Hedgetrimmer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #20 on: 27 August 2013, 11:50:04 pm »
So I went into my local butchers and I said, I bet you can't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, no, you're right, the steaks are too high......
 
Hey, I just got here.....

DILLIGAFF


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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #21 on: 28 August 2013, 02:02:38 pm »
A little old Jewish lady answers her phone one night.........................


Hello?


I bet you're wearing see through black knickers, black silk stockings and a lacy uplift bra.......................






All this you can tell from one Hello??????????
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!

DryRob

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #22 on: 28 August 2013, 02:07:00 pm »
I had back ache yesterday but it's behind me now
thou shalt not kick

lew600fazer

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #23 on: 28 August 2013, 02:25:14 pm »
An hour ago my wife says to me I am going to bed for an hour, fancy joining me!!!!
So like a flash we are between the sheets!!!
5 minutes later I am asked what the fuck do you think you are doing!!!
I just do not understand women,  :\ :\ :o :o :'( :'(
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jackojet

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Re: Just a joke
« Reply #24 on: 28 August 2013, 02:48:23 pm »
Went doctors other day.
Doc says "do you open your bowels regularly"?
I say "yes 7.30am every morning"
Doc says "that's very good"
I say "it ain't if you don't get up till 10.30am" :eek
 
Coat gone :)