Date: 28-03-24  Time: 09:32 am

Author Topic: On the tools  (Read 1298 times)

unfazed

  • GP Hero
  • ******
  • Posts: 5,309
  • Never ride faster than your guardian angel can fly
    • Main bike:
      FZS600 02-03
    • - FZS1000 05-06, Serow 2000
    • View Profile
On the tools
« on: 28 December 2018, 04:23:35 pm »
 Saw this on another forum, something we can nearly all relate to  :lol I could add a few more to it and most of us probably could also  :D
Home mechanics advice sheet
 DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'
 SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
 BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
 HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
 MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
 TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
 HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a bike to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the exhaust.
 BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
 TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
 PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
 STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
 PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 p part.
 HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
 HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
 UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
 SON OF A BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need   Reply With Quote

YamFazFan

  • GP Hero
  • ******
  • Posts: 2,626
    • Main bike:
      Other
    • View Profile
Re: On the tools
« Reply #1 on: 28 December 2018, 07:41:09 pm »
Brilliant  :lol . I saw a similar thing in The Vintage Motorcycle Club journal a while ago relating to auto jumbles.

celticdog

  • GP Hero
  • ******
  • Posts: 1,705
    • Main bike:
      FZS600 98-99
    • View Profile
Re: On the tools
« Reply #2 on: 31 December 2018, 01:09:15 pm »
Some good ones there I'd been living in England years before I finally realised what people meant by the use of a 'Birmingham Screwdriver'  :lol
« Last Edit: 31 December 2018, 01:10:21 pm by celticdog »
Treat everything in life the way a dog would- if you can't eat it or foc it, forget it.

coffee

  • GP Hero
  • ******
  • Posts: 2,251
  • Phil Bradbury,like road racing,ireland,music
    • Main bike:
      FZ1 Naked Gen2
    • View Profile
Re: On the tools
« Reply #3 on: 31 December 2018, 05:45:00 pm »
I have been guilty of using a "brummie screwdriver" many times but seeing as I was born there I'm exempt from being classed as a moron. :lol
never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up.

DILLIGAFF


  • Muppet

    Plucking foccer
    Official FOC-U Saga Lout
    Kock Leeper
  • GP Hero
  • ******
  • Posts: 6,064
  • Leeper of cocks
    • Main bike:
      I don't own a bike
    • View Profile
Re: On the tools
« Reply #4 on: 02 January 2019, 10:43:17 am »
and from personal experience
SOLDERING IRON................A tool used to determine the heat resistance of any expensive items left on the workbench.
ELECTRIC HAND HELD DRILL................A useful tool for locating concealed wiring, plumbing or gas pipes.
TOOL BOX...................... An expensive and often lockable container which houses a vast array of valuable tools and equipment, but excludes the tool you need, or if it is in the box hides the key.
TROLLEY JACK..................A useful device for mangling fragile floor cills and exhaust systems.
I used to not give a foc, then I discovered Red Bull and now I don't give a flying foc !!!

celticbiker

  • Club Racer
  • ****
  • Posts: 441
    • Main bike:
      Fazer8
    • View Profile
Re: On the tools
« Reply #5 on: 02 January 2019, 04:03:10 pm »
and from personal experience

TROLLEY JACK..................A useful device for mangling fragile floor cills and exhaust systems.

A friend of mine recently carried out an experiment that showed it is also an effective tool for removing finger tips.
(\__/) This is bunny. Copy and paste
(x'.'x) bunny onto your page to help
(")-(") him gain world domination!